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Accepting I don't have friends

post #1 of 48
Thread Starter 
I'm a 32 year old SAHM. I have 3 kids and another on the way. I have not had any close friends since before I became pregnant with my first child 9 years ago. I've never had tons of friends but I always had a few very close ones at different stages in my life. I had a bff from the age of 7 until after high school. We went in separate directions, and she is unable to have children. The differences in our lives ended the friendship.

For the first three years of being a mom I was involved with my baby not much else mattered to me. I did not meet any other like minded parents either, so I preferred to keep my distance. Before the birth of my second, we went through financial stresses and had to sell our second vehicle. Which left me stranded at home for about another 3 years. I think it was during this time I lost all hope and faith in people. It was a extremely tough time in my life and I had no friends or family to turn to. When my oldest was ready to start school we joined a homeschooling group and for the first time ever I met some like minded parents. I was so thrilled! My hopes were so high, but no friendships beyond casual ones ever developed.

I have other moms that say they are my friends but it's not the way it was when I was younger. The mom who pushes me to be her friend and always wants to help me is just not the right friend for me. We have drastic parenting differences and frankly her kids are a bad influence on mine. We don't have that connection either. That is the way it is with most other moms I meet. No connection. There are a few moms I like and do feel a connection with however so does everyone else. They have tons of friends and are always busy. After great play dates they fade back into their lives or move away. It's never lasting or consistent.

So after 9 years of no friends how do I accept that my life will be like this? I will forever be the odd mother out.
post #2 of 48
I feel exactly the same! Wish I had something better to say, but I don't. Hopefully other mamas will give us good advice...
post #3 of 48
I completely feel the same way. I'm not very good at making friends. Add in that I'm only 20 and I don't have very many people my age in that same situation. Not that I'm saying more teens/young women should have children, I just with I had a few "Mommy friends" I could talk to.
post #4 of 48

I'm in the same boat. hug2.gif

post #5 of 48
In all reality, it's what lead me here. I needed some outside opinions and Mommy support.
post #6 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by heyxxmcfly View Post

In all reality, it's what lead me here. I needed some outside opinions and Mommy support.

 

saddly MDC is not it once was and many people have left...some I might have called "friends"greensad.gif

 

It's funny how having a baby really changes things. I don't understand why.

post #7 of 48

I'm in the same boat too.

post #8 of 48
It was the same for me. Now that my son is a teen, the differences are smoothing out.

It is possible to have friends that parent and educate differently. Not that you want the kids hanging out with each other, but will help you get to the farmer's market when she's going, or something like that. I've had moms who parented differently give me their children's outgrown clothes when my husband was unemployed, and sent Christmas cards when family members didn't.

They are friends, in their own way. And on MDC you can hopefully find those with similar parenting.

I guess what I'm saying is I've learned to take what I can from who I can, and be grateful for what each one has to offer me. On good days. On bad days, I feel alone, so I understand that feeling, too.
post #9 of 48
Thread Starter 
Thanks for the comfort of knowing I'm not alone. :-)
post #10 of 48

Friends--contrary to popular belief, you don't need them.  #bitter

post #11 of 48
^ no you may not "need" them, but they really do help sometimes :/

I'll be a friend to every single one of you guys, if you like smile.gif Like I said, I love having friends I just don't have many IRL haha.
post #12 of 48
Quote:
Originally Posted by heyxxmcfly View Post

^ no you may not "need" them, but they really do help sometimes :/

I'll be a friend to every single one of you guys, if you like smile.gif Like I said, I love having friends I just don't have many IRL haha.

