Can't get over my c-sections

[lillymonster]

I am new here. I mostly stick to my local boards, but I have some issues I can't get past and am looking for help how to do that. I have a lot of jealousy and anger about my births. So I will try to make it brief.

I was induced for my first birth which ended up in a c-section. My OB told me that I would never be able to give birth vaginally to a baby unless they were under 6 pounds. My first was 8 pounds.

I spent years studying, going to ICAN meetings, learning about ways to deal with pain (I had that ice pick in the hip pain, I think I learned later that was due to baby position) When I got pregnant the second time, I hired a doula, went to midwives, studied hypnobabies, did yoga, did exercises to turn the baby, saw a chiropractor to make sure the baby was in correct position starting at 7 weeks. I studied birth plans. I even left my midwife practice at 37 weeks because they told me at 40 weeks I would be schedule for a repeat c-section no matter what (they just realized I was 40 and this was a huge risk to them) I ended up finding a new midwife practice that could take me, and I went into natural labor at 39 weeks.

So to make a long story short, I ended up with a repeat c-section. The midwife at one point asked me if I was ever in a car accident or fell off a horse, she asked during labor. I had no idea what she was getting at, but she basically said my pelvis felt like it was "crushed" at some point. She said it didn't feel normal. And no I was never in an accident or anything. My second baby was 6 pounds 6 ounces (so my first ob was right? how is that possible?)

After my c-section, my incision got infected. My OB ignored the golf ball sized lump on my incision as "scar tissue" and then when my incision broke open and weeped she said it was normal healing. I went to a wound care center for 8 months because I had a badly infected incision that would not heal.

I later found out that one of my sisters had the exact same birth experiences I did 23 years ago, except for the infection part. (oh by the way, we both had uterine ruptures, that were not from being induced) I had 2 other sisters who had easy smooth vaginal births - so fast that one was practically unassisted, and most were epidural free, and my mom mostly too, except for the c-section due to cord prelapse - I was however a vbac baby born to a mom with a vertical incision. Then I found out that my grandmother on my dad's side had 3 babies that died during birth, the 4th survived, my dad, who was born by c-section. They said it was something with her babies getting stuck (1930s, so I don't know what that means)

Anyway, so my issue is, I am so hurt and angry when I hear people talk about how they hired a doula and did this and that and "trusted their body" and they had an amazing birth. I still feel like "if only I did this" even though I know that this may very well be a genetic issue (I do have a genetic pelvic issue, but I had past OB tell me it would make no difference in my births) I have heard things like "oh well you didn't do x and that is really a better way to give birth" or "I don't think that will happen to me, I am going to do x,y and z" or "oh yeah you used those midwives, they are great but the hospital rules are probably why you had a c-section"

Sorry this is a jumble, it has reached a boiling point today and I just don't know where to start to help heal and accept it is what it is. I am not having more kids (I am 42 with a 2 year old, I don't want to have a newborn at 43 or 44) so I kind of want to put this past me.

[Kamiro]

Oh Mama. ..I don't know if I can truly help you put it behind you, but I can try and offer some of my life experience.

I have never been one that just trusts the birth process, I respect it but I do not trust it. Trust to me implies that birth is reliably the same, which it is not even in the same woman.

I have had 4 home births. 2 were traumatic in themselves, and here I sit pregnant with #5 not sure what my birthing place will be.

I am a multi generational home birther. We went into hospitals for a few births in my family, and then we went straight back home. Birth has been 'normalized' for me more so than more of my American peers.

When I started on the path to becoming a doula it just seemed normal, natural, expected even.

At my best friends vbac things changed and went as wrong as they could go. I will never forget the transport to the hospital and hearing a nurse tell another nurse that 'the baby didn't make it'. My friend did not hear it. I just looked at her and told her I loved her.

This woman ate organic, excercised, meditated, I'm telling you this woman trusted birth with the best of them even though her first wound up being an emergency c-section. She did every thing 'right'. She pushed and worked harder to get that baby out than any birth I had ever attended.

