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advice please - dh strict & controlling attitude - Page 2

post #21 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

While I agree the husband was harsh and didn't need to hi to such extremes I am shocked at how many people are saying kids should not be raised to be obedient! While I try to give my children explanations about why rules are in place sometimes they just have yo "obey" things they are too young to understand.

 

I can't think of anything that I required  my kids to do that I couldn't explain in some way. When they were little, rules were pretty basic -- like everyone has to wear a seat belt in the car. I could explain that. Sometimes explanations were tough -- like how to act an funeral and why.

 

As they have gotten older, the WHYs are so, so much more important than the rules. My kids are teens and spend time around other teens with very little adult supervision. My kids need to internally understand how different choice could play out for them because there isn't any one watching them who is going to stop them -- they've got to be able to make choices on their.

 

Kids who are taught to "obey" learn to do what mom and dad want while mom and dad are looking. That's all. That isn't enough to help them make choices that will help them be happy with their lives. And if you don't have reasons that you can explain to your kid, then all you've got is how much they fear what will happen if they misbehave.

 

Kids who are given real reasons for things learn to trust that their parents have their best at heart. They know I would never stop them from something that was harmless and fun -- if I say that a behavior is a bad idea, my kids know 100% that it could be dangerous for them or another.

 

Here is an example -- a child is chasing a ball, and it is going toward a street.

 

  • Mom 1 taught her kid obedience. She shouts at her child to stop running. The child may or may not stop -- depending on if he/she believes the punishment will be bad enough to make "not chasing the ball" worth it. At best, they stop because they don't want to be spanked, yelled at, have a time out, etc. They don't really care what mom thinks, they just don't want her to use her power to make them miserable.
  • Mom 2 taught her kids that she only stops their fun if they could hurt. She shouts at her child to stop running. The child most likely will stop, because, while confused, the child knows mom only says stop if it really, really matters. They want to know why mom told them to stop, because they were having fun and mom usually lets them have fun. They are actually *curious* about what mom was thinking.

 

Which mom would you rather be?

 

The older kids get, the less obedience works. Parents functioning on a "do what I say because I say so" are building NO TOOLS in their relationship to help navigate the difficult phase a young person gradually becoming independent. Basically, they are teaching their children that rules have no logical and basis and don't really matter, except that it is really, really, really important to not get caught.

post #22 of 73
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Edited by apeydef - 12/7/13 at 8:42pm
post #23 of 73
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Edited by apeydef - 12/7/13 at 8:42pm
post #24 of 73

But rules about seatbelts and requiring kids to always follow those rules are different than dad suddenly deciding there are enough toys out and giving vague consequences.  

Kid says "I don't want to wear my seat belt"

Parent says "That's fine, we will sit here until you do.  The rule is you must always wear your seat belt it is unsafe and against the law not to.  When you're ready we can go to (whatever)."

 

Kid says "I'm going to get my dump truck!" (thinking that hey, I can use the dump truck to move the blocks over to the people and the people can build a house then I can knock down the house with the dump truck)
Dad says "No, that's enough toys."

Kid says "But I need my dump truck!!"

Dad says "You better obey me or you'll see what happens."

What does that even mean to a little kid?  Did he just lay down a challenge to see if the kid would listen or not? Why would you set your kid up to fail?  Did he explain why he shouldn't bring out any more toys?  Did he explain the consequence for not listening?  There is a huge difference in blind obedience and following the rules.  If I make a rule that my kids can't use the bathroom hand towels they are going to think I'm nuts.  If I make a rule that they can't use the bathroom hand towels and must use the old towel I put on the counter because they keep wiping paint on them from not washing their hands properly they are going to think "dang, she's pretty protective of those towels, what a nut, I guess i better wash my hands better." (sidenote, how the heck do you not notice a streak of red paint all the way across a bath towel???)

 

I grew up with a mother that changed the rules constantly, barked loudly about how it was "her house" all the time.  All thta did was make me not trust her and not care about my home.  It wasn't mine, I wasn't safe to be myself, I had to always make sure I wasn't going to make her mad.  If it's "her house" why do I have to do dishes, they aren't mine.  Ownership is so important to kids, responsibility comes from knowing you belong, that you are part of something bigger than yourself.  I hope that the OP's husband can realize he's not raising a child to stay a child and do what he's told.  He's raising a boy who will eventually be a man who will need to know what to do and why, without being told or threatened.  "We do this because____" is way more effective than "Because I said so".  Kids need reasons. 

post #25 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

I have told my child why it is important to put on a seatbelt but they still are not doing it. They need to obey me and put on their seatbelt to be safe and respectful to what the patent is telling them.

