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Accepting I don't have friends - Page 3

post #41 of 48

You post breaks my heart but it is so depressing and negative.   I know it sucks, but no one wants to connect to a negative melancholic person who goes on and one "I have it harder than you, poor me, you do not understand"


What do you know about other people lives beyond FB posts? Someone might have husband every night at dinner or housekeeper every week, but suffer deeply from a serious painful condition or a loss of a loved one which is still fresh int heir memory after all those years. Perhaps they are happy but have to deal with mentally ill child.


We all suffer in different ways. You do not think they will understand you/? How much do your understand them.


Do not wait for people to email you. Email them. Organize a tea or play at home. Get a babysitter and invite a few people to go to movies with you. Organize babysitter co-op so you have time to go out and to pursue some activity with others. Sit down with you DH. Maybe he can get a different job, and you can work aprt time at some point so his house do not have to be so long.. 



Lower you expectation and accept differences or you will spend your entire life with just on BFF, you reflection in the mirror.


No one will be up to your family  standard ever, neither parent nor adults.



Diversity is spice of life. I have friend who are homeshoolers, Christians, Budhists, CIO and co sleepers,  pagans, hippies, Republicans and Liberals, polyamorist mean eaters  and monogamous vegans.



Accept people for who they are not for what you want them to be and you will find Friends!  Same goes for your friend's kids.

post #42 of 48
Thread Starter 
If someone doesn't like how I express myself then they should keep their opinions to themselfs and not come near me because I certainly would not want a friend who couldn't stand to listen to my melancholy opinions and feelings. I am who am I. I have never been a sunny happy positive person. I've lived a rough live. Most people can not fathom what I have gone through in my life. Sure others have it worse. Sure others who have had it worse come out sunny and positive. Good for them! If I ever become the sunny positive person some thing is wrong with me. I posted happy stuff on FB and said if I ever really do start acting like that please slap me. I'm negative, I'm sarcastic, I'm funny, I'm nice I like who I am and I like people that get that. I prefer to hang with others that are realist and see the world as it is not through rose colored glasses. Super happy positive people make me sick. Sorry it's true.

I only know my friends on FB personally. I've been to their houses, spent time with them. I have a really good understanding of what their lives are like. They don't have deep hidden things behind their happy posts and if they do they should be sharing that not -oh see how happy I am on FB but I'm dying inside. Again life is what it is why should I rose color everything? Who does that help? Certainly not me. If people are to positive to accept that life sucks, life is hard good for them. I however choose to accept reality. And yes poor me because I don't see or know any other moms doing what I do everyday. When you have lived my life, walked in my shoes, and are stuck doing it daily then you can tell me how I should feel and present myself to others.

I'm not going to spend time with others whom I have nothing in common with and whom i get nothing out of the relationship with them. I'm not going to undo all the values I have taught my children so they can spend time with children that have a negative impact on them and my family. I will be more content with my BFF in the mirror then doing that.

Speaking positively. I spent yesterday afternoon with the mom I really like. She has tons of friends but shares most of my opinions and judgements about others. We parent very similar. She has good kids and our kids all like each other. We decided we should get together weekly. We both greatly enjoy each others company. Melancholy negativity and all.
post #43 of 48

ITA, FL,mom re "friends" or acquaintances that are not reciprocal- there are many people I help or spend time with chiefly for their benefit, and that is fine, but I wouldn't call them friends or really depend on them for anything very important. I don't mind giving in a 1-way situation, as long as I am able to realize it & either accept it or move on. I only get hurt when I thought it was a reciprocal friendship, and it turns out being 1-way all the time (I'm not talking about helping a real friend thru a hard time when she can't give much-- that is part and parcel of friendship imo & a -friend- would do the same in return).


