Originally Posted by newmum35
He was very angry that I challenged him on something to do with parenting, he is always like this, he will be very upset if I don't like his way of doing things...
It's not really a challenge, he just perceives it that way. It's a behavior flaw on his part and has nothing to do with you or your son, so don't take it personally. HE on the other hand needs to somehow be removed from his little *bubble* and see that what he does is not ok - it' not ok to manipulate people to get your own way. I mean how would he feel if the tables were turned and someone he worked with, maybe a boss or just a co-worker, was manipulating him to get him to do things their way? I bet he'd be pretty worked up over it. My DH is similar in he has his opinions and doesn't like to be told otherwise.....but I do tell him. and it creates occasional fights, but I can't bring myself to sit back and do nothing when I know I'm the one who's right. And really it's not about who's right or wrong, but really that respect that isn't there. If he wants your son to be respectful of him and of others, he only needs to look at how he treats others and the example that he is setting because actions speak louder than words. He can't expect something that he isn't capable of modeling.
Anyway this is what dh does now if our son does something he does not like, whether its not do something he's asked to do timely enough or if he talks back or anything dh deems fit for a punishment which is usually because he didn't listen to something he was told to do, he says he "owes him 6 minutes" (because he's 6 yrs old now, I think he got that idea from watching nanny show) it used to be 5 minutes.. so until he does his 6 minutes (he must sit on his bed and do nothing and think about what he done and his dad talks to him during this time to be sure he understands why he is being punished and didn't forget what he did) then my husband will not play with him or do any fun stuff with him until that 6 min. is done.
Correct me if I am wrong, but am I understanding this correctly that during this 6min "punishment" your DH stands there lecturing him the entire time?? Because that is NOT how these time in are supposed to work, and if he got if from one of those nanny shows clearly he wasn't watching it closely enough and has adapted it slightly to fit his agenda. The purpose of reflection time with these time out/time in, is just that - time for the kid to think, no talking involved. Now to each his own some people don't agree that time outs are GD enough, but if your only other options are hitting or yelling and this is the only agreement a family can come to then by all means do it but it has to be don right to be effective. My father had a habit of making us "look him in the eye" when yelling at us as kids (this was generally following the spanking) and I'm 30 years old and to this day I physically cannot bring myself to look people in the eye if they are even remotely tense or angry with me. What your DH is doing is using a timeout as a cover for what he really likes to do - hear himself talk and have the last word.
Its up to my son when he does his minutes.. it can be that day or the next week but he doesn't get to do any fun stuff with his dad until then. Sometimes he gets multiple times in one day, today he got 3 of them :( Some days he gets none. He does them one at a time though, and usually on different days... not 2 back to back... I am not sure what to think of it all, thats not how I was raised, and my husband does seem to be adapting his approach and trying to better himself as a father (he used to make him sit right then against his will trying to hold him or make him stay on the bed, now he no longer does that, and its up to DS when he is ready to and this seems to be working much better) but he does seem to get a lot of them sometimes (I don't think a week goes by without at least a few) and I just wanted to get some input on this. What does everyone else do when their kid misbehaves or doesn't do something parent has asked them to do? How does everyone else handle it? Is there a better way?
This is a big issue - not addressing the "crime" immediately following. Here's the thing...punishment does work, but it has to be done immediately and to a level that works without being over the top or abusive and even so it yields unpredictable results. It's why dog trainers moved away from choke chains and pinch collars and onto positive reinforcement - better results quicker. Buy saying "hey son, you didn't pick up your toy, you owe me 6 minutes" but not making it happen right away, there's essentially no consequence. The brain no longer relates the two things therefore it's not effective. Basically, if the behavior repeats itself following punishment, the punishment as ineffective and should not be repeated. Time outs if being used should never be forceful. As soon as you inflict anger into your voice, you will get resistance - and you obviously got that. For it to work, DH really needs to be silent and not take it so personal. If it takes 100x to get your LO to stay in one spot for 6 mins, ok, it takes 100x, no bid deal, because guess what? Next time it will take 50 or 20, or only 3x before he understands that consequence and goes on his own. This is why some GD'ers don't use time outs feeling it's not natural enough of a consequence, but for some it works, so if this is the path you are choosing, your DH really needs to get ahold of his emotions and do it right - NO LECTURING. My 2 yo has occasionally been placed on her bed for spitting. The conversation that follows? "Do you know why mommy had you go here" (generally she does or I will help her with the words), "ok, it's not nice do that so lets go play and please no spitting" followed by hug and a kiss. I don't lecture for 2mins on why spitting is gross or inappropriate.
I personally don't do the 6 min, I just send him to his room and I'm somewhat flexible about it, he can sometimes come out early for good behavior.. I also don't go with him, he doesn't have to sit on the bed he can play if he wants to. But the time varies from 5min-30min depending on how cooperative he is at going on his own, because I do not physically make him go but just tell him to, sometimes he doesn't listen right away but for the most part I think he's pretty good about it all. When he comes out I try to remind him why he went in the first place so he doesn't forget, because he does play in there, so I know he is not thinking about it the entire time, which is ok with me.
Consistency. You have to do just as your DH and if you decide on time outs the timing and method has to be the same otherwise you are holding him to 2 different standards and only confusing him more as to what the rules really are. It's not I can do one thing with mom and another with dad - it's all or nothing.