There are obviously some situations in which we have to enforce obedience, because we can't wait for the child to understand the reason. Buckling the seat belt, being safe in the parking lot or the crosswalk, taking care with hot and sharp things--there are some situations where the parent may have to just take charge. 

 

Still, obedience is not my end goal, ever. My end goal is for the child to understand, so that as he grows older, he can take more responsibility. At some point, the child has to be able to cross the street safely by himself, to get ready for bed, to chop an onion without cutting his fingers. (Not in that order!) Maybe a few times, you'll have to "because I said so" the child, but most of your authority should come from actually being an authority--from knowing more about the world. 

 

Part of this is to inculcate responsibility as the child can assume it, and part of it is to remain available to the child when he or she needs you. If your love appears conditional, so is their ability to rely on you.  Certainly the kind of time-outs the OP's husband is using these days are not as bad as what he was doing before, but they aren't what I think makes a parenting relationship work well! 

 

I don't think anyone should feel bad that they have to say "because I said so" about a seat belt. We just also need to feel confident that our children will respect what we have to give them, and not use "because I said so" as our default reason for everything. 

post #26 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

I have told my child why it is important to put on a seatbelt but they still are not doing it. They need to obey me and put on their seatbelt to be safe and respectful to what the patent is telling them.

Putting on a seat belt and speaking respectfully are two different issues. The seat belt thing can usually be resolved by waiting a child out, or pulling over if they unlatch it. The car doesn't move, and nothing else happens, until it is done.  Avoiding emotion and drama tend to be helpful. Keeping is simple with "It isn't safe to be on the road without a seat belt. You  need to put it on now" is enough.

 

Respectful communication is a different issue, and doesn't have squat to do with us being parents. Our children need to speak to other humans respectfully because other humans have feelings. They need to learn to speak to their siblings respectfully, and their friends, friends' parents, classmates, teachers etc.  Heck, they need to learn to speak to themselves respectfully! We aren't in some special category that they need to kiss our butts, but rather we are people that they get a lot of practice with who get to give them feedback on how they are doing on this important skill. And probably the biggest single thing that will help them learn to to speak respectfully is how we speak to them. So, any parent who is speaking to their child in a disrespectful way in hopes that it will make their child more polite is really sending big fat mixed messages.

 

Having had people in positions of power over me use that power to deeply hurt me, I have never taught my kids that they need to "respect authority" and "do what they are told."

 

I taught my kids think and to be respectful of everyone.

 

Story -- When one of my daughters got to the stage in life where she was riding with teen drivers, I asked her if she always wore her seat belt, and if the other teens did as well. I asked if any of the teens she rides with ever text and drive. She looked at me like I was crazy.

 

 "Of course we wear seat belts!  And no, no one with an IQ above plant life texts and drives, and all my friends have IQs above plant life. We also don't screw around in the car, because it can be distracting to the driver. And anyone wearing a hat has to take it off."

 

I was like..... headscratch.gif "Why do they have to take off their hats?"

 

"Because hats really limit the drivers visability"

 

So she and her friends had come up with more safety rules than I had. I taught her a principle, (be safe when in a car) and she applied it.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

While I try to give my children explanations about why rules are in place sometimes they just have yo "obey" things they are too young to understand.

 

Keep telling them why, even if they aren't old enough to really get it yet. Hearing it over and over is how they get it. Besides the fact that they are learning from all the words you say, you are getting into a good parenting habit. "Because I said so and you need to obey and respect me"  will not serve you long term.

post #27 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post

Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

I have told my child why it is important to put on a seatbelt but they still are not doing it. They need to obey me and put on their seatbelt to be safe and respectful to what the patent is telling them.
Putting on a seat belt and speaking respectfully are two different issues. The seat belt thing can usually be resolved by waiting a child out, or pulling over if they unlatch it. The car doesn't move, and nothing else happens, until it is done.  Avoiding emotion and drama tend to be helpful. Keeping is simple with "It isn't safe to be on the road without a seat belt. You  need to put it on now" is enough.

Respectful communication is a different issue, and doesn't have squat to do with us being parents. Our children need to speak to other humans respectfully because other humans have feelings. They need to learn to speak to their siblings respectfully, and their friends, friends' parents, classmates, teachers etc.  Heck, they need to learn to speak to themselves respectfully! We aren't in some special category that they need to kiss our butts, but rather we are people that they get a lot of practice with who get to give them feedback on how they are doing on this important skill. And probably the biggest single thing that will help them learn to to speak respectfully is how we speak to them. So, any parent who is speaking to their child in a disrespectful way in hopes that it will make their child more polite is really sending big fat mixed messages.

