dreaming of ucing completely alone

[Deepfeet]

I have already hired a doula (and I'm a trained doula myself), but I cannot shake this desire to labour completely alone. I hired a doula because I its the 'smart thing' to do... as if its an excuse, if something goes wrong, "well I wasn't completely alone, I had a doula etc". But the truth is, as I approach my due date, my visions of this birth become clearer and clearer, I am alone. I am alone. DH and DS are near, but I don't see them and they don't see me.
My first birth ended with an emerency c section (after 9cm and the urge to push, my very pushy doctor said it was time to cut due to infant hypoxia). Being in the hospital was not my choice, but rather a strong message I received - I was devastated but felt the conviction to make that choice. I hated every moment i was in that hospital. I just wanted to run and hide and birth in isolation.
I really feel like this will be the most comfortable thing for me... I'm posting here because I know how important having a support can be during labour. I feel crazy for this isolation fantasy, not because I question it in other people, but because I know I can be extreme about things, and I want to keep it together when deciding such a serious matter...
A lot of ucers who decide to birth completely alone are women who have had more than one birth... I've only made it to 9cm,.. This is going to be really new territory for me.

thoughts, warnings, questions, encouragement, anything would be really helpful.

[BlessedJess]

I would bet you've seen my thread on intuition in birth but a lot of mothers posted there and I think if you haven't read it already maybe read it now. Don't discount your desires. Just be sure to be living in the moment when you birth, staying fully in touch with yourself, in case you feel like bringing someone closer to you at that time. Doesn't mean you will need anyone, but there's no harm in making that option possible ahead of time.

[amberskyfire]

I am the type that has to UC alone. I'm okay with others (minimal and selective) being in the house, but they are not allowed in the room with me. I labor in my bedroom/bathroom and keep the door cracked so anyone walking by can peek in without making any noise to see if I'm still alive (JOKE!) but they are not allowed to come in or talk to me or watch me. I am FIRM on this. I know a lot of mamas like support, but I need to be left alone.

Like I said, I know a lot of other mamas like the support of others, so please don't take this at all personally. This is just for ME, the way I like to birth. It's just how *I* feel.

But...I can't understand the births I see where women are giving birth with others around. Their husbands are constantly touching them. I would punch my husband in the teeth if he touched me in labor. I see mamas with their children stroking them and playing in the birth pool. I would be cussing DH out for letting them in the room to talk to me and I am normally the gentlest, sweetest, most loving mama. If a person so much as looked at me they'd hear a string of language from me they could never have imagined would come from my mouth. You don't look at me. You don't talk to me. You don't even THINK about me and I swear, I WILL hear you thinking about me from the next room. LOL!

So yeah, I don't like others around me when I'm giving birth. They can't help me. It's my battle. It's my work to do. No one can help me. No one is going to share in the glory. Nobody can bring my babies into the world but me. Any outside interference is just a distraction, not help. I don't need to try to find help outside of myself, I need to be left alone so I can find my own strength within myself. That's what gets me through childbirth. I need to go deeper inside. I need to leave what's outside my body and let go of everything else so I can go in and get what I need from there. I reach in, not out.

That said, I do enjoy sharing the joy of the end of the birth with others. I call my family into the room when I'm pushing. By that point, I don't care if the whole world sees me. It doesn't bother me anymore. They can come in and watch the baby come into the world. Besides, someone has to take the birth video. ;)
 

[Logan]

I don't think you are crazy at all. I am exactly the same. Apart from my kids, I don't want anyone there at all. I find it messes with my birthing really badly. Maybe if I had an amazing mom, sister, etc who were incredible support to me, I would feel different and want them there. But there is nobody in my life I would be 100% comfortable having there. I prefer to be on my own. I labored alone last time til the last 15 minutes (midwife came, had to call for other reasons not really involving birth) in hindsight if I knew how close DD was I would never have called. But that labor was so incredibly powerful and peaceful. I just hung out with my beautiful son and enjoyed every contraction. I loved it. I am a lone wolf and good at getting things done well without anyone watching me ;). 

Only you know what you truly need and want. If you are not sure whether you will need the doula, what about just wait and see while you are in labor. I would be very honest and straight up with her beforehand about how you are feeling. If she is a great doula (which I am sure she is) she will totally understand and be happy to come only if needed/wanted. Let her know when you are in labor, so she can be ready to come if you change your mind. And have her on speed dial ;). 

