Originally Posted by unicornmama
My point is, a child exposed to this attitude very likely has a lot of repressed anger issues. Keep that in mind.
This is one of my fears, as I believe my husband has repressed anger issues, probably stemming from childhood. He thinks he comes from a normal wonderful family and I think he is trying to parent in the way he was raised because thats all he knows and he feels it is best.. Its almost like he was glorifying punishments a few times.. he asked my son a few times what he thought his punishment should be... trying to let him play a role in that as if it were some wonderful thing that is only done by someone who loves him.
We haven't talked about how he was raised and if I try to find out now I probably won't get the truth. I don't think he'd tell me anything that I might find fault with. But however he was raised, I know I definitely want to do the opposite. The last thing I want is to raise someone that grows up to be like my husband who has never learned how to express their anger properly and ends up destroying their marriage. I even touched on that once in conversation and he quickly turned the tables around and suggested that our marital problems were from the way I was raised because I had not received punishments.
Your X sounds violent, not like my husband although they may share similarities, mine is only covertly aggressive; similarly controlling but was not quite as paranoid about spoiling although he did want me to do the Ferber method (cry it out) which I tried part of one night in desperation but quickly ruled it out, I knew it was wrong for us. He told me that night if I didn't do it, then I was on my own with any sleep issues and he wouldn't help me.. He'd never helped me anyway at night so there wasn't any difference on my end. But I never asked for any help at night from him or any advice, because he made it clear he would not help me because we disagreed... that was my punishment for not agreeing with him. The last thing I wanted to do anyway was leave DS with someone who thought cry-it-out was a great thing, so I was totally ok with his "consequence" of not following through with the Ferber method! Now if he would have insisted he be the one to parent at night, I would have had a problem with that. lol
This was when DS well under a year old, maybe 6 months or so.. and he continued to wake up frequently at night for over 3 years (He sleeps great now! :)) So I just parented on my own at night for all those years and continue to do so even now, just as a single parent would. My husband never woke up in middle of night to help with anything, not ever from the time he was born, nor did he even wake up early to watch him in morning so I could sleep in. He basically wanted to "punish me" by sleep depriving me I think, and I was definitely sleep deprived for years. He got several days a week off from work he got to sleep in as much as he wanted and I never got any. (After the age of 3 I finally got a break when DS visit relative occasionally)
I think my husband is paranoid about him growing up to be a wild, rebellious teen someone "out of control" who doesn't listen or respect authority so this is where his fear is coming from and why he's trying so hard to correct now. I think its ridiculous of course, as I was nowhere near a wild teen and was not controlled at all. So I think theres probably a correlation and he'll probably get the thing he fears, by doing what he's doing.
I'm getting a bit off track... I appreciate the latest suggestions, all very good and gave me a lot to think about.. yes it was his own toy (I enjoyed it too, and so did his cousin when he visited) but that was a good point. Not long after that, he got mad about something else, and ripped up his lego booklet. He didn't care about it since he already knew how to build it. But I like to take care of things and like to keep the booklets and boxes nice. But at least it wasn't a real book, so I wasn't too upset to be honest but I didn't want him to think it was ok to destroy things... I then thought of a good idea (input?) and we put about 5 pieces of paper in his room for the next time he's angry he can get one or two and rip it up into as many pieces as he wants. One did end up ripped up at some point but I can't remember if he was actually angry about something, or just playing and enjoying the mess.
We don't have scheduled times but we read almost every day.. One thing I found early on was when I tried to use "rewards" after he read to me, he suddenly hated reading if there was no rewards. (he's been reading since 3) He loves when I read to him, but doesn't love so much when I ask him to read to me, even if we take turns on pages. Its just not so much fun for him, he acts like its "work". A year or two ago I had a little box of prizes he could pick after each story and from that point I think I spoiled his love of reading although we still read together but I don't know if its ever been the same. I'm almost sorry I did that but I admit I'm thinking of doing it again to bring back some excitement for him. He's well advanced for his age though, he's only in K and is almost on 2nd grade readers so no worries there.
Ok I might try the cuddle break idea instead of sending to room.. if I remember to! I like the idea, I just don't want him to feel he has to do bad things in order to cuddle, if he ends up liking the cuddle break a little too much. I definitely don't punish him for things I think his father would. I don't even like to send him to his room but I just don't know what else to do when what he's doing is upsetting me and I want him to know it is wrong and I ask him to stop 3 or 4 times and he doesn't listen. I'm just very grateful he actually goes (because there is no door on his room) ...although he definitely dawdles on the way! ..And what if what he's doing is making super loud noises close to my ear and doesn't stop when I ask him to so I send him to his room, and now that changes to a cuddle? Oh dear, will that get the noise to stop? lol