Sex and cosleeping (a tale as old as time)

[saffrongirl]

I know this is probably the billionth time this has been posted and I did a little forum research but need more help specific to my situation.  The baby is six months old, he's my third.  All three children were born at home and it seemed natural to cosleep.  However, I am a light sleeper and need SPACE in bed so after a year with my first dd (who is now 8 years old), we put her in her own crib in her own room (not as easy as it sounds all written out there - ha).  My second dd was merged to a crib across the room from our bed after about four-five months.  She was my non-sleeper and I swear she didn't sleep until she was two years old (she's now 3).  The baby still cosleeps.

With my first dd, we were able to put her down in the bed eventually and then we could have sex in a different part of the house.    It worked similarly with my second dd although I couldn't leave the room or she would wake up so we'd lay her down on the bed and then have sex on the floor of the bedroom (quickly).  Now my son is 6 months old and we're having issues figuring out when/where to have sex.  He falls asleep in our arms and then has to be held until we go to bed or he'll wake up within a few minutes.  Once he's in bed with me, he'll sleep just fine.  

I know the obvious thing is to just have sex with him next to us in bed once he settles down and my partner can do this with no problem, but I really struggle with the mental leap necessary to do this.  I spend all day nursing and holding him along with the three year old who still needs me quite a bit and the baby's presence in the bed when we're trying to get romantic is almost impossible.  Plus I am constantly on high alert over him waking up while we're in the middle of it.  We've had actual sex exactly once since he was born although we've done other stuff here and there.  Part of the problem is maybe that I'm just not that motivated - my sex drive isn't too strong right now, especially after a long day, but I know it's important and I do miss the closeness. 

So do I start trying to "train" him to sleep alone? I hate the thought of feeling "forced" to do this because he's just so damn sweet and this is the first time (out of my three children) that the actual sleeping part is working.  I know and my dp knows this is temporary and time will fly but I don't want to discount the present. 

[MichelleZB]

Originally Posted by saffrongirl 

I know the obvious thing is to just have sex with him next to us in bed once he settles down and my partner can do this with no problem, but I really struggle with the mental leap necessary to do this.

I know, right? This is how we have sex all the time, now, too. I've just gradually gotten used to having the baby asleep next to us while we do it. He's 14 months now, so mostly sleeps in the crib in our room, and it's easier to get a bit bouncier. But while he was an infant, he was in bed with us.

Take the risk! When we did this, about a quarter of the time, the baby would wake up and cut the sex short. But when he didn't wake up--awesome.

Do you and your husband have a weekend day where you are both not working? Consider dropping your kids off at a babysitter's for a few hours (if you're still nursing, then you probably won't want to go more than 2 hours or so) and doing it in the afternoon in an empty house. You don't have to do this too often to feel the benefits of this in your relationship.

I wonder whether your low sex drive isn't helping. Because you don't really want to have sex anyway, you are less motivated to power through less ideal sex situations. Try to make it a priority for awhile, even if you end up having short, crappy sex for awhile. You may sort of ease back into it emotionally.

[skycheattraffic]

Oh gosh I never could do it with her in the room. Not so much being worried about baby waking but completely not being able to get aroused in her presence. I don't know, I've got a weird hangup about it and DD has to be in another room. Can you lay with him and nurse him to sleep while he's on the mattress then get up when he's in deep sleep?

[saffrongirl]

Originally Posted by MichelleZB 

I wonder whether your low sex drive isn't helping. Because you don't really want to have sex anyway, you are less motivated to power through less ideal sex situations. Try to make it a priority for awhile, even if you end up having short, crappy sex for awhile. You may sort of ease back into it emotionally.

This. Exactly.  You totally hit the nail on the head.  I'm just tired and touched out and breasts are off limits so it just hasn't been "worth it to me."  Cuts into my precious sleep time.  lol.  But I'm seeing now how it's affecting our relationship more so something needs to be done.  It's also interesting how the longer I go without sexual intimacy, the longer I can continue to go.  Does that make sense?

Something else you said really hit me too - "Take the risk! When we did this, about a quarter of the time, the baby would wake up and cut the sex short. But when he didn't wake up--awesome."  I mean, it's such a "duh statement" but I was holding off doing anything because I knew he'd wake up anyway so why bother.  But dp said last night that he'd rather get started and get cut off than do nothing all the time because at least he knows I want to be close to him as opposed to assuming I never want to touch or be touched.  

Last night we just went for it.  We got interrupted midway through but after I nursed the baby back to sleep, we finished.  It really was very nice - felt like it really brought us closer.  I think I'll keep trying to "go through the motions" until I get there emotionally. 

[mamaprovides]

I did the fake mom and that worked for us until my son was about 8 or nine months but by then he out grew the need to be constantly held.

Fake mom: I used a nightgown or a shirt but you can do it with a blanket. Wear the shirt or night gown without a bra every time you nurse and for a good long spell (about 18-24hrs or so) make sure you use this shirt to clean up any breast milk spills (if you breast feed) and when you take it off make you use it to wipe under your boobs and maybe even your armpits. You want this thing to stink a good mom stink. It has to smell like all of you. Then put it on a pillow and put it next to or under the baby. You know how if you take two pillows and put them in a v shape you can tuck the baby in kinda on top of the pillows? Like that...make sure the would be arm pit is at that junction.

I did different configurations that works for my kids but overall this was very...liberating. However, I should note...I am fat and squishy so the pillow worked great I think if you are thin and bony it might not work as well...maybe a yoga bolster pillow.

Zinc may help your low sex drive...strawberries, pumpkin seeds...

Hope that helps.

Oh yea...we also had morning sex...which I prefer anyway but that helped us...start the day right.

Oh last thing.
I am in a place where I am enjoying my low sex drive...but my husband not so much.
We went on a schedule where our goal was x number of times per week or month. (It would change depending on where we were and also in making gradual increases) By the time we were at the end of the period we would do it like a chore. Sounds awful and I'm not phrasing it right but it did help. I'm not going to lie, I phoned it in a could of times but this helped increase my sex drive and helped us get back that something we misplaced while being parents of young children.

[element2012]

When my DD was that age, I really needed a night out to get relaxed enough to be open to intimacy.  Is that possible? Is grandma nearby that you can take your LO (or LOs) to for a few hours so you and your DH can have a nice dinner, glass of wine (even at home) and reconnect mentally and emotionally so you can get there physically?

We made it a point to have a date night once a week, or every 2 weeks at the most.  And on the days where we were all home, we did sometimes get interrupted.  I won't lie, it is very hard to go from one to the other and then back, but it's one of those things that are challenge but so worth it, for the closeness that you mention.  You know better than I, this time won't last forever :)