Having had people in positions of power over me use that power to deeply hurt me, I have never taught my kids that they need to "respect authority" and "do what they are told."

I taught my kids think and to be respectful of everyone.

Story -- When one of my daughters got to the stage in life where she was riding with teen drivers, I asked her if she always wore her seat belt, and if the other teens did as well. I asked if any of the teens she rides with ever text and drive. She looked at me like I was crazy.

 "Of course we wear seat belts!  And no, no one with an IQ above plant life texts and drives, and all my friends have IQs above plant life. We also don't screw around in the car, because it can be distracting to the driver. And anyone wearing a hat has to take it off."

I was like..... headscratch.gif "Why do they have to take off their hats?"

"Because hats really limit the drivers visability"

So she and her friends had come up with more safety rules than I had. I taught her a principle, (be safe when in a car) and she applied it.
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

While I try to give my children explanations about why rules are in place sometimes they just have yo "obey" things they are too young to understand.

Keep telling them why, even if they aren't old enough to really get it yet. Hearing it over and over is how they get it. Besides the fact that they are learning from all the words you say, you are getting into a good parenting habit. "Because I said so and you need to obey and respect me"  will not serve you long term.

Thanks. I needed to read this at the moment. And it's great to hear that the messages do sink in eventually as well.
post #28 of 73
Deleted
Edited by apeydef - 12/7/13 at 9:04pm
post #29 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

Ok the seatbelt thing was an example but once again my words get twisted and I get bashed! I said I don't agree with the husband!!!! Read through before you attack me. My point was we tell out kids something we tell them why so they understand and then they are expected to obey! I guess I just look at it differently.

 

Yes, I think you are looking at it differently, and that people are disagreeing with you rather than bashing you. I didn't think you were saying that you wanted to do like the OP's husband. I'm going to continue in the same vein as Linda on the Move, because it's working for my son in the present and she's given a nice picture of how it could work in the future. 

 

It is a problem in general that it's hard to explain what we're going for when we try to elicit thoughtful compliance rather than simple obedience.

 

Redirecting our attention to the OP for a second, we can see that her husband thinks his methods are better, because he gets immediate obedience when he can threaten punishment. When she suggests a parenting class, he thinks it's for her because he is such a great dad. In the meantime, she's feeling stomped, like she can't communicate her own values to her child. This is bad. It's significantly better than the kinds of manipulation she witnessed in the original post, but it's still a model of parenting that privileges his need to be obeyed and respected over the child's need to learn to self-regulate.  

 

I know this isn't a wonderful reflection, because as moms we'd like our sons to have positive relationships with their dads. Still, I do think that if you perceive your partner's parenting as overly concerned with his own importance and not the child's, it's likely that eventually, the child is going to figure it out too. 

post #30 of 73
Deleted
Edited by apeydef - 12/7/13 at 9:01pm
post #31 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

While I agree the husband was harsh and didn't need to hi to such extremes I am shocked at how many people are saying kids should not be raised to be obedient! While I try to give my children explanations about why rules are in place sometimes they just have yo "obey" things they are too young to understand.

There's obedience, and there's respect.  One implies a dominant/submissive relationship of "I'm always right, you're always wrong", the other is more a give and take where you're not always wrong or right, but sometimes its better to back down to allow the other person to save face.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by newmum35 View Post
 

He was very angry that I challenged him on something to do with parenting, he is always like this, he will be very upset if I don't like his way of doing things...

 

It's not really a challenge, he just perceives it that way.  It's a behavior flaw on his part and has nothing to do with you or your son, so don't take it personally.  HE on the other hand needs to somehow be removed from his little *bubble* and see that what he does is not ok - it' not ok to manipulate people to get your own way.  I mean how would he feel if the tables were turned and someone he worked with, maybe a boss or just a co-worker, was manipulating him to get him to do things their way?  I bet he'd be pretty worked up over it.  My DH is similar in he has his opinions and doesn't like to be told otherwise.....but I do tell him.  and it creates occasional fights, but I can't bring myself to sit back and do nothing when I know I'm the one who's right.  And really it's not about who's right or wrong, but really that respect that isn't there.  If he wants your son to be respectful of him and of others, he only needs to look at how he treats others and the example that he is setting because actions speak louder than words.  He can't expect something that he isn't capable of modeling.

