Husband wants to find out the gender, and I don't. What to do? « Back to Group Discussions

[Momtotherue]

This is our second pregnancy and it was very much unexpected. We were told we couldn't conceive without lots of help and I was facing potential surgery, so we're thrilled to be 11 weeks along with baby number 2. With my 2 year old daughter, we found out the gender at the 20 week anatomy scan. We both wanted to know (as did my mother who came along) and we were on the same page. 

This time around, I had to have an ultrasound at 5wks to date the pregnancy and because of the cysts I deal with I was worried the pain might be from an ectopic pregnancy. I am not sure I want to have any more ultrasounds though, and I really want to be surprised at the time of the birth to find out the gender. 
I feel like as the woman who is carrying the baby, it should be my choice. I understand that my husband has a say too, and the baby is half his, but I feel like having the surprise of finding out the gender will be one extra thing to push for when labor comes around. He's adamant that he wants to know though, just because. I'm concerned he wouldn't be able to keep it from me. He would be swayed toward boy or girl names, boy or girl clothes etc and I think he would spill the beans to everybody else. My mother has also tried to talk him into sharing the news with her so she can know. Needless to say, I'm pretty mad about it.
This is my last pregnancy, and I really want to enjoy it, but I'm having a really hard time when he and I aren't on the same page on anything. Don't even get me started on baby names. I have no idea how we even managed to agree on my daughters name. 

Anyways, am I being unreasonable? Thanks for the input :)

[thefreckledmama]

My answer may not be a popular one, but I think your husband's opinion "counts" as much as your own. It is his baby too, and I don't think it's entirely fair to play the "I'm the one carrying the baby" card. The one and only decision I ever dug my heels in about a pregnancy or baby was with my son; under no circumstance would I allow him to be circumcised. But I also felt it was important that in the end we discussed it until there was a feeling of understanding and agreement.

That being said, I think that until you are both in agreement either way, I would definitely hold off on finding out. Even if you have the scan, you can tell the sonographer you don't wish to know at that time, but it can still be put in your chart if you decide differently later.

[mattie426]

My BFF had the same problem. With baby #1 her husband convinced her that she would not be able to stand not knowing. She sort of wants a surprise for #2, but her husband insists they find out. He would not be nice about knowing when she doesn't. He is a good guy, but sometimes takes teasing a little too far.

The way I look at it is, you did it one way the first time. If one person wants to do it differently the second time, I think that is fair. One of each, and you both get the experience you want.

[Bromache]

I agree that he has as much as a say as you do, but I feel like this is one of those cases where a "no" trumps a yes. The thing is, one way or another you are going to find out the baby's sex. There is no harm in waiting, even if it's hard. I think if one of you — either one — wants to wait, then waiting is what you should do. Just my two cents.

[letniaLynne]

Originally Posted by Bromache 

I agree that he has as much as a say as you do, but I feel like this is one of those cases where a "no" trumps a yes. The thing is, one way or another you are going to find out the baby's sex. There is no harm in waiting, even if it's hard. I think if one of you — either one — wants to wait, then waiting is what you should do. Just my two cents.

I agree.

We sort of did that with my first 2. We did not find out the first time and when the second time came I did not want to find out again but my husband did so I caved to be fair. I have now tried it both ways. Not sure what I want to do this time ????

[CookAMH]

I also take the route of it not being only my call just because I'm carrying the baby (no matter who's arguing what side). This is our third, and we didn't find out for the first two, but DH really wants to find out this time. I don't, but I'm willing to defer to him this time since we got two times already to have a surprise.  In your case, since you both found out for your DD, maybe he'd be willing to compromise on this one and not find out. Do you want more kids after this? My DH just wanted to have the experience one time of finding out...and I've come around on it and think it'll be fun.  But, if we'd had two times of finding out, I'd probably be arguing to not find out this time. So, it sounds like you guys need to talk it more and hear each other.

[beep]

If it were me, I'd probably err on the side of letting my partner decide. The way I think about it is, I get the connection to the baby from carrying it but its other parent needs me to be generous when it comes to helping him bond in his own way. But I don't really think there is a right or wrong answer. Since you'll both find out the sex in the end no matter what, this decision is probably more consequential in terms of its effect on your relationship with each other than in other ways.

[aidenn]

My family is just the opposite: I always want to know and my husband doesn't. We found out at the anatomy scan both times, but our disagreement wasn't a huge bone of contention. I feel if you decline additional ultrasounds, then you could argue the gender discovery part is just incidental to that scan (since that is just a bonus, its not like the tech is supposed to be searching for that!)

However, if you decide on getting an ultrasound, I think it would be wrong to withhold from him the opportunity for him to know the gender and bond with his unborn child. I agree, the probability of him or your MIL revealing it could be pretty high, but I feel there isn't really another compromise. It is his baby, and as a PP mentioned, I think it is for bonding reasons.

[LivingSky]

Momtotherue - While I agree with PPs that your DH should have a say in the decision, I also think you two need to talk about this more - a lot more. Does he understand how important to you that you not find out in advance? Maybe try explaining how much you are looking forward to the surprise once you go through all the work of labor, to be able to discover with him and be able to say "It's a boy!" or "It's a girl!" Does he understand how often the U/S techs are wrong anyways? I don't actually know many people IRL with kids, but I know two personally who were told the wrong sex at the 20 week scan and so had a BIG surprise at the birth! And neither child is that old, so it wasn't a matter of outdated technology. I hope that your DH will come to understand and accept that this is important to you. You can't un-know the sex if you find it out early, but he will get to know the sex of the baby one way or another in September!