I've been where you are Path2Felicity, I moved away from this area years ago-- I'd had a great HS group with many moms I considered to be friends... a couple years later, I returned here & the HS group had fallen apart, several friends were moving away or had done so already. One mom I thought was a friend had changed/ begun revealing her true colors. The place where I'd moved to for a year or so had been brutal. That is to say, things change, and geography isn't everything. I hope your move goes smoothly & you find some great people at your new home.


The differing lifestyles/ parenting choices issue is hard, but not impossible, like a PP said. One of my best friends has parenting issues. Our DS1s are 19yo now & she is starting to see how her decisions are playing out in his adult life-- sadly, he is waiting to see if his abuse of his pregnant gf will be called a felony or not(!)... but she is not doing anything signficantly differently with her DD (who is over 10 yrs younger). It's hard for me to see her go thru the pain bc I care about her, but it's harder to see her make the same mistakes with her DD.


An additional problem for me (& prolly others) is that we live in a very rural area. I don't meet ppl at the park or museum-- the nearest park is a 40 min drive away! The nearest museum is 3+ hours, lol. Our "park" is our 10 acres, usually. We tt ppl at soccer a few hours a week, a few weeks a year, etc, but it usually isn't the basis for a friendship. That and a very small limited # of ppl at church who think I'm a kook or something, hehe.


Like a few others have said, I'm mostly fine with where I'm at, but it occurs to me that there are times when one -needs- a friend, like when I give birth in a few months! When I really and truly -cannot- do it all, it'd be great to know there was a friend to listen or even help out. The upside is, it'll make our family stronger, & DH & I are really bonding and becoming better friends. I have thought that this may also be the time when DD and I move from a mostly parent-child relationship to a more adult-(young) adult relationship (at least she wants to have a specific job in the delivery room :)

post #44 of 48

Well, I know it's not the same as IRL, but if anyone from this thread wants to be long-distance friends, PM me.  I'll add you to Facebook or we can text if you have a phone.  Real life friends are different, of course, but better that than nothing.  ;)


We don't have family either.  No cousins for our kids, no grandmas.  I don't fit into our small town mom groups, so far.  I'm sure eventually I'll find my groove but I'd like social interaction, even if it's just online.

post #45 of 48

Just read the rest of the thread -after- I posted, sorry...


FLmom, I'm glad you have one mom you can comfortably socialize with-- that can be a real lifesaver!


Re differing opinions expressed... idk, I see merit in both points of view ~shrug~


Accepting others as they are is as important as being accepted as you are & I think that is what you each, respectively, were getting at.


Part of "accepting I don't have friends" - the name of the thread - involves ultimately deciding how to proceed. One may accept it & not particularly want to change it-- fine; another may come to realize there are changes she want to make to alter her situation--  also fine. I think we're (mostly) all here trying to assess and work out where we are, so we can decide how to proceed & maybe in the process give & receive support from others who are (or have been) there... right?


I think the only danger is realizing where one is, not wanting to make any changes, but expecting different results, yk? (ref, definition of insanity, LOL)


This keeps coming to mind, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly..." pr 18.24a. I've also seen this translated, 'one who would have friends must show himself friendly,' but I can't find that trans just now. Good food for thought...

post #46 of 48
Originally Posted by mum4vr View Post


This keeps coming to mind, "A man who has friends must himself be friendly..." pr 18.24a. I've also seen this translated, 'one who would have friends must show himself friendly,' but I can't find that trans just now. Good food for thought...


I like this. So true.


FLMom---- I hope you get to be friends with this mom you like.

post #47 of 48
Thread Starter 

Well I think I'm very accepting of others.  I think everyone should choose how to live and what to do with their lives.  I have taken a lot of criticism for the life I live.  From birthing at home, homeschooling, wanting such a large family (while being insanely stressed), to how I choose to raise my children.  It comes from family, it comes from strangers. I see it like this - This is my life! No one else has to live it but me.  I'm the one who has to look in the mirror and live with the choices I made.  I'm the one who has to get up daily and do this, no one else.  So I really don't care what anyone else has to say.  I'm going to do what I want and what I think is best for me and my family.  You can accept it and be a part of our lives or not. Either way I will move forward with or without you. 


