I think you've come a long way in this thread. You are really exploring what is making you so scared. Good for you!
What I'm hearing is that you are scared because:
1) All of a sudden you find out that you have a surprise pregnancy.
2) Not only are you pregnant, but your vice of drinking heavily has finally had a potential consequence
3) You aren't sure if you are ready to be a mom
Is that right? If so, here a few things to think about on each issue:
1) It's okay to be surprised and scared. Sometimes life feels out of control. We've all been there. At some point the surprise and "freaked out" feeling will go away. 50% of pregnancies are surprises. I personally think that God created our lives so we aren't in total control. That way we know that there's a power bigger than us.
2) Your surprise is filled with terror as you think of all the selfish things you've done not knowing you were pregnant. No wonder you are terrorized by this. That's a natural feeling too. What if your baby is delayed in some way? Not something that a first time mom knows how to deal with. It's also exaggerated by your anxiety. Then your Dr chooses his words the worst way possible. Oy, it's the perfect storm! Know that so many women here have had severe binges before they knew they were pregnant. You are not alone in this.
3) When you get a baby before having the chance to process if you even want to try, it can make you step back and think. You didn't have time to be ready. It's okay. So many new moms feel scared.
So I hear when you say that you ABSOLUTELY crave control. You are freaked out! You feel stuck in this pregnancy thinking of all the horrible outcomes.
Maybe we should explore your worst fear. Let's assume your baby is formed with severe developmental delays. Is you life over? For a first time mom, it would probably feel that way. You've never raised a kid, and now you have one that is way more work. What are your options? 1) If you are totally overwhelmed you can give the baby up for adoption. No one would judge you for choosing the best for your child. You can tell everyone that your anxiety is such that you cannot handle this. 2) You learn as you go. At first your baby will want to eat, sleep, and be held. His/her needs will be pretty basic just like all other babies at first. As you would find out more about the delays you would educate yourself and put him in the therapy that he needs.
I think your baby will be fine! But I just wanted to take you there so you can see what your options are if the worst happens. Maybe facing your fears has helped?