AP and haven't left my 9-month-old yet: are we too attached?

[alexa308]

I am a stay-at-home mama and have been attachment parenting from the start. So, naturally my DD and I are very attached. I've felt good about our attachment and proud of the way my husband and I have chosen to raise our little one all along. But, I recently saw a random thread on a doula's Facebook page about leaving your baby for the first time. The doula had posed the question "how old was your baby when you first left him/her?" As I read through the responses I started to feel very anxious. I felt anxious because my DD is 9-months-old and I have yet to leave her. And when I say "leave her," I mean truly leave like for a whole day or large chunk of time. I take breaks and hand her off to my hubby regularly, and have gone on very short trips (literally down the road) to go to the post office, vote or take a quick walk/run. But, I still do not feel ready to leave for hours, and definitely not at night because we co-sleep and DD has always had extreme anxiety about sleeping alone. I co-sleep with her for naps (or my husband does) and go to bed with her at night (which also helps me get some much needed rest). DD is also highly attached to my breast and wants to nurse herself to sleep throughout the night. (So, my husband and I find other times of day to spend time together)

The responses I saw on the FB thread were saying they left their babies at 1 month, 3 months, etc. and there was no way I was leaving my baby back then. But, those responses made me question myself (hate that!!) I have simply been following my baby's lead and my strong instincts all along. Overall, I've been growing more comfortable with child's independence as she has naturally become more independent over time. We both independently (and happily) do our own thing in the same room for the portion of the day that I am not wearing her, co-sleeping during naps or attending to her needs (i.e. bathing, feeding, nursing). So, I don't feel like either of us is smothering the other at all. It's just impossible to not be very closely bonded while attachment parenting and being a stay-at-home mama.

My point is: is it really that crazy that I haven't left my baby yet at 9-months? 

[FaithHopeLove29]

From the way you've worded your post, I think you know you're not crazy :) If it feels right for your family, it probably is! It wouldn't work for me, but it sounds like you are very happy with how you're doing things.

[frioct3]

My husband and I just bought tickets to a show and I will be leaving my son for the first time. He will be just over 9 months at the time. I am sad, nervous and excited to leave him all at the same time!

[crayfishgirl]

I work outside the home and had to return to work when they were ~9 weeks, but my husband stays home with our two children.  My daughter (now almost four) was 15 months before we left her in the care of someone else other than him or me.  It was for a wedding reception, and we were gone ~3 hours tops.  It was another 15 months before we went out child-free again.  Whatever works for you and your family!
 

[Sol_y_Paz]

I don't understand the rush.  I like hanging out with my baby.  Babies don't keep.  There is a whole lifetime ahead of trips away wuth friends/family, college/moving out, etc.  There is no rule saying a baby needs x amount of time away from their own mom by x age.  No worries.  

[Laurucha]

If you don't use bottles, leaving your baby isn't an option until they are getting significant nutrition from solids, which should be after they are one year old. I believe that in an ideal world, babies would not be separated from their mothers until after one year. My six-month-old is exclusively breastfed, so we are not apart for long. Yeah, it would be nice to have a break, but pumps and bottles seem like such a hassle, and he is not going to be a baby for that long.

Babies are not supposed to be independent!

[butterfly_mommy]

My daughter is almost 9 mons and the longest I have left her was last week on Valentines day for 3hours. DH and I had a parent teacher interview at my sons school and then we went for dinner at a restaurant on the corner of our street. I could have gotten home in 5-15mins if I needed too. She was with my mom and my mom is very responsive to her. When I got home Mom was wearing her in the ring sling and she had just woken up form a late nap :) Before that I had left her with my sister for an hour or so a few times (my sister wore her) and with DH a few times. It was about the same with my son. 

My son was 18 mons when DH started putting him to sleep when I went out and I started to volunteer twice a month. DS was about 2ish when DH and I left him with family in the evening and he was 4 before he had a sleep over with my sister and then my mom. He is very confident and independent and has overnights with my mom or sister and is perfect fine :) Oh and he has never had a difficult separation from me when going to preschool or kindergarten.

Do what feels right mama :)

[alexa308]

Thank you, thank you, thank you, ladies! This was so helpful! I'm glad I posted:) Have fun on your big night out, frioct3! I totally know what you mean about the mixed emotions!

