Help! getting frustrated trying to tansition my family into eating healthy and living healthy!!!

[sofiah16]

Let me begin by giving you a little background:

So I grew up with veggies and fruit and all that goodness, I met my husband and my health went down hill I gained weight and even got diagnosed with type 2 diabetes. I tried to loose weight nothing worked or I didn't try hard enough. We weren't eating right because we were living at his mom's house for a while and my child got used to eating crap everyday. My husband grew up on fast food without a care, he absolutely loves it! He is morbidly obese

For a couple of months I have been reading and learning about nutrition and I really want my kids to have a variety of healthy meals. The transition for me was quick, I grew up eating everything, royal jelly, pollen, spirulina and lots of veggies. My husband isn't even trying! I tell him about all the ingredients that we need to be weary about and he says ok but does he make healthy choices?? NO!! and my son follows him. Even though I never allowed my pantry to get full on chips or juice our habits weren't healthy. Since December I quit eating sugar, bread, flour, start ch, meat, and I have lost 36 lbs. Sugar cravings disappeared, my sugar is well controlled without any medicine. I exercise and drink raw smoothies every single morning and I look and feel 10 yrs younger. I am only 29. The way he grew up and the way his mom lives is night and day compared to me, my house is clean, my kids aren't obese, I watch what we eat. His mom has a pantry and a freezer dedicated to ding dongs, ice cream, butter, pre-packaged processed foods.

We are transitioning to Organic so this means way more fresh food. Our pantry is empty and he is not cooperating as much as I would like to. If there's no leftovers from dinner he will go to Jack in the Box in a heart beat without a thought of how this affects his health.

My change was dramatic I understand. All I eat is fruit and veggies, egg whites and some grains now and then. My son has been very reluctant to eating well, he thinks smothering the salad in ranch still qualifies as healthy. I have psoriasis and I read that one of the triggers is milk and my son is starting signs of psoriasis I need to get him off the cow milk. . I grew up in Mexico City, where we had to walk everywhere, where things were different. I know I need patience but I am afraid my husband will not want to participate in a healthy life style.

Marital issues ... he does not help around as much as I need him to, I am a full time mom and I have a full time job and I have 2 kids and a house to look after and he says his issue is that he doesn't get sex!!! so he refuses to follow a healthy lifestyle because of that.

I don't know what to do, I am so ready to give up, just because things are organic does not mean he has to eat too much, the proper servings I give him do not satisfy him, he baked a cake last night and the night before he was eating cookies that he baked like there is no tomorrow. It is really disgusting! I don't wanna feel like this! he makes nasty remarks or facial expressions when he is trying yogurt! while my kids love the yogurt they see how he acts and they follow him. At his mom's  house even the baby is obese!!! my niece is 104 lbs 7yrs old and pre-diabetic! I can not conceive that! Please help what can I do? what tips should I follow??? where can I go for help?

I'm 29 hes 30 our kids are 7 and almost 2 we have our own house I am ready to throw in the towel!

Does anyone have any horror stories and eventually made healthy meals part of their life? I will take cooking classes, parenting classes, whatever I need but I can't anymore please help !!

[jgallagher66]

I couldn't read and not respond because I could really sense your frustration when I read your post.

First of all congratulations on the steps you' ve taken to improve your own health. That is so great that you' ve been able to make these changes and see the benefits. And it's also wonderful that you're teaching your children about making healthy choices and being healthy. You are giving them a wonderful gift that will affect their whole lives. Even though you went through a period of eating unhealthy food and not exercising, you had the knowledge that your mother gave you that helped you make the changes you have made to turn your life around. Now your children will have that knowledge too and they will have it forever. You should be very proud.

It's hard with your husband because he is an adult and makes his own choices. I have not been in your situation but I'm trying to think what might help me if I were your husband. Others might join in that have more advice that worked.

I'm sure you've tried talking to him but I would try to gently say to him: "I love you and I'm worried about you. Will you please take care of yourself for the kids and I. We want to have you around with us for a long time. Will you join the rest of the family as we try to eat and live healthy so we can have a long, healthy life together?"

