Finances/Elder Care and Infant/Childcare

[ceeveg]

My husband and I have a preschool-aged child, and would like to have another child in the next two years. My husband's parents are older, divorced, and living in two separate states. He is estranged from both of them, and hasn't really spoken to either in about three years.

They will probably need some kind of assisted living or significant financial assistance in the next five years. We live closer to both parents than my husband's brother. His brother is in a better spot than us financially, and might be able to partially assist one parent financially, but he is also married with two small children and in an area with a very high COL.

For a number of reasons, we could not have them move in with us, nor could my husband's brother. 

Has anyone been in this situation? How do we handle this? I'd appreciate any guidance. I've simplified our background greatly for posting purposes, but would be happy to answer any questions. Thank you.

Edited by ceeveg - 2/14/13 at 1:29pm

[Poddi]

What are the parents' financial situation like?  Are you sure they'll need financial help? 

[ceeveg]

My FIL was let go about two years ago under suspicion of theft from his employer, and has been drawing social security. He is uninsured, and is receiving medical bill assistance and assistance with prescription costs from family members (I think he may be diabetic, and he has other health issues). My husband was named for him, and we've frequently receive phone calls from creditors and pieces of mail addressed to my FIL at our address indicating that he is past due on accounts.

My MIL inherited some money, and is drawing partial social security. She was fired almost four years ago, sold her home, and moved to another state, where she bought a home outright. She has two medical conditions that will probably require specialized treatment in the future, and I'm not sure if she is able to cover those costs. She is currently able to support herself.

My husband and his brother were verbally/emotionally abused by both parents, and his brother is also considering limited contact with both parents. It's difficult to know what to do.

[Poddi]

Well, my brother and I have been taking care of our grandma who doesn't have savings.  She's a very nice person, though and get along with us, so that's not too bad.  If your DH doesn't get along with his parents, there's probably not much you can do.  They're not moving in and you wouldn't want them to move in.  Maybe set up a savings account for parents care and see how much you can accumulate there (after you contribute enough for your OWN retirement savings first).  It's not your fault that they didn't save to take care of themselves.  Children are not legally obligated to take care of their aging parents.

*I don't expect my children to take care of us.  The future is unpredictable and it's unfair to expect that.  And I'd rather live in public assisted living than moving in with them.

Check out this to see what others think.  :) http://www.debate.org/opinions/should-adults-be-responsible-for-their-elderly-parents-care

Edited by Poddi - 2/15/13 at 8:54pm

[pbjmama]

What do you want to do?

You are not obligated to do anything. It sounds like your husband has chosen estrangement for his emotional and mental health. What would it be like for him to enter back into that relationship because of this 'obligation'? I say take the money you would spend and use it for therapy.

[ceeveg]

Thank you! This is very practical.