How do other people do this - Page 2

[lilitchka]

I like the idea of involving my DS1 with chores.

we will try to do this more often.

I think part of the problem is that we don't have any kind of routine.

my work schedule changes every week. (shift work).

my husband,s schedule adapts to mine, but the number of hours his spend weekly on his new business varies from week to week.

my DS1 doesn't nap (hi stopped 1 year ago).

maybe establishing a  routine would help....but don,t know where to start!

I agree that, doesn't matter what I do or don't do, it will get better. even 1 year from now.

[Cathlin]

I feel the same as you, OP. I work from home, I have a 1 yr old, it's impossible. I hate it. I would love to quit. I hate sitting her in front of Baby Signing Time just so I can get through an online meeting, I hate leaving a pile of work until it completely stresses me out but I have no choice b/c my daughter needs me more that day. I just want to be a SAHM, plain and simple. I try to be grateful for the work and the pay (and technically, I am), but I'm so worn out. 

[Quinalla]

Mom guilt is the worst sometimes, isn't it? There is so much pressure on Moms especially that we should be able to have-it-all and do-it-all with maybe help from our partner, but that's all that is "allowed". Rubbish I say! Everyone needs me-time to unwind, exercise, etc. Everyone needs help. And when Mom and Dad are both working, both need to make good contributions to chores & childcare, but it is so often expected of Mom to pick up the bulk that it is very easy to fall into an unequal arrangement without even noticing or talking about it. I used to feel bad about paying someone to do our lawn mowing and light landscaping, but I don't anymore because quite frankly, I'd rather put some $$ there so I can have that time to do other things. I used to feel bad about getting take-out for dinner some evenings, I still try to keep it to a minimum, but sometimes everyone is running late and it is better to eat something fairly nutritious now than wait 1.5 hours to make something I'm really happy with and everyone is starving and grumpy! Do what works for your family and tell that Mom guilt to go away (easier said than done I know!)

Also, with an 11 month old and a 3 year old, there are still going to be a lot of survival mode days. Kids that age need so much attention, it is hard to get anything done!

[kcorsi]

I just read thru all the responses w/ my 9 mo old sleeping on me and my 2 yr, 9 mo old running around.  I can totally relate.  Me time is so important, sunshine, and proper nutrition/supplements.  Give urself a break!  U r doin great.

[lilitchka]

thank you all so much for your support and nice posts! It helps a lot!

I feel better since I started this thread!

[DocM]

I am a mom of two (12 yr old and 7 mo old) and a part-time college instructor in philosophy.  I know this may seem like a weird direction to take this thread, but it's what helps me stay sane: I taught a course a couple years ago on contemporary marriage and family and we read a lot of Stephanie Coontz's stuff on marriage/family and a book by Judith Warner called "Perfect Madness" about the pressures of modern parenting (in U.S., not Canada, but maybe there are some similarities, at least from what you're saying?).  

The long and short of it is that in addition to all of the daily challenges of parenting small children on little sleep, there are huge cultural pressures to be the perfect wife and mother.  It helps me to remember this when I obsess about the fact that I don't have the perfect work-life balance and I can't keep ahead of meals and chores, that the guilt I feel is not coming from me or anyone in particular; it is a cultural/historical artifact that is just 'in the air', that affects all of us. It helps me to depersonalize it in this way.  

[tribord]

I love the title of your post.  I ask myself that very question many times a day.  My oldest is in preschool every day, so it's not like I have both all day long, and we have a housecleaner every other week and a lawn service, so I really can't figure out why we're struggling so much.  I usually end up deciding I'm either a terrible parent or maybe it is because other people's kids sleep much more than mine (DS does not STTN and doesn't nap much either, but still needs to) and play together or don't require so much supervision.  Mine fight when they are together but don't want to play separately, either.  I have a lot of help from my DH but due to his work we also are not able to establish a routine and I think that makes things so much harder.  I also find that exercise helps but it is so hard to find the time. 

I have to say now things are so much better with my DD at 5 than when she was 3.  I hold out hope for the day when my son is 5 and maybe we'll all start to be feeling a little more sane then.   Just sending you hugs and good thoughts and hoping you can hold out until your MIL arrives.  :)  I am begging my husband to ask his mother to come stay with us.  Anyway, you are not alone.

[lilitchka]

tribord: I recognize myself totally in your post!

It was better for the last few days....maybe because I know MIL is back in 1 week!!!!!

DS2 doesn't STTN neither. wakes up 4 times maybe. not sure. but we co-sleep, I just turn and plug the nipple and then become unconscious. Not sure what DS2 does, how long he nurses and when he falls asleep.

DS1 still doesn,t STTN (3 and a half!), but that's DH's problem lol...they co-sleep in another room.

DocM: Yes! realizing or reminding myself that this is not me, but a societal problem rather, helps a lot!

sometimes I wonder if it is the very individualism-oriented society that clashes with our way of parenting (or even parenting in general, not necessary AP) ..... and that's where the stress comes from.
 

[erigeron]

I pretty much remind myself that a. practically nobody is actually that perfect and b. people who are actually that perfect would be kind of annoying. 

That said, I still kind of feel like a house "should" be run the way my mother's house was, but I'm trying to let myself a. see the ways in which my house will not run that way because we are different people with different needs and schedules and b. see the ways in which it is totally okay for us to do what works for US in OUR situation which is different. 

[Mama505]

Originally Posted by lilitchka 

I like the idea of involving my DS1 with chores.

we will try to do this more often.

I think part of the problem is that we don't have any kind of routine.

my work schedule changes every week. (shift work).

my husband,s schedule adapts to mine, but the number of hours his spend weekly on his new business varies from week to week.

my DS1 doesn't nap (hi stopped 1 year ago).

maybe establishing a  routine would help....but don,t know where to start!

I agree that, doesn't matter what I do or don't do, it will get better. even 1 year from now.

Involving my DS (3yo) in chores has been a major part in saving my sanity some days!  We have also been trying to have some sort of routine, but like many of you, we have changing schedules.  I totally hot a wall a couple of months ago, I was frustrated with nearly everything my DS did, or didn't do, or tried to do, or whatever.  And I realized that it was completely irrational, but I just couldn't stop from feeling that way.  Oh, and I was getting worse and worse at hiding my frustration, that was the final key.  I really didn't was DS to see this irrational frustration and internalize it, you know?  So, I started looking into Waldorf schools and homeschooling programs (I know, he's only 3yo, but I thought I could find some good ideas to get us through the days).  Everything I found pointed to routines/rhythms as the main thing for the first seven years of kids' lives.  At first it seemed really overwhelming, but then again, everything did at that point!  Where to start?  I tried to tackle the times of day that I felt the most stressed: mornings and post-lunch "naps".  Mornings have been hard lately b/c I am pregnant.  So I usually want to spend it all in bed or on the couch.  But if I can drag myself out of bed and get something to eat on the table life for everyone is better!  And again, after lunch all I want to do is crawl back into bed, but DS is on an on-again-off-again with naps these days.  So, we started an 'After Lunch Quiet Time'.  Its length is indefinite, but he doesn't know that because usually about halfway through he falls asleep!!!  This was about all the structure I could handle adding to our days, so it is all we did for a week or so.  But then this weird thing happened, everything was going well.  It felt great!  I still drag myself out of bed in the mornings, but now we sing(!) 'Do you know the muffin man?' while we make breakfast.  And after we eat I do the dishes while he takes a damp sponge and wipes down everything (really everything).  This has help me soooooo much!  Good luck!