Plan fun active things for you and the kids to do and ask him to join you. Our family likes to hike and bike ride. He may resist at first but if he sees how much fun he is missing maybe he will come around.

I don't want to push any particular life style but I eat plant based. My husband was very inspired to join me by the movie Forks over knives. He already ate fairly healthy but something sbout this movie spoke to him and he became much more supportive of a plant based lifestyle and teaching that lifestyle to our kids. You mentioned that you gave up meat and dairy so this may interest you.

I'm sure you know that you can only change yourself but you can be encouraging and definately your example is having some effect on him. I hope he comes around soon and doesn't wait for a major health scare. Start trying to encourage baby steps toward better eating. Keep cooking healthy meals. I hope he comes around. Good luck to you.

[ollyoxenfree]

Honestly, it seems that the issue between you and your partner is more fundamental than just eating habits. I was going to suggest that you cross-post to the Parents as Partners subforum, but I just looked and couldn't find it. I don't know if it disappeared with the last re-organization of the site. Maybe ask the moderators in the Q&A forum? 

You should feel good about the changes that you have made for yourself. I agree with jgallegher66 that congratulations are in order and that you should continue to buy healthier foods and cook healthy meals for yourself and your family. Beyond that, you can't control what your DH eats, acts, thinks or feels. I think you can have some honest conversations with him about respecting your attempts to keep your family healthy and not disparaging your efforts or the actual food you prepare in front of your children. I think in return, you may have to agree that you won't express your feelings when you see the choices he makes. That doesn't mean that you have to endorse those choices. However, there is so much emotion tied up in food and eating and physical appearance that I suspect he feels that your disapproval of and disgust with his food choices is really a disapproval and disgust with him and he is reacting to that feeling. 

You may make better progress if you both participate in some relationship counseling. Best wishes with your attempts to create a healthy family environment. 

[phathui5]

If you want to share what area you're in, maybe we can help you find healthy lifestyle/cooking classes.

Like the other posters said, congrats on the changes you've made for yourself! I hope you keep up with eating healthy, even it's just you and the kids that are eating it.

[crazytownmama]

hugs!!  I can so relate!  I've always tried to feed the kids healthy, but dh just sort of came on board because he has really high cholesterol...or, well..  gives lip service to wanting to try.  He's making an effort...trying things more..but he still comes home with wawa hoagies, fast food, etc   I think part of the problem here is that he has his "go-to" unhealthy foods, but no healthy reciprocals...   If your dh is a baker...can you give him some better recipes for when he wants something sweet to snack on?  try chocolatecoveredkatie.com -- she has some great recipes...still with sugar, but whole grain/beans/etc...  she also has lots of quick, single serve type recipes too :)

[darwinNJ]

Good for you making this huge change. It sounds like engaging in some marriage counseling might be in order. My opinion is the food stuff is just surface; until you get your communication, expectations of each other, and a willingness to compromise with each other in healthy functioning, progress won't be able to be made let alone sustained with lifestyle changes. Also, I've found myself that my own changes to eat better had to be more gradual than what you describe. Maybe your husband will need the same, once your both on the same page that healthy diet is even a concern that is

Best if luck with your endeavors.

[Tigerle]

Hugs! It's hard, and you yourself just having made this superhuman effort into transitioning for yourself and the kids!

This is my opinion, and please take a look at my own thread above so you see where I'm coming from - we are transitioning ourselves, and it's a hard journey and believe me, there is roadkill - I am asking a lot of my family, and always wonder whether I am asking too much myself, but we have always eaten somewhat healthily, and can build on that, just like you could build on to your own upbringing.

Not to discourage you or to undermine you, but I think at this point, you are asking too much! Your husband has none of the foundation you've had, and are building now for your kids. I think he must feel horribly threatened. In his mind, you are discarding his childhood, his mom, his family, soon you may discard him for real. You aren't overweight any more, you aren't diabetic any more, you look and feel 10 years younger - subconsciously, he realizes that you could date so much higher on the food chain than him now, and he feels rejected already, which is why he feels he dos not get enough sex. So he is under stress, and stress makes him eat. Comfort foods.