I definitely don't agree with choices others make but it's not my place to tell them that.  That being said if their choices interfere with my family or my choices then they can't be in our lives. Like moms with out of control children that will influence mine.  I still don't see the point of a relationship with someone whom I have nothing in common with.  It's not that I don't accept them it's that I'm not getting anything from it.  I am always doing things for others (I'm the one always offering to help you pack/move or paint your house, etc) I'm just nice but it doesn't really mean a friendship will grow or that I will want to be friends.


It was very comforting to me that after I feel off of FB I got a lot of calls and emails from people wondering where I was.  The other mom I really like just emailed me.  I haven't seen her since before Christmas.  She was missing me as much as I was missing her.  However she has 4 kids and I have 3 and life happens.  It's hard to hold friendships together while being overwhelmed caring for kids. She is moving away in Sept. :( Right when I will be giving birth to #4. 


mum4vr - My midwife asked who helps me after I give birth? I shook my head and told her no one. My husband has always gone back to work w/in 3 days of me giving birth. She almost started crying but it really is not that bad.  As long as you have someone running errands for you a.k.a. grocery shopping things are not that hard.  Babies sleep all the time although you will be exhausted and the constant nursing.  My 2nd never slept and was colic that was hard. My 3rd was really easy.  I gave birth, everyone held him and then went back to life as normal.  My husband made sure there was food in the house.  I had easy things to cook/feed the kids.  Going out was the hard part.  After all I only have 2 hands and now I had 3 kids. I wore him everywhere I had to go soccer, HS functions, etc. It actually gets harder when they are a little older and sleep less and want to be held more.  I feel like I have cooked thousands of meals while holding/nursing babies. My oldest will be 9 this time around.  I have been teaching her how to do more things.  Cleaning, cooking, etc. She will have to pitch in more and my DH has 3 weeks off this time so it should be a piece of cake. (cross your fingers) I hope everything works out for you. 

post #48 of 48

TY, that's very encouraging. I also think it's encouraging for you that the new fledgling friendship seems to be growing, yay! :) It's also nice ppl missed you from FB, very few ppl contacted me when I closed my profile.


Some of the new mom advice is familiar-- this'll be #4 for me & my DC are 19, 14, 12, so I am not the only person in the house who can get things done. (Actually DD is petitioning to be actually -hired- by us as a housekeeper/ mother's helper & get paid for doing most everything herself... hmmm, we'll see, LOL) Also DH works from home & makes his own hours except for 1 day/ week. As far as help/ preparation, I'd like to prepare more, meal-wise, but when we move later this month, we'll have little frig space & no freezer (off grid-- we had to make hard electricity decisions!), so I am collecting recipes for dry mixes, etc to make easier meals. I remember the difficult transition from 2 kiddos to 3-- I could no longer have one hand on each child when crossing the street, etc!


I suppose I am thinking more of things that female friends are specifically better at ime (no disrespect to really great guy-friends)-- emotional and social issues; like understanding the PP emotional roller coaster/ baby blues, recognizing when I may need to get out or even signs of PPD, feelings of being overwhelmed, etc. It's not like my DH is really gonna listen to exactly how much & where & how often my nipples hurt & weigh in with his experience of mastitis vs a nipple yeast infection, LOL! (although ime, a man will actually listen to any discussion involving breasts indefinitely, hehehe) My previous midwife had a similar reaction re my lack of PP support. I haven't done this in over a decade & I'm sure it'll be harder this time. For good emotional health, it's recommended a PP mom have at least one person she calls every day-- who would that be? haha.


My #4 is due in sept as well :) I hope your new friendship can stand the move-- some can & some can't.


Also, I agree that accepting the way a person is... does not necessarily mean letting them into my life in a position of influence-- esp if the influence is a negative one for my DC.

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