 

Anyway this is what dh does now if our son does something he does not like, whether its not do something he's asked to do timely enough or if he talks back or anything dh deems fit for a punishment which is usually because he didn't listen to something he was told to do, he says he "owes him 6 minutes" (because he's 6 yrs old now, I think he got that idea from watching nanny show) it used to be 5 minutes.. so until he does his 6 minutes (he must sit on his bed and do nothing and think about what he done and his dad talks to him during this time to be sure  he understands why he is being punished and didn't forget what he did) then my husband will not play with him or do any fun stuff with him until that 6 min. is done.

 

Correct me if I am wrong, but am I understanding this correctly that during this 6min "punishment" your DH stands there lecturing him the entire time??  Because that is NOT how these time in are supposed to work, and if he got if from one of those nanny shows clearly he wasn't watching it closely enough and has adapted it slightly to fit his agenda.  The purpose of reflection time with these time out/time in, is just that - time for the kid to think, no talking involved.  Now to each his own some people don't agree that time outs are GD enough, but if your only other options are hitting or yelling and this is the only agreement a family can come to then by all means do it but it has to be don right to be effective.  My father had a habit of making us "look him in the eye" when yelling at us as kids (this was generally following the spanking) and I'm 30 years old and to this day I physically cannot bring myself to look people in the eye if they are even remotely tense or angry with me.  What your DH is doing is using a timeout as a cover for what he really likes to do - hear himself talk and have the last word.

 

 Its up to my son when he does his minutes.. it can be that day or the next week but he doesn't get to do any fun stuff with his dad until then.  Sometimes he gets multiple times in one day, today he got 3 of them :( Some days he gets none. He does them one at a time though, and usually on different days... not 2 back to back... I am not sure what to think of it all, thats not how I was raised, and my husband does seem to be adapting his approach and trying to better himself as a father (he used to make him sit right then against his will trying to hold him or make him stay on the bed, now he no longer does that, and its up to DS when he is ready to and this seems to be working much better) but he does seem to get a lot of them sometimes (I don't think a week goes by without at least a few) and I just wanted to get some input on this.  What does everyone else do when their kid misbehaves or doesn't do something parent has asked them to do? How does everyone else handle it? Is there a better way?

This is a big issue - not addressing the "crime" immediately following.  Here's the thing...punishment does work, but it has to be done immediately and to a level that works without being over the top or abusive and even so it yields unpredictable results.  It's why dog trainers moved away from choke chains and pinch collars and onto positive reinforcement - better results quicker.  Buy saying "hey son, you didn't pick up your toy, you owe me 6 minutes" but not making it happen right away, there's essentially no consequence.  The brain no longer relates the two things therefore it's not effective.  Basically, if the behavior repeats itself following punishment, the punishment as ineffective and should not be repeated.  Time outs if being used should never be forceful.  As soon as you inflict anger into your voice, you will get resistance - and you obviously got that.  For it to work, DH really needs to be silent and not take it so personal.  If it takes 100x to get your LO to stay in one spot for 6 mins, ok, it takes 100x, no bid deal, because guess what? Next time it will take 50 or 20, or only 3x before he understands that consequence and goes on his own.  This is why some GD'ers don't use time outs feeling it's not natural enough of a consequence, but for some it works, so if this is the path you are choosing, your DH really needs to get ahold of his emotions and do it right - NO LECTURING.  My 2 yo has occasionally been placed on her bed for spitting.  The conversation that follows?  "Do you know why mommy had you go here" (generally she does or I will help her with the words), "ok, it's not nice do that so lets go play and please no spitting" followed by hug and a kiss.  I don't lecture for 2mins on why spitting is gross or inappropriate.

 

 I personally don't do the 6 min, I just send him to his room and I'm somewhat flexible about it, he can sometimes come out early for good behavior.. I also don't go with him, he doesn't have to sit on the bed he can play if he wants to. But the time varies from 5min-30min depending on how cooperative he is at going on his own, because I do not physically make him go but just tell him to, sometimes he doesn't listen right away but for the most part I think he's pretty good about it all. When he comes out I try to remind him why he went in the first place so he doesn't forget, because he does play in there, so I know he is not thinking about it the entire time, which is ok with me.

Consistency.  You have to do just as your DH and if you decide on time outs the timing and method has to be the same otherwise you are holding him to 2 different standards and only confusing him more as to what the rules really are.  It's not I can do one thing with mom and another with dad - it's all or nothing.