My husband, who is on board with transition in theory and likes the food I prepare, is feeling threatened and moody merely because the transition disrupts his shopping and storage routines. men are big on routines! And tasty food...

Make the journey smoother, and seduce him into better eating. Let go of your resentments, he can't help it, with his upbringing. It sounds like you are eating an extremely low fat, low protein diet - it's not for everyone, and I humbly suggest it is not good for growing kids, because they will have a hard time getting in the protein, calcium and fat-soluble vitamins in they need for growth of their brain and bones and muscles. You could serve food that is a 100% healthier than what he and they have been eating formerly, but still tasty, if you serve some lean meat, fresh caught fatty ocean fish, eggs with egg yolks, and let him smother his veggies in oive oil, creme fraiche, sour cream butter, cream cheese or raw soft cheeses. He won't say "yuck", he'll say "yum"! He will not lose weight as quickly as you, but he will, and he will sustain that weight loss. I would concentrate on getting processed food, added sugar and white flour out of what you are eating at home, and not comment on what he is eating outside, he is an adult, even if apparently an adult with a sugar habit.

For instance, I love every dairy product under the sun, but I can't tolerate low fat yoghurt. Tastes like puke to me. Have never been able to get over that. 10% creamy yoghurt is just about okay for me. So what, I eat cottage cheese, cream cheese, fromage blanc, soured milk...all lovely with a large glob of honey or a large dash of maple syrup. Low fat dairy is a processed food anyway. Find an unprocessed, unsweetened dairy product he likes, there must be one around! Even high quality ice cream ight be healthier than what he might be eating otherwise.

We have always eaten a lot of whole grains, but have now upgraded to sourdough wholegrain in the home, exclusively. It is very intense bread if you are not used to it. If your husband has always eaten junk food, he dos not even have the jaqw muscles to properly chew it! Go slowly. I tried making my old recipes with whole grain flour and they came out horribly. Have played around with half-half, 60-40%...works very well for most recipes, and you can premix it so there won't be anything else in the house for him to bake with. Add some almond flour, some whole grain buckwheat to reduce gluten, crushed flax seed for texture -  you don't have to eat it yourself, but if he and the kids like it, it is still so much healthier than what they might be eating.

You are the homemaker, assert the control you have over the home, not over him. You do the shopping. You throw out whatever comes in that you do not want in the house. He can do other stuff, laundry, cleaning, taking the kids places, picking up (it's all exercise!), just don't let him near the shopping and storing.

And you might find the chapter on sex and housework in "Babyproofing your marriage" enlightening. In a nutshell: he is resentful because he feels he is not having enough sex, so he does not help out around the house. You are resentful that he dos not help out around the hause, exhausted, and not in the mood for sex. Lose-Lose! Both of you need to make an effort to make things better, and it is probabyl easier for you to initiate that one...seduce hin into housework! It is hard to let go of your resentment, I know - undermining better choices for my kids is what makes me go berserk, too. But he will be in a much better mood once he starts liking what you cook, and I think the way to go for that would be to add healthy fats and and protein.

[PumaBearclan]

I hope that you feel better about things since you first posted. It does seem that you may have to strike out on your own with the nutritional conflicts. I say this because your husband seems to be unwilling to lead the family as an adult. His perception that sex is an exchange for his cooperation is his way of bartering with you - you as head of household, he as a "child." This tells me that your husband is primarily interest in self-satisfaction. This is not good if you expect him to be a co-parent and partner in the family. Additionally it sounds as though your husband is undermining you by "making faces" (contempt) when you offer food and is probably doing so in other ways as well.

To my experience, men and women who are partners discuss and determine their shared lifestyle and then present a united front to their children and the "world." Neither would undermine the other. Considering that you describe your husband's background as significantly different from yours, I suggest that you consider first taking care of yourself no matter what your husband and children choose to do, and also that you reconsider your lifelong commitment to someone who is radically different from you and who disrespects you so much.

When you are 65, will you be well enough to care for yourself and continue to give support to your children as they move through the world? Can you count on this partner to help and care for you? These are the questions that matter.

Wishing you strength and optimism,

Puma