Help me think this through

[zebra15]

Ok- I;m just in the 'thinking' stages of this and I know all around its just a bad idea but it needs to be done.

Last year we did a very ill fated move 'back home'.  At some point I need to get back 'home' to get my stuff.  I have approx 20 storage boxes in my mothers garage that she is not willing to ship to me.  Most of which is DS stuff and rightfully he would like his stuff.

My thought was I could fly out there,)(there is an overnight flight)spen a long weekend, sorting boxes and seeing what we 'really' need and rent a van/suv and drive the 2-3 days back with said possessions.  I realize this puts me in a long weekend with very toxic people and yet another cross country drive.  However shipping the boxes seems futile at this point when I;m up there.  I could probably toss 1/2 the stuff.  The clothes no longer fit.(Im celiac and i've lost 5 sizes in the past year,  ds has changed sizes as well)  I can make executive decisions on the books etc.

When I go to price one way rentals on cars/suv/mini vans they are so $$$  Like darn near 2k.  Plus my flight up there.  I was not taking DS.

My mother is totally on my case about 'everything we left up there' so I need to make an effort to get this stuff since she isn't sending it back.  I dont' have 3k to dump into a long weekend plus added therapy sessions when I get back.  I would guess everything would fit in a mini van/ large SUV.  I need to go thru the boxes.  I don't even remember whats up there.  When I left last summer I packed my car with essentials and never looked back.  

Ive told her over and over again to get rid of my clothes as I'm not longer that size.  I've dropped at least 5 sizes.  I don't have the time or the $$ for a vacation up there.  I can take an overnight flight,  work like a horse for 2 days to get this done then hit the road and drive for 2 days to get home. I know some of the stuff isn't coming back.  Like I said the clothes.  None of the winter clothes will do any of us any good. We live in AZ and our stuff is stranded in OH.  Being selfish I want my 2 boxes of craft supplies and DS is patiently waiting for his boxes of LEGO;s

So far KAYAK has shown me budget with  a minivan for under 1k  which is less than shipping all those boxes back.  Fuel would be about $400  2 hotel rooms $150 and my sanity might never recover..  but we would have our stuff.   are mini vans easy to pack with stuff??   I really don't want to do this.  I don't want to make a x-county trip.   I don't want to face my family again but my kiddo has been almost a year with out his stuff and I need to get it for him.  and heck I want my stuff too.

help me talk this out...  this would take my entire IRS refund and all my psych meds to accomplish.

[Kamiro]

I don't know Mama. I think I'd spend the $1400 or whatever it would take to get the stuff and go shopping at Micheals and a toy store.

Tell your mom to toss the rest and be done with it. You're free, you know?

This is just my off the cuff idea. Seems like a waste of money for legos, craft supplies, and books..etc. Go shopping on amazon or something...

[zebra15]

I have about 5k in legos.  a box of baby photos.  2k of books.  legal papers.  stuff like that is just sitting in her garage.  I know I should just let it go... but the point it SHE WONT?  she couldv't tosssed it a year ago but she didn't .... she keeps callingme about the stuff in her garage...  i think part of spending the $$ is just get her to shut up.  never mind my sister got married 5 years ago and all her cr@p is still there and she lives 5 miles away.

Yes some of those legos are discontinued and DS really wants them.  and he really wants his books...he wants his French stuff.  I can't say I blame him.

Shes the type of person who has 47 pairs of tan pants but yet needs to go to the mall, but won't do this one this for us.  She keeps yammering about the 'stuff in the garage'.   Now if she was offering to pay for my expense to get up there and my week off 'work' to do this ... ya know... it woudl be a different story... 

Then I need to drive all this cr@p across the country and figure out what to do with it when I get it home. Lord help me.

[laura163]

I would wait until after March as the airlines are busy with spring break travel.  And there is still snow in the Midwest that could make the drive harder.  Maybe rent a minivan and drive both ways? I know uhauls are expensive and get really bad gas mileage.

[erigeron]

Off top of my head I have heard of "drive away" programs where someone wants their car to be moved from point A to point B and you can get involved to save on the cost of a rental. http://www.sptimes.com/2002/06/16/Travel/Travel_for_free_in_a_.shtml

I'll think this over more and get back to you if I think of something else. 

[34me]

Is there anyone there that you trust?  one of those PODs might be cheaper if you have someone that you could trust to pack everything but the clothes.  then you could go through it at your leisure when it arrived.

[chel]

Sounds like it might all fit in a car. Much cheaper than a minivan, especially a one-way trip.

[zebra15]

I was thinking the end of May.  Fly up for a 'long ' weekend.  I need 2 days to sort and re-pack what ever is left up there.  My mother has taken to calling me DAILY about 4 pcs of clothing in the closet.  FWIW I've lost of ton of weight and nothing I've left behind would fit, I've told her to toss it, donate it, etc but I cant use it nor do I want it.

I was considering flying in, renting a minivan or SUV, going thru everything I left behind and packing that vehicle full and driving back home.  Mother seems inept with either just sending the boxes back or sorting them and following directions.  I need to make sure I have excellent boundaries before doing this because I do NOT need to get in a worse situation mentally than when I left last August.