I remember her being handed her wrapped in a blanket child. I remember the months that followed. Some well meaning people in the crunchy community would make comments along the lines of 'at least the birth was vaginal'....and completely mean it. Or fall back on hippie woo that the baby went through another door...and..well...none of those things are particularily helpful, or even true.

We would kind of laugh this sad sort of laugh together when we heard these things. We knew people meant well, but reality was so different.

In my observations I have noticed that when a baby that needed a c-section doesn't make it - sympathy clouds all else (thankfully). When a c-section happens that saves a baby - blame is some how implied towards the mother as if the situation wasn't really that dire, or she was tricked, or stupid some how.

Its kind of a sick, sad, train wreck society we have.

I can't take a magic wand and make you realize from my random anecdotal story that your birth was needed and you need to somehow accept this as perfect for you..but I can tell you that thanks to a c-section you are able to pick that 2 year old baby up and give hugs and kisses. You have the option of a birth day party every year., you have a joy in your heart instead of 'woulda, coulda, shoulda'. You can love this baby and know you really did  the best you could do to get a baby earth side and you did it with success.

You are not a failure in any way, shape, or form.

You will never be able to change peoples minds on some things (and again...as you know many of us more earthy types DO have to fight against a mainstream that labels us as woowoo stupid) but you can be OK within yourself and your life circumstances..

I wish you all the best and lots of love as you heal. <3

[lillymonster]

Thank you so very much. Your words were very helpful. I was actually going to come back and delete my post, thinking no one would respond. I do believe c-sections are overused, but my mom also said to get anyone to perform a c-section on my grandmother was hard. And my father is alive because of it. I don't doubt he would have died too like his brothers and sisters did. I feel like I have to justify my c-section and prove that I didn't just agree to it because I was "stupid" or not willing to do any research.

There are times sometimes the thought of having another child cross my mind, and then I think, no no no, I would need another c-section and I don't want to go through that again. I already have a scar that is as deep as a pencil eraser tip.

It's just all this "mush" mixed in my head, and getting people who say to me "when you vbac you can't use pitocin or that will make you rupture" I was the less than one percent that rupture, and I had no reason for it, I was starting to rupture before I even had pitocin, but no one wants to believe there was no reason for it. I don't want to believe because I too believed it was only due to pitocin. But it happened.

Again thanks for responding, it made me cry it was very helpful.

[CI Mama]

I am glad that you shared your story & didn't delete it. You are not alone in struggling with processing your c-sections.

You might find joining this group helpful:

http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/25/unplanned-c-section-after-long-labor-support-group

It was started by some of us who had very long, difficult labors that ended in unplanned c-section, but whether or not that fits your experience, if you think it would be helpful to join the group, please do. You can read the threads whether you join or not; joining allows you to post as well.

Many of us have struggled to reconcile our own experiences with the platitudes about "trusting your body," etc.

The way I think about it is that first we birth our babies, and then we birth our stories. When the physical birth is hard, birthing the story can be hard, too, especially if it doesn't match the story that we thought it should have been. It can be so helpful to hear other stories, to listen, and to help each other make a different kind of sense from our experiences.

I'm also in my early 40s and not planning to have more kids. And birthing my story has been a long, slow process. I can really relate to your desire to put this stuff behind you. My daughter is 4 years old, and I feel very thoroughly "processed" about the whole thing. Finally!

I wish you well on your journey, mama, and I hope you join our group!

[Kamiro]

Lots of support here for you, LM.

Glad you didn't delete.

The way I think about it is that first we birth our babies, and then we birth our stories.

Right on.

[lillymonster]

Thanks for the link, just one post caught my eye and I am saying YES!! what I am dealing with exactly!!  It's scary to make this step, I know I want to get over it and stop thinking about it and stop being angry at what others say, but I don't want to deal with it either. Thank you all this is what I was looking for.