100% custody= very little social time

[Corinnees]

I'm a single mom of a 6 year old boy.  I have my son 100% of the time because his father lives out of state.

 

It's actually good that his dad isn't around, and I'm extremely grateful that I don't have to co-parent with an ex... but I can't help but feel envious of other single moms who get every other weekend to themselves, or every weekend, or every other week... etc...

 

I work full time, and my mother watches my son for about half an hour each day.  My mom is retired and doesn't do much of anything outside of her house.  My father passed away two years before my son was born, so she lives alone.

 

My mom doesn't seem to understand that I get literally *no* alone time.  I am always either at work, or with my son.  My mom will babysit about one Saturday evening a month with no complaints.  

 

Ideally I'd love to go out once a week.  I don't drink, but I do enjoy going to the bar with my friends... or movies... or dinner... or heaven forbid... a DATE!  The only way I've been able to date is through the internet, and even that is tough because if I meet one guy this month and it doesn't work out, it'll be another month before I can give it another attempt.  And if it DID work out, I can't imagine how I could date on a regular basis due to my lack of "me time". 

 

My mom loves my son and doesn't mind watching him, so I really feel like her reluctance to babysit is because she has decided how often I NEED to go out, and once a month is enough, in her opinion.  And I do think this is where most of my frustration comes from... I just wish I could get her to understand how little I interact with adults (without kids around) or how little I'm just by myself!  She was a stay-at-home mom, so if anything, she was overwhelmed with alone time while my sister and I were at school and my dad worked.  

 

I've tried explaining my point of view to her, but nothing seems to work... so I guess I'm posting here to try to figure out if anyone else has struggled with this type of situation, and what they did to overcome these obstacles.  Or maybe I just need to be told that once a month really IS about average for a single mom to go out... and then I can just let the issue go.

 

 

 

[rubelin]

I'm not a solo mom, so can't relate, but I have relied a lot on my family for child care and it's really hard. If I didn't have a co-parent that the kids were with some of the time, I would make sure to have regular babysitters/co-ops/playdates set up so I didn't have to rely on my family exclusively. Moms you can swap with, or even a teen to come in once or twice a week are invaluable.

[Corinnees]

I do have a neighbor that is willing to babysit... and the only reason I don't take her up on it often is because money is tight.  So an evening out that I'd normally spend 20 bucks on suddenly gets to 50 bucks because I have to pay the sitter.  However, I know, logically, that I could do that once a month, have my mom babysit once a month, and be okay... I think I'm just hung up on the lack of sympathy/understanding my mom has for my situation.

Which is weird since I've never been one to seek out sympathy.

[Springshowers]

I had two kids close together, and the first time in TWO YEARS that I went out alone was such a huge relief. I get it!

Maybe see if you can find another mom to trade off visits with? That way it is free.

[anon_abroad]

I really understand and AGREE that you should get out at least once every 2 weeks without your son. it's important to have an 'adult' life too (not sexually, I mean just to be a person in your own right that doesn't necessarily involve motherhood). I agree with Rubelin, either swap favours with another mum or pay a trusted babysitter, it's WORTH it, even if it means having not a lot of spending money on your night out.

Other ideas:

- have people over to your house (I mean friends, not love interests obviously) any time, day or evening, you can put your son to bed even while your friends are over, if they're not formal. In warm months barbecues are always great for everybody, adults and kids;

- choose daytime things to do with friends that are also ok for kids, but no necessarily kid-oriented, like meet for coffee and your son can have hot chocolate and draw, or something like that;

- to events, exhibits, etc.. with your son in general (I'm not saying you don't already do this, I'm just brainstorming) even where you might not necessarily know anyone, but can mingle with other people/families. I started doing this with my kids over the past year A LOT more often, and find it to be one of the best ways for me to get out there and still take care of my kids.

Hugs to you!

P.S. if you need to spend money on a sitter and have very little money left over for your night out you could try organising the evening by suggesting something that is not very costly, like a free event and then a drink/dessert or whatever...

[provocativa]

All these ideas are good, but easier said than done.  
 

[anon_abroad]

Well, they say, the only difference between saying and doing...is doing.
 

[provocativa]

I didn't get to finish my reply because kiddos came in with a scraped knee....Well, I am right there with you, only I don't have a mom to watch my kids at all.  My dad or brother will do it sometimes if I have a big need- like yesterday I had a funeral to go to- but I could not go to the wake afterwards because keeping them for an hour and a half was enough of a burden.  They will cover something like that for me maybe once every 4 months.  Maybe.  My ex watches them Monday night and Friday night when I work.  I have zero free time, and NO money to spend on a babysitter.  It is frustrating.  And I have wracked my brain for a mama who would trade childcare with me.  Many of my single mom friends seem to have supportive families who help out with a night out, or exes who take the kiddos every other weekend, or an older sibling who can babysit the younger.  My youngest child, though 6, still is wild in public, and the stress of taking her anywhere, like a coffeehouse to meet a friend, really negates the good feelings that time out would provide.

My solution is that I am going to start a FB group for single moms from my scene- the alternative or punk scene in my town for 20 plus years- and see if that can generate some support. 
 

