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Alright, so maybe I'm the one being irrational.. (long) - Page 2

post #21 of 54
Sorry, I wouldn't allow my son to be J2 now for anything. He needs a special name of his own.
post #22 of 54
I think there are some good thoughts above.

Could part of your focus on the whole situation be in not mourning your loss over the name (and what you wanted for yourself and your family.) Like, spending some time feeling sorry for yourself about it until you can toss that aside and find some good in the other chosen name? And just cast off your bil's part in this as being a controlling nut?
I'm just feeling that, in many major life disappointments, I've come out better making sure I take time to feel for myself in such a way-- and I'll end up understanding myself better. Which is what really matters.
It sounds unlikely your bil will apologize or feel sorry about his part in this, which sucks because it seems pretty .. Unfair and selfish of him at a time when it might have been better to be giving and kind. And not having that sympathy might be prolonging the pain and disappointment.
post #23 of 54
Quote:
In case you missed it in the original post, BIL was well aware of our name choice. He was told of the name 6 weeks before his own son was born and named.

Yes; sorry, my wording was ambiguous. They didn't know you were considering the name at the time they were considering it. They decided they liked it enough to include it on their shortlist, all on their own. Right? Afterwards, sure, BIL did, but that doesn't mean he "copied", just that he chose the same name - one of their favourite few. And SIL obviously wasn't copying. I guess it's possible your BIL insisted on that name purely to spite you, which would be... peculiar... and if he's as immature as you say, it's possible. But that's not really a copying issue, it's a pettiness issue... or something.

 

I'm sorry he acted like that; he sounds like a damaged and unpleasant individual.

 

How does the rest of the (immediate) family feel about this? What would the kids say if you changed the baby's name? Your DH?

 

I knew a couple once - very controlling husband, submissive wife - and they had, oh, 8 or 9 kids. When number 9(ish) was born, the husband really liked a certain name, and the wife didn't. So naturally, he went behind her back, told all the other kids the baby was named N--, told all the friends and family etc, until the cards started arriving for baby N-- and it was effectively too late. She accepted it, but I was livid. Names can bring up all sorts of emotional weirdness, apparently - I guess that ancient "naming is power" thing hasn't entirely disappeared!

post #24 of 54

Basically I think you need to do one of the following things and get over it.

 

Name your son the name you liked originally and don't worry about BIL saying he is J2.  So what if he says it? It doesn't make your ds less special.

 

Make the name you loved your ds's middle name and let him decide when he is older which name he wants to go by.

 

Come to terms with the name you have been using for your ds and find ways to love it.

 

Choose an entirely different name- something with absolutely no negative associations.

post #25 of 54

Am I the only one that would have called up the whole family after finding out that the name you PICKED was on a short LIST and told everyone that we were having a boy named Fred??  Because that's totally what I would have done.  Maybe I'm just a jerk :)

 

I would say it's been a year,  it's time to just let it go.  

post #26 of 54

BIL sounds like a dick, but you are letting it drive you nuts. It's not worth getting hung up on his bad behavior; he's not going to change. It sounds to me like you need to make peace with your own decision. Take one of the options in post 24 and then decide you will let go your hurt feelings. 

 

My uncle's cousin has the same name as him. Their aunt asked permission and my grandparents oked it, so different scenario. He was called E2 when family got together (not more than once a year) but I think everyone just thought it was funny. How much do you see this family anyway? Think about what% of your son's life he will spend NOT around his cousin and just being J, not J2.  

post #27 of 54

I vote for use it as his middle name and then later if he wants to use it as the name he's called he can. Use two middle names if you have another middle name you want to use, too.

 

I have known several kids who have decided to go by their middle names. I know you said that you think of the J name as fitting him better, but HE may not feel that way when he's older. If you use it as a middle name you are giving him the option, but not throwing it in BIL's face (who sounds like quite a piece of work). 

 

My dds really identify with their first names, but they each have friends who have chosen to go by their middle names because they identify more with those. Your son's name is really about him and not you, and certainly not your BIL. Your son may decide that he wants to change his name to Aloyisious or Dweezil when he's older — who knows! If you include the J name as a middle name you make it easier for him if he might feel that call and you can always call him by two names, too. 

post #28 of 54

I am constantly amazed at the drama Americans raise over baby names. Your kid will not suffer if another child has the same name. You don't "own" a baby name because you chose it for your child. Is it really worth causing family discord over a baby name?

post #29 of 54

Ugh.  OP,  I just want to say your feelings of resentment and bitterness are completely understandable.

 

You're right, it can't translate in writing how this would have affected your family, shit-hitting-the-fan wise.  We don't know the nuances.  But you know how to end the family drama tug of war?  You drop your end of the rope. That's not minimizing your resentment and anger, it's just realizing and accepting that your bil is a colossal dick, always will be, but his opinion should have no bearing on your decision-making.

 

Talk to your dh about it and consider changing your son's name to J.  It's definitely notable, but I don't think it's odd, even a year later. 

 

Agreed, I don't get the proprietary-ness of baby names.  But I do get how vitally important it is for the name to feel right.  I think naming their child is one of the distinct honors, pleasures and privileges parents get and I would be very unhappy being forced to forgo it.

post #30 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

I am constantly amazed at the drama Americans raise over baby names. Your kid will not suffer if another child has the same name. You don't "own" a baby name because you chose it for your child. Is it really worth causing family discord over a baby name?


My sister named her son after my stillborn one... and I had asked her not to. I'm not speaking to her. Almost 20 years later, it hurts a lot that she had the gall to do that.... knowing it stabs me in the heart.
post #31 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by philomom View Post


My sister named her son after my stillborn one... and I had asked her not to. I'm not speaking to her. Almost 20 years later, it hurts a lot that she had the gall to do that.... knowing it stabs me in the heart.