I am with you all about not being in a rush to leave my baby. I appreciate our attachment and all the time we spend together now because I know it won't always be like this. I love being with her! I mean, I had a child for a reason. And I know soon enough she will be off at school or more focused on spending time with friends and going out into the world. This time feels so short and sacred, which is why I feel confused by anyone trying to "talk me out of it." Also, yes, I have been exclusively breastfeeding DD from the beginning so leaving her has not been an option. People don't get that and it's sometimes frustrating because we have a lot of family and friends who have hounded us to get our child on the bottle. It was such a big deal to people during her newborn months that we do that before it was "too late." But, the bottle never felt right to me. BF-ing is a huge part of why I've never felt comfortable leaving DD. 

Anyways, it's so nice to hear other perspectives and to know that I am not the only one who is taking my time with this. It would probably be a bit different if we lived closer to family and/or our family actually respected our choice to attachment parent (i.e. be willing to wear her and not let her cry). 

[MichelleZB]

By "leave your baby", the people who posted they'd left their baby at 1 month probably meant they left them like you did... for half an hour as they ran to the store, or took a bath, or something. It's not possible to leave your 1-month-old for a whole day, is it? How would one go about doing that?

My son is 14 months, and the longest I leave him is when I go to work. Because of my work schedule, I am lucky enough to be able to drive to his home daycare at lunch to nurse him. So I've never left him for longer than 4 hours straight.

My husband and I are going to go to a fancy dinner/dance next week that starts at 6 and ends at midnight, so that'll be 6 hours in the evening, through his bedtime. I decided that was too much, so we're getting a hotel room in the hotel where the dinner is and bringing the baby. I'll be able to settle him and the babysitter there, then pop back here and there during the dinner, and also nurse him to sleep at about 10 or so (his bedtime).

I think you're find a lot of people on here who haven't "left" their babies the way you define it--for a whole day or overnight. I've definitely left him with dad as I did errands, or with a babysitter while I work for a few hours.

[Zirconia]

What great advice here!  You seem very attuned to your baby's needs (and your own), and it sounds like you're doing just fine!

I did want to add, since my baby is a few months older than yours, that somewhere around 9-12 months (how's that for specific?) I started getting the feeling that it would be GOOD for my baby to spend small chunks of time with other loving caregivers.  When I saw her practically doing backflips when her grandparents came in the door, I realized that she - and they - would LOVE to spend a few hours together, and that it would be good for everybody.  She had also started solid foods, and she no longer had to nurse on such a tight schedule. We nurse and cosleep too, but she also got old enough to flex naptimes a little without turning into a pumpkin.

We started with grandparents coming over, maybe 2 hours at a time.  Sometimes I go out, sometimes I don't.  Sometimes they come over and give her dinner and a bath - DD loves having them be a part of her evening routine.  Very occasionally now, DH and I go out to dinner and dare ourselves not to talk about the baby (we fail miserably).  Just after her first birthday, they took her on a short outing, which made me nervous as all get-out but went great.  They've since done it again - took her to a local indoor play space for an hour or so - and they all had a ball.

Now, at 13 months, I'm starting to take her to the YMCA child care and the church nursery.  That's not going as smoothly, but we're taking it very, very slowly (like, 30 minutes or less), and I'm so proud of my "little big girl" for bravely expanding her horizons.  I'm proud of myself, too, for deciding to take better care of myself - it's way past time.

My point is, you will know when that time is right.  It's different for every baby, and for every mama.  In fact, I don't think you have to figure it out, you just have to notice and respond.  But, I would suggest that for me, it's much harder on me than it is on her, and I probably could have done it sooner!

Edited by Zirconia - 2/26/13 at 8:56am

[sageowl]

I saw, why leave if you don't have to?  I say, don't, unless it's really necessary.  Some people think kids need practice, but if your life is such that you don't have to do required separations (working outside the home), there's no need for that until they're getting closer to school age (if you know you aren't going to be homeschooling).  I always hated being away from my baby...now that the baby is 3, I still prefer to just take him along with me, rather than leave him with someone else (unless absolutely necessary).

[skycheattraffic]

I left DD when she was very little (a few weeks) BUT she was still not nursing at that point (I was EPing at the time and transitioned to EBF around 10 weeks). DH had a big health scare when DD was 3 days old, we were constantly running to specialists and desperately needed to unwind. I took my breast pump, pumped lots and was grateful to have a breather and reconnect with DH in a relaxing setting. She was with my mom overnight and we went to a hotel to rest and relax. Since that time, I haven't left her for more than 2 hours and she's 23 months now. I wouldn't have left her if she was sensitive/high needs and nursing or if we didnt have that very scary episode with DH. I think it's wonderful that you haven't had to leave your LO. Don't worry, you both will find a rhythm to have a little more space as time goes by.