 

You both owe it to your son to give him a solid middle ground.  What your husband is doing is wrong and hurtful and will only cause further tension and behavior problems in the future as they battle it out.  But you also can't feel bad for your son and fail to offer up any sort of options - you're moving so far opposite of your DH in order to compensate that it won't help your LO.

 

In my editing I managed to miss out on the quote about your DH's analogy of punishment and reward but I wanted to address that because he seem very stuck in the methodology that this is the only way behaviors are created. There are plenty of jobs that don't pay, or pay much, and yet people continue to show up and are glad to do so - when you do what you enjoy, or work for someone who praises your work and doesn't make demands but treats everyone as equals, you work harder and don't mind doing it.  When your boss is a demeaning, demanding jerk, how likely are you to call out sick or no put in 100%?  He needs to look at how he's parenting in this manner.  He needs to consider all of the people in his own life - who does he enjoy their company and why?  Hopefully he enjoys the company of those who are kind and considerate and can relate to feelings of being put out and understand that your LO is capable of all these same feelings.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
 

Kids who are taught to "obey" learn to do what mom and dad want while mom and dad are looking.

THIS!!!! All day long.  The second backs are turned they have zero impulse control and zero ability to distinguish right from wrong, safe from dangerous.  You have to empower kids to make decisions themselves - good decisions.

post #32 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by newmum35 View Post
What does everyone else do when their kid misbehaves or doesn't do something parent has asked them to do? How does everyone else handle it? Is there a better way?

First, what do you mean by misbehaviour?

 

Second, I don't really think of my kids "misbehaving" if they don't do what I tell them to do. I figure they must have a reason to oppose it.

 

Then I try to figure out what that reason is. For example, I volunteer in my kids' school. Today I helped in the school until 6 pm, then I picked up my dd from daycare (in the same building) and we had to walk home. Dd was whiny and refusing to walk. Instead of punishing her, I had to admit it was way past the time I usually pick her up, it was cold and dark outside and close to dinnertime, so she was tired and hungry. So we walked very slowly, and we stopped when she asked.

 

Sometimes the reason seems superfluous to us. My ds has a hard time making his bed in the morning. So I have to gently reinforce it every morning, reminding him, sometimes even helping him a little bit, telling him that if it does it quickly we might have some time to watch TV. Punishment would make him resent it even more. I want him to to make it a habit, and continue making his bed after he leaves my home. How can punishment help with that?

 

If you give us some concrete examples of your ds's misbehaviour, maybe other posters have other suggestions.

post #33 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

Ok the seatbelt thing was an example but once again my words get twisted and I get bashed! I said I don't agree with the husband!!!! Read through before you attack me. My point was we tell out kids something we tell them why so they understand and then they are expected to obey! I guess I just look at it differently.

 

You didn't get attacked or bashed -- you got disagreed with. Some one respectfully explaining how they see things differently from you is NOT a personal attack. The way this is completely relevant to this thread is that eventually, your kids will disagree with you and tell you why. That doesn't mean they are attacking you, or god forbid, disrespecting you, but rather that they are separate human beings who see things differently.

 

I think there is a big overlap between parents who want their kids to "obey and respect" and people who get super bent out of shape when other disagree with them. It's the same feeling coming from inside, just labeled differently if it is pointed at other adult or at their own child.

 

Look at the OPer's husband -- he wants absolute obedience from his child, and he cannot have a conversation with his wife where he listens to her point of view. Its really the same thing coming from inside him, it just plays out a little differently with different people.

post #34 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by sassyfirechick View Post
Consistency.  You have to do just as your DH and if you decide on time outs the timing and method has to be the same otherwise you are holding him to 2 different standards and only confusing him more as to what the rules really are.  It's not I can do one thing with mom and another with dad - it's all or nothing.....

 

You both owe it to your son to give him a solid middle ground.  What your husband is doing is wrong and hurtful and will only cause further tension and behavior problems in the future as they battle it out.  But you also can't feel bad for your son and fail to offer up any sort of options - you're moving so far opposite of your DH in order to compensate that it won't help your LO.

 

Although I agree that it is less than I ideal for a child when one parent is overly strict and controlling for the other parent to tries to make up for it, I disagree with your advice. I don't agree that mom should start doing as dad does. Instead, I think mom needs to get herself and her sweet child as far away from dad as possible, so that child has one home where he can be treated humanly, even though he will have another home where he is required to spend time where he is treated in such a demeaning way.

 

The answer for this child is NOT for mom to do the same as dad.

