Namecalling and rudeness in 5-year-old

[tribord]

My newly 5-year-old DD has recently started namecalling and being rude to me, DH, and her brother.  I am pretty sure she picked it up at preschool (we don't namecall at home), and I'm not sure how to handle it.  I've told her not to do it, but that hasn't cut out the behavior.  Threats will often stop the behavior temporarily, but I really don't like to use them because I feel like they have the potential to be damaging to our relationship and don't really get to the root of the problem.

She will typically do it when frustrated or when she is not getting her way.   DS is picking up on a lot of it now as well and mimicing her.  The names themselves are mild, like "You Bad!" or "Stinky!" or "You Silly Bad Boy!" said in a mean way but clearly namecalling.  Sometimes she whispers the names because she knows she isn't supposed to namecall.  She has also started to pretend to shoot us with a gun in lieu of the namecalling.  She will say "I don't care!" in a mocking voice when we tell her things.  She also whines "It's not fair!" many times a day.  Sometimes if we talk to her or asks her a question she ignores us.  The other day she told me she was going to get bad guys to shoot me with a gun and kill me and that kind of seemed like she even shocked herself and backed down and said she was only kidding.  

I don't really have an issue with these things done in a playful way, but the way she is presenting these things is not playful, and not really in an angry/outburst kind of way either (although she has plenty of those moments, too).  Just rude/attitude.

She has never been an easy/obedient child (and at 5 still has multiple tantrums/meltdowns a day and is still hitting sometimes) but this rudeness is new and I would appreciate some GD ways to handle it. 

[Lazurii]

Maybe model for her what she really means to say and have her repeat it.  "I'm feeling angry because you won't let me have a second cookie."  Sort of a modified whining reaction.

[mary934]

I usually recomend looking at Ross Greene's cps - collaborative problem solving approach . namecalling is a behavior or at most a solution , we need to deal with the underlying  specific problem , knowing about the problem in detail - so saying she gets frustrated in not getting her way is too vague - we need specifics and detail. Then we need her input - don't mention ' name calling ' just ' I have noticed you have difficulty when or you are not so happy when ....., what's up ?  we want to get her concerns on table . The process of drilling down is not  easy, but there are plenty of life skills she is learning on the way. We want a solution that addresses her concerns so she does not have a need for name calling. 

[petitpois]

This is not easy, and I like the above comments, but I think it might also help to see it in a developmental perspective. Just as toddlers need to "test boundaries" and experiment a lot physically (which sometimes can be violent and needs to be handled with reminders to be gentle and that hitting hurts, etc), 5 year olds are also experimenting with boundaries and cause-and-effect, but much more with language. Yes, she may have picked it up at preschool, but it is a very natural and common behavior for the age. 5-6 year olds can be very mean! The example you gave where she seemed to shock even herself can be understood in this way -- she is aware of being much more verbally proficient than before, and look at all the powerful things she can do now with words!

I know it can be handled at least partially with the same type of approach as the physical boundary-pushing (and frustration-expressing) behavior of younger (or same-age) children, with reminders about how "name-calling hurts people's feelings" / "that makes me sad" / "i don't like it when..." and "even when you're angry, it's not ok call people names" / "we don't say mean things" and maybe more complex conversations about the child's own experience having her feelings hurt.

I'm thinking it might also help to give her other opportunities to challenge her creative language abilities, like fun word games or nonsense songs or even making up stories, depending on her style. Maybe if she likes that she could have "mean" characters in a story say some of the mean things she can think of (and then maybe ask how the victim feels or what s/he does? This may be too much and you don't want it to feel like a lesson and take the fun out of it, but it's another direction to consider).