I am really only considering this because DS wants and deserves to have his things back.  He has been patient and honestly there are 5k worth of LEGOS in that garage.

It will not fit in a car.  I have approx 20 boxes that are 18*18*18 or 20*20*20.  Some items can be tossed at this point.  But most of it needs to come back 'home'.

I can probably ship a couple boxes but last year that got a box lost and chaos ensued for DS.

Oh dear lord... im getting panicky just thinking about this.

No one to trust,  PODS are $$ for 2k miles.

I could take the overnight flight, get in work all day, work the next day... leave day 3...drive day 4... get home late day 4 or day 5.

[Veslemor]

I did a similar trip up to MN and back to AZ and it made the most sense to me to look around online and buy a vehicle while I was up there, drive back and with all my stuff and sell it.  I spent $1200 on a Bronco and sold it for the same.  It did take some time to sell it, and I was lucky to be in a position to float that money for a while.  I also rented a U-haul trailer which was considerably cheeper than renting something that drives.  It was nice to just finally bite the bullet and get all my big and breakable things down here and out of my mom's space.  It sounds like you're dreading the trip.  Hopefully you can put your mind in another way before you make the trip because packing doesn't have to be stressful and culling can be healing.  Good luck.
 

[earthmama4]

I would not take an exhausting expensive journey into a negative situation for any of that which you describe. I would simply tell Mom: "Look Mom, I am sorry things didn't work out and I had to leave as I did. But its just not feasible for me to make another trip to get that stuff (don't explain, justify or defend at this point, just be matter of fact and repeat as necessary) *mom freaking out* Yes I know, but its not feasible for me to make a trip now.*mom continues to freak out*  I know, and I am sorry, but its not feasible for me to make this trip right now so here are our choices. You can help me out and mail the boxes to me, or I can call (insert charitable organization name here) and have them come pick up the boxes as a donation. *mom freaking out - or silence* Do you want to think about it for a few days and get back to me?

 

Worst case scenario, she lives with your stuff in her garage, but at this point, its her choice. Personally I would rather donate it than let it sit there, but if you can really let go then it doesn't really matter either way. You took your essentials. All that is left is just "stuff". Don't be a slave to stuff, mama. BTDT and its not fun! We got rid of thousands of dollars of stuff when we downsized to a smaller place, and thousands again when we moved out of state 2 years later. We fit all our belongings into the back of a cargo van and the back of an Explorer! And we are a family of six! Only very occasionally do I miss anything, and the moment is fleeting. 

I have learned almost anything is replaceable. Even legal paperwork. I mean how often do you really need any of that stuff? If you ever need something you can get them from legal archives, vital statistics, etc. As for your son, my son is a Lego fanatic too but seriously, how many Legos can a kid play with at once? We've downsized sometimes and he has taken it in stride. He'd die with glee if I told him he could spend $500 on new Lego sets if he got rid of all he currently has. There are some awesome new sets out there! Get calm, get clear, and talk to your son. Don't be a slave to guilt. Its important that our children learn and accept the realities of life sometimes. And I would imagine you want him to value relationships and emotional well-being over little pieces of plastic. As fun as they may be!

 

Take back your power mama! Be an example to your son of a strong woman who can let go and move on! Help him learn to do so. Sometimes our very survival necessitates cutting our losses and moving on. Get help and support from your counselor if you have one. You can do it. 

[Poddi]

We had to do this last year during our vacation to get rid of all the stuff my brother stored in MY in-law's place for 10 years.  It was not fun.  We ended up getting rid of most of the things and fitted what's worth keeping into about 6 or 7 boxes and shipped them all to him for less than $300.  We had to do that because they're been there so long I feel horrible when I see my in-laws.  My brother is never gonna be useful enough to do all that work himself so we had to do it.  It was a lot of work and the stuff are totally not worth it, but at least we got it done and dealt with.  I say just grit your teeth and get it done the cheapest way.  Haul everything back (or get rid of them).  It's not fair for them to sit in your mom's for ages and not fair to ask her to sort through them.  Get this done once and you won't have to hear complaints about them again.

As for us, gosh we learned our lessons and will never ask for a favor for anyone else again.  I have a feeling that some day we'll be required to sort through all the stuff other family members leave.  I hope we'll be rich enough then to hire some organizing helpers.

[sunshineafterrain]

Originally Posted by earthmama4 

I would not take an exhausting expensive journey into a negative situation for any of that which you describe. I would simply tell Mom: "Look Mom, I am sorry things didn't work out and I had to leave as I did. But its just not feasible for me to make another trip to get that stuff (don't explain, justify or defend at this point, just be matter of fact and repeat as necessary) *mom freaking out* Yes I know, but its not feasible for me to make a trip now.*mom continues to freak out*  I know, and I am sorry, but its not feasible for me to make this trip right now so here are our choices. You can help me out and mail the boxes to me, or I can call (insert charitable organization name here) and have them come pick up the boxes as a donation. *mom freaking out - or silence* Do you want to think about it for a few days and get back to me?

