Live close to hubby's work or where "I" want to live - Page 2

[skycheattraffic]

I think it's really important to be able to comfortably afford where you live. Babies can be a bit pricey (depending on whether you bf, cd, use second hand clothing, etc) and while we all hope for the best, it's important to have a backup plan. For instance if your DH gets ill or hurt, how well is he covered by benefits to take time off and heal? If there's not a lot of flexibility then it's important to be able to save a bit of money each month for emergencies just in case you need it. There may be other ways to cut costs, like dropping cable and shifting that money into the rent or savings budget for instance. My point is, absolutely try your best to find a place you're happy to live BUT don't overextend yourself financially. Your rent should be at most 35% of DH's take home pay (if he's the sole source of income). That may shut the door on some lovely houses but keep your eyes open. New places come up all the time and some that may sound unappealing may surprise you. Try to keep your options open as much as possible and look into alternatives you may have missed (semis or townhouse, apartment building, apartment one one floor of larger house, etc). Try to see as many places as possible and narrow down your must haves. We've been living in a house with glaring shortcomings for over 5 years now (2 with a baby, then toddler) and a lot of the problems are made up for by the low cost of housing and lack of financial pressure. I'm not trying to rain on your parade, just pointing out that Sometimes you can get what you need (as opposed to what you think you need) for less by keeping an open mind. Good luck mama!

[Snapdragon]

OF course only you can decide how to appropriately spend or save your money as we here don't really know your financial situation. But personally I think having a nice home and eating good food should be the things that you Do spend money on.

I think you hsould get really CLEAR about what you want- I am personally learning about how when we have lots of indecision in our minds it can be hard to make things happen. So the best thing to do is make a choice. I mean, in this type of situation.  It can be hard but then you start to see that ANY choice has good and bad consequences so sometimes it is just about deciding. I don't think not wanting to be near loud airplanes when you are about to have a baby is neurotic! I wouldn't want that either.

 I think you really want to move so in your mind tell yourself- I really want to move and I have fully decided, no more indecision. Then look and spend what you can to be in a better place.

When the baby comes they do keep you busy so moving now may be easier. But then again even if you have to move when they are little that is fine too. We moved a few times when my ds who is now almost 3 was a baby and he just adapted.

Good luck! If you need any good book recommendations about this kind of stuff I can pm you some- books aobut how to be happy or how to make up your mind and get what you want out of life kind of things.

You are right that we do have to take care of ourselves. I am happy to respond more if you want to vent more or ask more questions. Be well!!!!

[bobcat]

Thanks!

I do live with a lot of regret, because I am hard on myself.

It would be nice if decisions didn't weight me down so much. I deal with regret once I decide something (instead of just moving on), and sometimes I put off deciding things because of fear of regret. It seems like my life is good and should be good, but I only focus on the negative. Strangely, I am not a negative person, personality-wise. It is just that I get in these obsessive funks where things weigh me down.

Anyways, I did PM you about the books. I definitely think I need help in this area. Both for my happiness, and my husband's.

We did finally sign a lease on another house. I think the money situation will be okay. We are still able to save some, it is just not as much as I would have liked. I am just finding fault at this point. I haven't been posting too much because I've been tired from all of it. Thank you for listening and understanding.

I am looking forward to somehow finding a way to just be happy. I spend a lot of time worrying about my husband, and (not to blame him, but..) I do think the rough times we have been through together have made me paranoid that something will take us back to that place where our relationship is not as good. However, it's not a good enough reason for me to sabotage things with worry.

To sum it up, I am 90% sure that moving was the right decision, but I still am not happy about it. :( Just being honest. I see the negatives of the move, not the positives, then I worry about those negatives. I am sure I sound crazy to some of you! It isn't a perfect world, and I need to get that through my head.

I really think having the baby coming is causing most of this, because I have no idea how I am going to take care of a baby. So I am desperately trying to make my own life as easy as possible, with the hope that it will help once baby comes. But nothing seems to be getting me to that point. I am probably shooting myself in the foot with worry. I have done this before with big changes in my life, where I scrutinize things. But hopefully the move was still the right decision. I think it was.

