My kids are at the age now where we are comfortable with them going on outings or sleep overs with friends/family who we trust. A situation has come up where I'm not sure how to feel or what to do. dh and I are not on good terms with my MIL. We never were and because of that our dc of course KNOW her, but don't really have a relationship with her. My SIL want to take my kids on an outing. She has not out right said it, but I'm getting the impression that MIL will be joining them. Now, it is not my place at all to comment on MIL and SIL going somewhere together, but I do feel that I should have a say in if MIL is joining in the outing when my dc are involved. WWYD?
What would I do? Hmmm....I guess it depends if I thought MIL was likely to say or do inappropriate or dangerous things to/around the kids. I am absolutely not on good terms with my xMIL and even at this age I don't really like sending my kids to spend time with her. The older they get, the more comfortable she is saying inappropriate things around/to them. They aren't in any danger with her though. So, I opt for letting the kids decide. At first, they were just excited about the idea of spending time with her and getting to know her....but the more they've gotten to know her, the less time they like spending with her. I don't tell her that outright, but make the kids "happen" to be too busy to spend time with her when they would rather not.
The parallel I could make is that I have not spoken to my father since I was 18 years old. I do not know if he even knows I have a kid. I would NOT let my kid go on an outing where he was going to be part of it. If someone else was taking my kid somewhere and there was a possibility of him being there I would ask and if he was going to be I would say, "thanks for the offer but ds cannot go with you. Maybe some other time."
Is the addition of MIL seem underhanded (like, 'let's see if we can sneak visits with jeteaa's dc') or just coincidental (like 'oh hey, I'd really like to go to that too. Why don't you come with me on xyz.' and it just happened to be the day she was going with your dc).
I'd completely bow the kids out of something that seemed underhanded. If it seemed coincidental, I might end up inviting myself along for extra supervision - depending on how I or the kids got along with SIL.
Would SIL be understanding and/or protective of your dc over whatever the issues you happen to have with MIL?
If it's some kind of issue that MIL just thinks doesn't matter and I felt like SIL was trustworthy about - I'd ask SIL directly about MIL and try to level with her about the issue. I'd probably also talk with the kids themselves too (we have issues with allergy-appropriate foods and smoking around kids with some IL's, and those are examples of stuff I talk a lot with the kids about because various IL's just don't have the same radar about them as our family does, and we've got health issues they really matter for. And I avoid get togethers that seem more prone to problems with these issues and allow for others that will minimize the problems we have with these relatives.).
If SIL didn't really take the issue(s) seriously herself that our family had with MIL ('MIL did xyz to me, and I turned out fine!') - the kids wouldn't go.