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Will this exclude us?

post #1 of 3
Thread Starter 
So first a little background info...

Hubby and I have been married 7 years, and have two bio boys, ages 18 mos and 4 (well almost 5) years.

We are finally moving into our new house with a ton of space, 10 acres, great neighbors, etc. We have been wanting to foster-adopt for a long time, but were in a small house.

As far as references, background checks, etc. for licensing, I'm not worried. I have had the fingerprint check done 5+ times for various things (to get in to nursing school, applying for my RN license, getting a job) and had no issues. DH is printed yearly for his job too. So no issues there.

We make good money, and I'm actually planning to cut down to 1-2 shifts per week once we start fostering. We won't have an issue with the financial end of it.

DH is amazing with our boys and kids in general, and I'm an RN with experience with critically ill children. So we have some positives in our situation.

The thing that I am REALLY worried about is the fact that DH has a daughter from a previous relationship. Her mom is a hot mess, and did everything in her power to cut DH out of his daughter's life. She finally refused to let him see her at all, or have any contact when she found out we were getting married. DSD was 3 at the time. He took her to court, and won every other weekend plus every Wednesday night visitation, and summer vacation time, etc.

We get DSD every time we are suppose to, are responsible parents, DH does the money-for-report card thing with her, etc. No matter what we do in terms of strong parenting however, she continues to have severe behavioral issues. She lies, steals, acts out, and is just in general the spitting image of her mother. We do what we can with her, but we can effect little change given that she spends the majority of her time with her mom.

Her mom also bad mouths us every chance she gets, calls CYFD with crazy allegations on a yearly basis (all investigated, and unfounded, all ended in recommendations for her to get counseling, which she never did), and just in general tries to cause drama whenever she can.

After all these years we have gotten to the point that we don't even notice any more, and have things in place to prevent her from disrupting our lives. It's not a big deal to us, it just sucks for SD because she is stuck with a crazy mom and no stability. The possibility of her living with us full time gets shot down every time we try because her mom's parents hire a shady attorney and use the argument in court that there is no reason for a change when she's doing well (despite the evidence to the contrary). For instance, they "lost" the original, notarized psych eval for both DSD and her mom, then got our attorney's copies of the documents thrown out on some documents law from 1904... Seriously. It's awful. We had to get NEW "originals" ourselves and that delayed long enough for them to have the case moved to a new judge, and on and on and on...

When she's with us she (mostly) respects our rules and we have few issues. Out of our house... That's a different story.

Will the situation with her keep us from being able to foster? We are suppose to go to the orientation meeting next week, but I don't want to get chased out of the room of this is going to be a major issue...

If they talk to her mom about us, I can only imagine what she would have to say.
post #2 of 3

Why would it keep you from fostering? (do you mean that your dh's daughter lives with her mother, or that she has behavior issues, or that the mom is crazy and badmouths you? or all of the above?)

 

the big thing with going through a homestudy whether foster or adoption is being upfront and honest...not TOO honest (that is, dont volunteer info they dont necessarily need to know) but most workers are quite used to a variety of different types of families and have probably "heard it all" so i imagine at some point in the process you will be able to speak a little bit to your situation with the ex. Dont badmouth her but just give a rundown of the facts. No big deal. They may not even want to talk with the ex. You probably would want to mention she likes to call CPS on you but that every time she does its unfounded. They just dont like surprises when they do background type stuff. It was stressed to us in foster training that if there is anything of concern just tell them, and they will do their best to get you approved, but they REALLY dont like having something pop up in a report or check and they knew nothing of it.

 

 

 

Good luck!
 

post #3 of 3

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