 

Worst case scenario, she lives with your stuff in her garage, but at this point, its her choice. Personally I would rather donate it than let it sit there, but if you can really let go then it doesn't really matter either way. You took your essentials. All that is left is just "stuff". Don't be a slave to stuff, mama. BTDT and its not fun! We got rid of thousands of dollars of stuff when we downsized to a smaller place, and thousands again when we moved out of state 2 years later. We fit all our belongings into the back of a cargo van and the back of an Explorer! And we are a family of six! Only very occasionally do I miss anything, and the moment is fleeting. 

I have learned almost anything is replaceable. Even legal paperwork. I mean how often do you really need any of that stuff? If you ever need something you can get them from legal archives, vital statistics, etc. As for your son, my son is a Lego fanatic too but seriously, how many Legos can a kid play with at once? We've downsized sometimes and he has taken it in stride. He'd die with glee if I told him he could spend $500 on new Lego sets if he got rid of all he currently has. There are some awesome new sets out there! Get calm, get clear, and talk to your son. Don't be a slave to guilt. Its important that our children learn and accept the realities of life sometimes. And I would imagine you want him to value relationships and emotional well-being over little pieces of plastic. As fun as they may be!

 

Take back your power mama! Be an example to your son of a strong woman who can let go and move on! Help him learn to do so. Sometimes our very survival necessitates cutting our losses and moving on. Get help and support from your counselor if you have one. You can do it. 

I totally agree with this and also with the pp who said take the money you'd use for this and instead spend it at a craft store and at Amazon. I am sure your ds would love buying new legos or other things that are French or remind him of France.

Or even take the money and spend it on a trip or fun experience that you *would* love- maybe save up to go to France as a dream vacation.

I also think you could post this over on the decluttering forum and they would support you in letting the "things" go

Do you have a friend or relative who could get the boxes and store them for you? If they can get rid of the clothes that should reduce the amount of boxes.

But it comes down to that if you tell your mom to call a charity to pick it up -and she does not- then it is *her* problem and *her* choice- and so let *her* own it.

I really think the decluttering board could help you get to terms with just letting it go-- don't forget that you already did let it go and you've survived a year without any of the items

and that you can use the money you'd spend on this for replacements or a fun adventure with your ds

Good luck- you are far better off without toxic people in your life

(((Hugs)))

[swede]

WEll, while I understand it is just "stuff", a lot of it is her son's.  It sounds like he's been through a lot this year, too, and some of this is important to him.   Also, the op mentioned baby books - those are not just "stuff". 

OP - do you not have anyone there that can just ship your stuff?  I would do it.   If you really can't find anyone, I would probably drive with my son, load up all the boxes and sort them someplace other than your mom's house.  Maybe even in front of a good will.  Then drive home.  I am sorry you  are struggling.
 

[sunshineafterrain]

I agree about the photos, and 'some' of the son's things. It is very sad that the relationship is so toxic that her mother is unwilling to ship those. Hopefully someone else can step in and go through the stuff and ship those

If not, the situation sounds too stressful and mental health is more important than things- even photos

Honestly, if no one can step in then I would just pretend there was a fire and everything was burned and be done with it

I am sorry you are in this situation Zebra15, it has to be incredibly difficult

[LoveOurBabies]

I'm for letting go of stuff and not letting stuff consume you, but in this situation, I'd do it. I'd drive, get all of my shit and get the hell out. I'm so, so sorry that you have to go through this. I too, have a toxic relationship with some family members, so I'm definitely feeling your dread here!

Try not to look at the trip money like it's being wasted - It's for a good cause: You will get your son's stuff back and finally let this stage of your life pass.

[swede]

op-

do you want to give a general idea of where your mom's house is and maybe someone on MDC can help? 
 

[larablue]

Do you have any friends up there? I would rather pay someone to pack everything up and let them ship it to me than do the whole routine as you described it.

If there is someone you really trust, check, whether they can talk on the phone while sorting the boxes for you. Clothing for example could go directly to Goodwill or similar.

If I were in your situation, I would rather pay all the money to get a professional person to box everything for me and ship it to AZ rather than risking to ruin my mental health over stuff.

[delightedbutterfly]

If you don't have a friend or family member you could trust then I too agree with calling a professional..

In fact I'd call around to all of the moving companies in the area and see if they had any long distance moves that they could add your stuff onto. You may have to wait a couple months, but even if they just put all the boxes onto someone else's truck and brought them to you to sort it would make your life easier. 

Or calling a professional sorter/packer and asking them to only pack/ship such and such. Save the cost of the airfare and rental/drive home and put it towards that. It may work out the same or cheaper.

[OrmEmbar]

I have a friend who is trying to figure out how to ship their remaining household across the country on a very small budget.  They found some websites where trucking companies try to fill their trucks for the drive home so they don't drive with an empty truck and can make a little money.  I guess there are some sights where the truckers bid for your shipment so you can choose the cheapest option.  Sounds like they will be able to get their entire household (furniture, toys, clothes, etc) transported from East Coast to West Coast for less than $1,000  . . . probably closer to $600.

I just did a search for "empty truck shipping" and saw several options pop up

good luck!