That is really crappy that she did that, but you have to admit, that's a pretty extreme example of a family member using the name of another family member's child. Naming the same as a living child is a whole different kettle of fish. 

post #32 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by choli View Post

I am constantly amazed at the drama Americans raise over baby names. Your kid will not suffer if another child has the same name.  You don't "own" a baby name because you chose it for your child.  She told her BIL she didn't object to their children having the same name, so no name owning there.  Is it really worth causing family discord over a baby name?  The OP is now at this point precisely because she was trying to avoid family discord.

 

 

You're referring to the OP's bil, right?  Because I don't think the OP would argue with anything you said. 

post #33 of 54

Do you still like the J name - do you think it fits your son?

post #34 of 54
Thread Starter 

Thank you very much for all the support, words of kindness and ideas! I appreciate it more than words than express right now.

 

Some of you hit the nail on the head - The person I am most probably angry at the most is myself. I gave in to keep the peace and sometimes it's simply not worth it; because here I am almost a year later, unable to hand in my son's form with a name because I know it's decision I will regret. For those that asked, DH did not care if we angered BIL and named our son what we had originally intended to. He was completely ready to face the proverbial hitting the fan. I guess I valued the relationship between the both of them much more than they valued it themselves. As I mentioned earlier, I have seen families dissolve over the most trivial of things and I guess one could say I was determined to not let that happen, hence why I had retreated and accepted BIL's outrageous demands.

 

As for the name. The J name DOES suit him. The name he currently has might suit him as he ages, but for now it doesn't. Like Philomom said, I think his own new special name is probably the best path to take. I think I'll give him a new name entirely and if family finds it odd, I really am not fussed. You ladies are right - What we name him is our own business.

The boys are already compared in everything by family (milestones, sleeping habits and eating habits) and I think changing the name over to J now would cause more "competition" so to say. Knowing BIL, he would feel challenged to make his DS stand out from his cousin at every stage of his life. He has a need to always feel like he is ahead of the game and it has crossed over to his parenting skills and the capabilities of his offspring. I'm not a competitive parent - Every child sleeps/eats/reaches milestones when they are ready.. So this type of relationship would be stressful to me. The boys see eachother regularly too (on a weekly basis).

 

Well, I'd better get cracking! We need to decide on a brand new name for DS. :) It was so difficult to decide on a name pre-birth, but now we can match a name to a face, so hopefully it will be easier.
 

Philomom, what happened to you regarding your child's name was utterly incredible! I'm so very sorry, for both the loss of your son and the insensitivity showed by your sister. My problem is so inadequate in comparison. 

post #35 of 54

Does SIL in law know that you had already picked that name out, or did she only hear the story from her husband and he told her you were copying theit name? If is was me I just would have name the baby the name I wanted to in the first place and who cares what your BIL thinks. I also would have made it clearly know to other family members before the birth that you settled on this name and when BIL found out he demanded you not use it because it was on his short list and you would be happy if bothkids have the same name and I would have made sure that SIL knew about it from myself, not jsut heresay from her husband. Our family had a similar incident when one sister named a child a name and then years later like 6-7 years, the other sister claimed that the first sister has stolen the name from her (even though she was not having any children, or even married at the time of the birth of the first baby) and named her child the same name. The second person is one of those types who is always difficult and thinks every idea is hers. So in the end these 2 cousins grew up with the same name and it caused no problems, no one really cared.

 

Given that this is all year old now, I think I would just keep the name or change it to a different one, but not use the origianl name. After a year I think it will just look like you are trying to steal the name, eventhough your not. I would probably work it into the conversation with your SIL some time about how it all really went down with your brother and the name.

post #36 of 54
Quote:
Our family had a similar incident when one sister named a child a name and then years later like 6-7 years, the other sister claimed that the first sister has stolen the name from her (even though she was not having any children, or even married at the time of the birth of the first baby) and named her child the same name.

Heh. There a few names I wouldn't dare use. One sister (unmarried, no boyfriend, completely unattached) would probably be very peeved if I used Phoebe or Charlotte for a girl. And another sister has claimed dibs on Malcolm for a boy (a family name on her DH's side). I quite like all three names, but I wouldn't stir the pot... anyway, DH doesn't like 'em.

post #37 of 54

In this case there was no dibs on a name before hand, or any you stole my name until this years later child came along. it was  I'm naming my child the same name because you stole my name that I liked even though i have never ever mentioned this until now. At the time this was a really common name or the variety there are 2 or 3 in every class

post #38 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by Smokering View Post

Heh. There a few names I wouldn't dare use. One sister (unmarried, no boyfriend, completely unattached) would probably be very peeved if I used Phoebe or Charlotte for a girl. And another sister has claimed dibs on Malcolm for a boy (a family name on her DH's side). I quite like all three names, but I wouldn't stir the pot... anyway, DH doesn't like 'em.

 

My sister told me I should name my baby Malcolm if he was a boy.  My husband wasn't on board with it.  We had a girl anyway, so my sister said she was going to have another baby and use the name.  She just really wanted there to be a child in our family named Malcolm, I guess!  But she was not able to conceive another, and I had another girl, and we didn't want to name her Malcolm either.

post #39 of 54

so, .... after reading all the posts (checking the thread every day !!!), i am left wondering

= how to deal with adult family members that behave un-reasonnably ???

(am now o.k.-able to set limits- with dealing with some from my family .... but haven't yet cracked it with those from DH's family ...)

post #40 of 54
Quote:
but haven't yet cracked it with those from DH's family

 

That's more complex, isn't it?  It's really important that your dh supports you, his wife. If someone is being unreasonable with you or hostile to you, he should step up and call them on it.

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