Is this PPD?

[SneezeDragon]

Hi, all. A few questions for those who are more familiar with this than I am.

I had my first child in January, a normal delivery (but for retained placenta removed two months postpartum). I had prenatal depression (treated with Effexor), and I did experience a bit of the baby blues for the first week postpartum, but my mood otherwise has been pretty good. Then I returned to work.

On workday mornings, I feel a little down in the dumps. Once I go to pump breastmilk, the rest of the day is pretty much shot for productivity. I stare at the computer screen and find it impossible to make myself work. I feel weepy, frustrated, distracted, or like someone has just scooped my guts out.

I'm also unable to go to bed at a reasonable hour, despite the fact that my son falls asleep around 9pm and sleeps through the night. I feel sort of restless, even though I'm tired. I can get to sleep just fine when I try, but I end up "putting off" sleep.

My son has been very happy in daycare. He absolutely loves it there. I have great confidence in the place we've chosen. Why, then, if my baby is so happy, am I so miserable?

I've tried to talk to my husband about this, but he doesn't respond to talk of it, or he just clams up. So I've taken to pretending that everything's okay, both with colleages (all male) and my husband. It just doesn't seem like anyone really understands. I've talked to my closest friends about it, but they live 120 miles away, and they don't have children. I'm estranged from my own mother. I don't know any new mothers who have been through this.

I want to be with my baby so badly I can't stand it, but we just can't financially afford for me not to work.

Are these normal feelings, when you're suddenly separated from your baby in this way? Is it considered PPD? I'm not quite sure if I should just "let time heal the wound," or what. I'm still on a low dose of the Effexor, but that's not doing anything. I took the PPD test posted here, but I only came back as a 47.

Any advice or opinions are welcome. Sorry so long, and thanks for taking the time to read!

[Oh the Irony]

to you. I'm not sure--I think the weepiness and inability to concentrate sounds like PPD.

Worth talking about with your doc and maybe raising your medication dosage. Or maybe talking to someone about being conflicted would help... Get some help so this doesn't drag out.

[VikingKvinna]

I'm not certain, either, if what you're experiencing is PPD or not. But regardless, it does sound like you need some Mama friends...with your friends so far away, and no mother in your life, and having all those men around you who just can't understand the hormonal pulls and urges no matter how hard they want to, I bet you're feeling pretty isolated.

I was in a similar situation. My closest friends are across the country, and my local friends have all drifted away since the birth of my baby.

But I've joined a local AP playgroup and, even though we're not particularly close friends, I do have some women in my life who can understand the emotions I'm experiencing these days. It's so wonderful to get out once in a while and be able to just chat about having children, and the annoying things our partners do and the even-more annoying things that well-meaning but clueless relatives say.

Check out the "Finding Your Tribe" board here on MDC, as a start, or look locally for groups that might meet in your area. It might be tough to get together IRL since you work, but you could make some connections on-line, which might be better than nothing. And keep posting here (on all the boards!) -- it's a great group of warm, supportive women, I've found.

Best wishes!
~nick