Where to from here?

[onelittlebird]

OK, deep breath, and here I go.

I'm a single parent now. My husband has just left after four and a half years together. I don't know what to do now.

He's always been the primary earner and since my son's birth in 2010, I've been a stay at home mother. We are (were) renting a house at the very top of our affordability bracket. Now that he's gone I'm going to have to move into my son's room and rent out our old room to a stranger, just to have enough money to keep a roof over our heads. Soon I'll be eligible for ss, but not anywhere near enough to cover it. And I can't move somewhere more modest for us to live alone, because as a single mother with no employment and expired qualifications, I won't be approved for a property.

I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I just hate that he did this to us and I'm really, really hurting.

[rubelin]

Hugs momma.

I know you're just seeing the scariest worst case scenarios but it won't be all doom & gloom. You're entitled to child support and possibly spousal support for at least a little while, to get back on your feet. It sucks and it's painful and you need to grieve, but you can get through this and you will be stronger and happier than you ever thought you could be.

[onelittlebird]

Thanks rubelin. I just re-read what I wrote and it sounds horrible and petty to fixate on the financial implications like that, it's just that it's so scary and unknown. I feel like the floor has just collapsed under my feet.

[katelove]

Originally Posted by onelittlebird 

Thanks rubelin. I just re-read what I wrote and it sounds horrible and petty to fixate on the financial implications like that, it's just that it's so scary and unknown. I feel like the floor has just collapsed under my feet.

It doesn't sound horrible and petty. It sounds sensible and practical. You are thinking about how you are going to care for yourself and your son in changing circumstances. Everyone needs a financial plan of some sort. Good on you for making a new plan, I say.

[onelittlebird]

I also have a thirteen year old daughter from a previous marriage. She's at such an emotionally vulnerable stage, and this has just left her feeling rejected by a role model... ugh.

[rubelin]

it's no horrible and petty, it's just where our minds go when we're scared. I was only reminding you that there's some good to come =)

a plan is very good, but make sure you have all the facts, especially the ones in your favor.

[onelittlebird]

See, that's what I mean when I say I don't know where to from here. What do you mean by all the facts? Do you mean the reason for the split, behaviour since then, that sort of thing?

[rubelin]

just find the child support calculator for your state and see what it says you're entitled to financially. That gives you a starting place for figuring out how much you can afford.

Also, get some consultations with lawyers to find out what the norm for custody, etc is in your area. Often a consultation is free. You can also Google family lawyers in your area and see if they have frequently asked questions to give you a starting point. If your ex hasn't filed for divorce, you need to get to get an order from the court for immediate custody and financial support so that you & your child can have food and housing.

[provocativa]

Yes, to second what Rubelin said, usually as soon as you file, they will send you to mediation or order a temporary order of support and time-sharing with the kiddos.  Mine was much more generous than child support, and enabled us to live in our house for a year, while we worked on the kid's trauma issues and got our footing.  Then I found a job and moved. 

As for credentials, well, I am a waitress/bartender/barista with an honors college degree.  Focus on the first steps, cs calculator, lawyer, and filing for divorce.  A call to Legal Aid would be good as well.  And then look for a job.  Any job that will make you seem stable and responsible to the court.  In some places, the courts would frown on taking in a boarder.  You should consider the fact that you will probably have to move eventually. 
 

[onelittlebird]

Thanks both of you. I'm in Australia so the situation legally is slightly different, but you offer good suggestions. I have met with Legal Aid and they can't take any steps before six weeks' separation (because so many couples reconcile), they have recommended mediation but my ex is refusing. As for getting a job, that's really not on the cards at the moment as my son has special needs and I'm home with him, also he is scheduled for surgery in two months and that will require a lot of intensive rehab.

Without a boarder to help with rent there's no way I can cover it. I have proposed to my ex that he continues to pay rent for another two months to give the kids and I a safety net while I sort something out, but he laughed in my face. With Legal Aid's hands tied, I can't see any other way out. Our lease is up in October and I know we'll have to move by then, but I can't see a lot of options.