I now need to just move on. Not let this affect the rest of the pregnancy. I need to be happy. And my husband will be glad once he sees that. I need to start getting some fun clothes for exercising, positive things like that. Making my daily life as good as possible. Spend a lot of good, quality time with my husband. Go on some date nights. HAVE FUN together. Those are the things I need to be doing.

[*bejeweled*]

I feel sorry for your DH. His only wish was to be able to come home to visit his baby.

[Snapdragon]

so you did move? or do you mean you signed on to plan to move?

what kind of place did you move to?

what do you like and not like about it?

do you have anyone other than dh to lean on when you have the baby?

when the baby arrives you will figure it out! every new parent doesn't know what to expect and you learn as you go. It's gonna be great-!

[Snapdragon]

Louise Hay is another good person to read. she als ohas affirmation cards which I like which give you positive thoughts to dwell on :)

It sounds to me like you are going through a big good growth spurt in your process of learning to be happy. Keep setting happiness and peace as your goal and praise yourself for the journey.

[Snapdragon]

also-- speaking from my own personal experience right now-- some times it is okay if life feels chaotic and we are dealing with lots of internal things at once.  even in that busyness and change, we can still take moments of inner calm and peace and inner connectedness. So it is not like you have to totally get your whole life together before your baby is born. You can just try to be really loving to yourself (advice to myself too) and try to find calm moments. :)

[skinnyloveBC]

Honestly, I agree with *bejeweled*. I feel sorry for your DH who I'm guessing very rarely gets his wishes honored when there's a conflict. You're probably very busy and preoccupied with baby things, but have you taken honest stock lately of who most often gets what "makes them happy"? As women, especially pregnant ones, I feel like it can be so easy to get very focused on what makes us feel good, happy, secure, comforted, at peace, etc., and we feel totally justified in that. But in the pursuit of what makes us feel more complete, are we losing track of what/who really matters? Are we inadvertently trading the person (or people) who really do complete our joy (not just happiness) for the latest product, service, or home that looks appealing??

I'm historically bad at discerning between comfort and real, lasting joy, and I have been truly selfish in that more times than I'd like to admit. So speaking from experience, it does wonders for your soul to honor DH's wishes sometimes when they conflict with yours. If you consider how you'd feel/react if he didn't support you in something big, you'll see how much it would mean to him for you to just get over the noise (or whatever the latest issue is) and stop not-picking. I realize you've already signed another lease, but look at what you typed to us. You're still not even happy! I wonder how your DH feels about giving up his joy (leaving work multiple times a week just to visit your wife and child is a really big deal!!) in an effort to please you, and you're not even pleased.

Maybe I'm ranting, but there are posts all over MDC about dads not carrying their weight or being abusive or cheating... it might do you a lot of good to truly appreciate what you have and to do all you can to foster his well being and his relationship with his child instead of seeming to care only about what you THINK you want/need. Seems like a little empathy and perspective would help with the indecisiveness.

Good luck with your living situation. I really hope you find a great place. But try not to hold out for the PERFECT place since that may take a while (perfect doesn't exist, btw). And please try to see that your DH doesn't sound selfish. He sounds like a loving, committed man who would walk to the end of the earth for you in a heartbeat. That's an amazing blessing to have, but it carries A LOT of responsibility to protect and nurture instead of exploit.

Just my experience. Take it or leave it.

[Snapdragon]

---

hmmmm that seems harsh to the op- I don't see how she is being rude to her dh by trying to find ahome tha is no right next to a heavy airplane area-   I don't think she should have to sacrifice her own enjoymenof her home just so her dh can come home from work at lunch. I think she is trying to find a balance between her own needs and her family's needs and I don't think she needs to be harshed on!

[skinnyloveBC]

Sorry :-)

[*bejeweled*]

I am giving my opinion. And opinions differ. Thank you very much.