 

 

post #35 of 73
Deleted
Edited by apeydef - 12/7/13 at 9:06pm
post #36 of 73
How do I delete all my posts? Is there a mod who can please help me?
post #37 of 73
To this thread only
post #38 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post
 

 

Although I agree that it is less than I ideal for a child when one parent is overly strict and controlling for the other parent to tries to make up for it, I disagree with your advice. I don't agree that mom should start doing as dad does. Instead, I think mom needs to get herself and her sweet child as far away from dad as possible, so that child has one home where he can be treated humanly, even though he will have another home where he is required to spend time where he is treated in such a demeaning way.

 

The answer for this child is NOT for mom to do the same as dad.

 

 

Ok well my intent was not that mom become demeaning to the child.  It was more along the lines of if they are working things out, then dad needs to get his act together and stop doing times outs as a way to lecture and get his agenda/opinion across and if times outs are the method they chose, mom needs to also follow the same format.  So not a format of lecturing and I did say that a few times in there, no lecturing.  I'm not going to advocate for a divorce where the OP has not asked for any advice on that topic.  My DH is similar although not so harsh, but my personality is much different it seems than the OP so I'm able to get my point across and we've made things work and he's learning to change.  You can't change behaviors overnight when that was how someone was raised.  They have to first recognize that there is a problem and then want to change before anything can happen.  It is possible.  And I want the OP to know that things can get better without moving out.  She hasn't found courage to stand up to her DH I doubt she's going to take it a step further and run off with her child (no offense OP).

post #39 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by apeydef View Post

Bu
but you guys are twisting what in saying!! That's why I feel attacked... I'm agreeing with everyone by saying I feel kids need reasons to learn why not to do things but the end result is their obedience! You tell your kids not to run in the house because they may get hurt or something may break and they are then expected to listen which in turn is them obeying and respecting! I never said that this was my intent to only get obedience and I don't appreciate others who do not know me telling me how MY children are going to turn out! That is very disrespectful.

 

 

If you write to advocate a position that is different from that of others who have posted in the thread--which you acknowledged by saying that you see things differently--then it's not actually surprising that others post to say that they disagree with your position. That's true even though it's clear that you aren't advocating making children obey arbitrary commands. 

 

Though discussion board writing is very informal, if you don't say what you mean with some precision, people will misunderstand you. (Actually, sometimes even when you do say what you mean with precision, they misunderstand you!) In this situation, I don't think you've communicated exactly what you wanted to say, because at least two people are reflecting back statements that you think are twisting your words. I really try hard not to do that, so I wonder whether you need to take another stab at saying what you mean? 

post #40 of 73
Quote:
Originally Posted by sassyfirechick View Post
 

Ok well my intent was not that mom become demeaning to the child.  It was more along the lines of if they are working things out, then dad needs to get his act together and stop doing times outs as a way to lecture and get his agenda/opinion across and if times outs are the method they chose, mom needs to also follow the same format.  So not a format of lecturing and I did say that a few times in there, no lecturing.  I'm not going to advocate for a divorce where the OP has not asked for any advice on that topic.  My DH is similar although not so harsh, but my personality is much different it seems than the OP so I'm able to get my point across and we've made things work and he's learning to change.  You can't change behaviors overnight when that was how someone was raised.  They have to first recognize that there is a problem and then want to change before anything can happen.  It is possible.  And I want the OP to know that things can get better without moving out.  She hasn't found courage to stand up to her DH I doubt she's going to take it a step further and run off with her child (no offense OP).

 

 

The OP hasn't found the courage to stand up to her DH? Let's put the onus of responsibility on the DH for that, though, OK? To me, you shouldn't need courage to talk to your spouse, unless his behavior is a little scary. I am divorced now (!) and I am not afraid to tell my ex-spouse stuff about our child. Even at the nadir of our marriage, we were on the same page about most parenting stuff. I know, that's my good fortune. It's not my courage. 

 

I do not agree that parents need to follow the same disciplinary regime in order to be consistent. Parents need to enforce the same household rules to be consistent. If one parent makes sure the child gets to bed on time through the threat of time-outs (which is what the 6 minutes in the corner is, basically) and the other gets the child to bed by creating a successful nighttime routine, there is still a consistent bedtime. If one parent doesn't allow candy before lunch, then the other has to not allow candy before lunch. 

 

If Dad gets you to put on your seatbelt by threatening a six minute penalty and Mom gets you to do it by refusing to start the car until the belt is buckled, you still get your seatbelt on. 

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