I will be your friend here...But it is getting hard to stay here...

post #13 of 48

I feel the same way. I don't have much in common with most of the parents around here. Mostly everyone is very religious and conservative. I get along better with the ones who aren't as religious...or at least don't talk about their religion all the time and are more laid back and like to have a drink and aren't too critical of others...My neighbors across the street are like that. They are so nice...but we haven't been invited to one of their parties in months. They used to invite us over all the time. I wonder if we did anything to offend them. I can be quiet sometimes and we never reciprocate...but as far as I can tell, no one else does either. The last time they had people over it was right before the elections and someone asked me who I voted for and I was honest...perhaps they didn't like my answer? I like most of my neighbors though and can usually find some common ground through our kids, etc...I wouldn't bring up religion or politics...that's for sure. Also, I don't see my husband hanging out with the neighborhood husbands either. He probably feels he doesn't have much in common with them either. He has a nice group of friends and some of the wives are nice too...but many of them are younger and don't have kids...or they all work and I am a stay at home mom...so not much in common there either. I'm pretty much a shut-in during the week because my husband works crazy hours and when he's not working, he takes martial arts during the week. He also does it Sunday afternoons, so that leaves little time for a social life when I'm always with the kids. 

 

In a way, I would rather not be too social with neighbors either. We have had that turn out bad before...our old neighbors were always inviting us over for every event when we didn't really like them or have anything in common with them (unstable home life, starting a business and hinting that they wanted us to invest all the time, questionable parenting style with possible caseworkers involved, always sending their kid over to play when he wasn't very nice to my son). When things go wrong, they are still neighbors..and it will get awkward.

 

I am trying to get back out into the workforce and I am hoping to meet a friend or two through that. We'll see. 

post #14 of 48
^ Good luck! I know how akward it is with neighbors.
Where I used to live, our neighbors directly across the street were empty nest parents. Both kids were grown and they LOVED to party, almost as much as people my age. But the down side to all that was the wife acted like she was my age, including all the high school drama of "he said. She said." It got quite horrible. Before my son, I couldn't do anything without them telling everyone that I had done this or done that, or "I saw you out with so&so! Is that a good choice."
I'm grown enough to decide who my friends are, thank you very much.
post #15 of 48

You can add me to this list.

post #16 of 48

Add me, too.  I'll post later when I have both hands free.  nak right now.

post #17 of 48
I think that is very common. I feel the same way. Hubby complains about his lack of friends yet with 3 kids, full time jobs, etc we hardly have any time or desire to actively search out friends. I think to some degree is a reality of the grown up life. greensad.gif
post #18 of 48

 After 5 years as a SAHM with 3 children, I resorted to a "mommy and me" play group at a local Gym. It took a whole year of Wednesdays (sometimes I went home and cried because I knew I would have another friendless week ahead of me) before I finally made a connection with another mom. We joke now about how awkward it was for me to ask for her phone number. But it was all worth it. Having just one friend inspired me with enough confidence to reach out to other people. SO many woman feel the way that you do. And 2 years later (and one more baby later) I finally feel like I have a village of friends. AND the secret ingredient to maintaining mother- friendships is allowing yourself to love THEIR kids (flaws included!) It's challenging but rewarding, just like being a mom. My husband is still the only person I feel 100% at ease with, but I hope with time my friendships will grow. Good luck mommies, and don't give up.

post #19 of 48
Thread Starter 
I always though the same thing. That maybe it's just grown up life. Grown ups don't have friendships the same way as you had them as a kid or teenager. Becoming a mom changes everything. If my husband is working 80 hours a week and I'm homeschooling, running a household and careing for 3 kids under the age of 8, I'm lucky I have enough time to take a shower. When in the world will I find the time to build and nurture any friendships?
post #20 of 48

I feel like I don't have any friends either, and I really want some!  I recently moved from NYC to southwest virginia for my husband's job.  I joined a mom's group, but I think I'm way more intellectual and weird than the other moms there and that I don't fit in.  I'm a pretty religious Catholic, but also a convert, and I've never before been around people who are so outwardly religious!  For me it's more of a private thing, but all the moms there talk about how they ask Jesus what to make for dinner and things like that.  It's so strange for me.  I feel like an alien observer.  I wish there was a way to meet other moms who are more interested in the things I like.
 

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