[mamatoabirdie]

I agree with all of these ideas!  there are tons of single moms out there in the same boat, OP, so don't be too shy when asking around to see if you can form some sort of "co-op."  I'm a single mama of two and although my parents DO help out, it's not enough to give me free time.  your son is now old enough to attend sleepovers and host them, which is a GREAT way to start forming a sort of "swap" with school and neighborhood friends.  lots of my married friends are in the same boat as my single mom friends - they would love a date night together, but have no family around.  it's easy to start "swapping" slumber parties once a month.  it's a great way to get the whole night free and as long as you trust the parents, it's good for your kiddo.  I also TOTALLY agree with having friends over.  that's saved my butt over and over and over and my house has become a sort of crash pad for friends (childless, many children, married, single, whatever) and honestly it makes life so much better.  host dinner parties for your girlfriends or movie night or game night.  you really do have to get creative but it's totally possible to live an active social life with 100% custody.  

this is so poorly written lol, I'm super sleepy.  but you get the gist!  I know it's super hard and sometimes ALL I WANT TO DO IN LIFE is sit at a coffee shop and read a book ALONE.  but, you know, they're not young forever.  we'll get our break one day :)

oh gosh and I totally forgot to add that one of my best "babysitters" is a good friend of mine who is a single dad.  lots of single dads nowadays are getting 50% custody and needed some space, too.  don't count out your single dad friends!  

[mamatoabirdie]

btw by "crash pad" I didn't mean that people just sleep over all the time and my children wake up to a bunch of hungover adults.  I just meant that I am a really social person and have opened my house up to my friends and they know they are always welcome, so I often have visitors (none of whom spend the night, save for my best friend).

[provocativa]

I don't know how your son works, but my kids will not let me have social time with adults in my home.  They interrupt constantly, demanding attention.  They wrestle the other adults.  They would never go to bed with anyone here.  My youngest can flat out NOT behave in public for long.  There are tons of events I would love to attend that are just too stressful.

Constant slumber parties sound like an opening for sexual abuse.  In my support group, there are two kids whose kids were sexually abused by family friends at slumber parties and hangouts that happened often or rotated as you said. 
 

[onelittlebird]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

Constant slumber parties sound like an opening for sexual abuse.  In my support group, there are two kids whose kids were sexually abused by family friends at slumber parties and hangouts that happened often or rotated as you said. 
 

Good heavens, I don't think "once a month" is constant. I'm very sorry for the experiences of the kids in your support group, but the way you've written this makes it sound like you're shaming a mama for wanting to take some time off and trusting another parent.

[provocativa]

It is just how it happened for those families.  I am not shaming her- I am in the same boat.  I am warning her, that even as she is formulating plans for a way to get some much-needed alone time, to please consider that predators seek out vulnerable children, particularly ones without a solid authority figure.  It's in all the literature about sexual abuse.  It's also not always about the other parents...I know of two instances when it was an adolescent who raped the other children.  The parents were trustworthy, but one doesn't usually check in on a 7 year old every 5 minutes and etc. 

[hillymum]

I was abused sexually by my eldest brother, I am good friends with a guy who's cousin abused him but I do not let that stop my children from enjoying sleepovers. I've talked to them bout what others are allowed to do and what is a red flag and no matter what they need to tell me about. It's all about educating your child and keeping communication open with them. 

My 8 yr old will not do a sleep over just because he prefers to sleep at home, but play dates are a great way for me to get a break from him.

[provocativa]

Right, there is sexual abuse in our family as well, hence the support group.  Enjoying sleepovers is different than having regularly scheduled, ongoing events where an abuser knows he will have access in the future, and can begin grooming the kids to see who responds to manipulative tactics, choose a victim, and then begin manuvers to gain physical access.  Two of the moms in the group have kiddos that were raped by other kids who were young adolescents- in exactly this same situation.

Fact:  abusers look for vulnerable kids.  They see kids of single mothers as being vulnerable, because we are.  We need time and space from our kids!
 

[SimonMom]

Originally Posted by provocativa 

Right, there is sexual abuse in our family as well, hence the support group.  Enjoying sleepovers is different than having regularly scheduled, ongoing events where an abuser knows he will have access in the future, and can begin grooming the kids to see who responds to manipulative tactics, choose a victim, and then begin manuvers to gain physical access.  Two of the moms in the group have kiddos that were raped by other kids who were young adolescents- in exactly this same situation.

Fact:  abusers look for vulnerable kids.  They see kids of single mothers as being vulnerable, because we are.  We need time and space from our kids!
 

well i choose not to live in a world constantly fearing some imagined predator. i personally think sleepovers with family friends are a great idea. i had so many sleepovers as a child, and not once did anything bad happen. 

and wtf..maybe you and your kids are vulnerable b/c you're a single mom. but do not assume that for the rest of us. 

[onelittlebird]

Well said, SimonMom. Part of being a single mum, for me, is no longer living in fear!

[provocativa]

Just sharing what we have studied in the support group.  Predators look for any opening they can get, and they consider single moms to be vulnerable because of their perceived need for childcare and a lack of a fatherly role model for the child (not always true, but THEY consider it thus).  This info is in books about child predators, and in interviews with them. 

I never said all sleepovers were a bad idea...but I do think that regularly scheduled ones are more risky.  Predators need time to choose and groom their victims...regularly scheduled alone time with their victims is an opening for that.  Better to be safe than sorry, and consider safety when you are planning your sleepovers- one way is to rotate, and not always have the sleepovers with the same people, or in the same place. 
 

[mamatoabirdie]

Provocativa, I'm not sure if your comment was directed at me or not but I can definitely see where you are coming from. For what it's worth, I really do trust the family friends that my dd spends the night with. I had kind of a lonely childhood, as my mom and dad were somewhat neglectful, and I didn't get to do "normal" fun kid things like sleepover parties. So I really enjoy that my kiddo gets to do those things. We switch off every month and when my friends' dd is here, we have a blast watching movies and baking cookies and playing games. I do appreciate your information, though

[provocativa]

Just directed at the general vitriol, which I think is completely unfounded and ridiculous.  Abusers always try to win trust, it's one of the ways they work, and a mom like the OP who is desperate for time away from kids will send bells off to an abuser.  To not think of that, or, like here, to try to shame me into silence because my family has been victimized...that's just b.s.   There is a difference between examining all the factors and making an informed decision, and living in fear- which I never said I do.