Also if I were in your situation (first VBAC) I would want someone awake at home. They wouldn't have to be involved, in the room, or coming in at all. But I would just want someone you could just call out to if you need to. Sounds like your DH (or DS if old enough) would fit that bill, even if he just watches TV in another room or something. If only to bring you towels or water etc ;)  

Did you find you really needed your DH, or other support, while laboring in the hospital? I know it's a different situation, but might give you an idea of how you are in labor. And if you are like Amberskyfire, and don't like to be seen or touched at all, that would be a big clue to how you might be this time too. ;)

[1babysmom]

I labor pretty much completely alone in my bathroom, on my exercise ball, each time...I am a quiet, solitary laborer unless people barge in on me, then I get irritated. LOL however I have called my hubby in for pushing each birth, and MIL has been there both times (they live across the road) and last time my mom and daugters got to see as well (it is a super quick process with me....a couple minutes- 2 pushes- max).

I definitely picture myself in my head doing it all myself...I have gone into labor at night each time so I imagine myself just not waking DH. It seems wonderful and so cool in my head. However I battle with thinking how DH would feel if I intentionally left him out....or even my daughters now, for that matter. Ultimately it has to be what is best for mama, but since it is sort of just a cool idea in my head and I don't feel hindered with DH or the children present during those last moments (in fact I am glad they were able to be a part of it last time), I probably wouldn't ever end up CHOOSING to do it all alone. Now if it just happened that way, that's another thing....

Now MIL being there is a different story....I love her and she is great (and her knowledge and experience are invaluable), but sometimes she can get a little overbearing during birth, like she thinks I NEED it. They live across the road from us though so I an just plannin on being quiet about it an asking DH not to call her unless it's necessary. But to me, birthing with just hubby and the fam would feel solitary enough.

[sunshinelove]

I loved your post, ambersky. The way you described how you give birth reminds me very much of myself. I dont want to be bothered, touched, messed with, talked to, nothing. Focusing inward is the only thing that matters, any outside distractions hinders that. I'm not sure if i'd feel comfortable with anyone watching the baby come out (last time i was alone the entire time and i havent given birth yet this time). My instincts tell me i'll be too wrapped up in whats happening to care one way or the other, but we'll see (or not see lol).

OP, i can understand wanting to make sure you're not being too extreme. It sounds like everything would have gone well during your first labor if you had been left alone (9cm and pushy is most of the work). Your instinct to go somewhere else and give birth alone when you were in the hospital is a clear sign that thats what was right for you. You knew it but you didnt listen to it. Now you're being given the opportunity again. It doesnt sound to me like you're being extreme but one way you can find out for sure is by researching and talking with a few midwives to see how it feels having them in your space. Can you imagine having them with you at your birth? If you cant, if it feels unnatural and strange then its not right for you. Thats what i did and i discovered that giving birth alone is what feels the best for me. If it makes you feel safer, have a phone nearby in case you need to call 911 or have someone within earshot who can help you or make the call for you.

[Deepfeet]

thank you so much to everyone who responded!
I had a long chat with my doula and I'm beginning to feel both very birthy and very calm about everything. I will let her know when labor begins, and will keep her posted - she'll come when I ask her to.

My memories of laboring at the hospital - other than feeling incredibly stuck, 'not right' and defeated, was sympathy for my husband. he wanted to help me because he could see I wasn't comfortable, and I needed him near because he was my only familiar, but I can definitely see myself wanting to be left alone with the door cracked open so he can check on me - and leave me be.

I would love for dh and ds to be near for the end of it all, and even though i feel like I'm hiring my doula for a short amount of time, I feel at ease knowing she is available and prepared if I find myself needing extra support.

Due date is March 16! I look forward to posting 'results'. We'll see what animal I turn into during labor :)

thank you again for your comments everyone! As it stands, I'm feeling really good about my decision and feel calm about trusting this voice. Its so good to hear stories from women with similar desires/dispositions.

[Logan]

Ooooh, not long now mama! How exciting. Have a wonderful birth 

[sunshinelove]

Deepfeet--i am due the 20th (or possibly the 19th) . Come join us in the March DDC if you like, its never too late to join and we're always happy to have new memebers!