Please help with child's father & step mother!!!

[rlynnmills]

First, I am very sorry for how long this is, but if you would take the time to read it and respond to it, I would be so grateful!

 

I wrote this about 2 months ago to a Facebook forum:

   My child's father is recently married. They have both bullied me over the past year off and on. This weekend, it got ugly. His wife started saying my child is behind because of me because she isn't potty trained, still uses a paci, and when at their house they have to feed her. My child is 2. She feeds herself at my house, and yes she still uses a paci, but only at night. None of the kids in her daycare class are potty trained. I just don't think she is ready yet. However, my child's father thinks she is. That's what she had to say about my child. About me, she called me a psycho, fat and ugly-glad the child looks like her father, and a few other really mean things. The father is at least 6 months behind in child support. When he did pay, it was $52 every few months($52 is the weekly amount he is due to pay). As of today, is he $2,400 in arrears. He also has never paid or helped with daycare and diapers for daycare. I don't think he buys her new clothes because every time I send my child to his house in clothes I've bought for her, I never see them again. We have no court ordered visitation. I let him see his child because I want my child to see her father, but why should I put up with the way her father and his wife treat me? I really would like to file some kind of charges against the wife for the phone calls and texts she sent to me. She threatened physical harm to me over the phone. So, what should I do? I am torn, very stressed out and don't know what to do. Can someone please help? If you have something mean to say, please leave it to yourself. I've had enough mean things said to me, so please spare me.

                                                                                                                                                                                         I wrote this one today:

  I need help with a situation going on right now. My two year old daughter's father(and his wife) and I agreed a while back on visitation - when he gets to have her. We agreed that on Wednesdays, they can pick her up from daycare, she can stay the night with them and they can take her to daycare the next morning. Also, they are to pick her up from daycare every other weekend on Friday and take her to daycare the following Monday. Well, for the past month, they have not had my daughter on Wednesdays. They come up with different excuses as to why they can't get her each time. That's not what I have a problem with. My problem is that every Wednesday, I try to text them both while I'm at work just to make sure they are getting my daughter. For the past month, they either don't text me back at all or text me back 5 minutes before the daycare closes. One day, they said they would be picking her up, but I got a call 10 minutes after the daycare closed saying that my daughter was still up there! I was agitated and annoyed. Today is a Wednesday, and again neither one of them responded to my calls/texts. So, I called the daycare like I have had to before to see if they have picked my daughter up. Surprisingly, her dad picked her up. SO, I am seriously thinking about taking both of their names off of the list of who can pick up my daughter at her daycare. Also, I would let them know that I'm doing that, and tell them that that it is really insensitive (I'm not sure if that's the correct term) of them to not let me know if they are picking up my daughter from daycare. What should I do? What should I say to my daughter's father? I don't want to have a conversation with his wife because, first she is not my child's mother, and second she has been rude to me in the past - saying things like I'm making my child be behind. Anyway, please let me know asap because this has been going on too long, and I want it to stop soon.

Thank you!  

[Learning_Mum]

First, stop communicating with the new wife. You are co-parenting with your ex, not her.

Secondly, I would remove them from the list and stop them picking her up from there. It will remove anxiety and it will also stop causing problems for the daycare.

Thirdly, I would limit all communication to email and keep every email that is sent between the two of you.

[Polliwog]

In most places, you can't remove a parent from a school/child care pickup list with out a legal document that specified that the parent isn't allowed access. In fact, her father would likely be able to pick her up on the other days, too.

[Kate&Joey]

Originally Posted by Polliwog 

In most places, you can't remove a parent from a school/child care pickup list with out a legal document that specified that the parent isn't allowed access. In fact, her father would likely be able to pick her up on the other days, too.

Maybe this depends on the custody arrangement?  I have full custody of DS and have always put his bio-dad on the "restricted" pick-up list for daycare / camps / school.  I was never asked to provide any type of document.

OP - what is your custody arrangement?  Personally, I find it surprising that you have a CS order in place, but no parenting time order.

Re the clothes situation - I would only send your DD with the clothes on her back.  That's how we do it with my DSD.  We (meaning me) buy all of her clothes to keep at our house.  We wash the outfit she wears to our house and then she wears that back to her mother's house. 

And seconding a PP, there is no reason to speak / text / email with your XH's wife.  I am also a stepmother and have ZERO communication with DSD's mother.

[rlynnmills]

My child's daycare would let me take their names off of the pick up list. I know that for sure.

Currently, there is no court ordered custody arrangement. It is just a verbal agreement. He gets her every other weekend and on Wednesdays. The holidays are different every year. At first, he didn't get her on Wednesdays, but he asked if he could. So, I agreed to let him have her, but lately it seems as if he doesn't want her on Wednesdays. So, I just don't see the point.

When I think that my child will be going to stay at her father's house, I dress her in either the clothes that she had on from his house (which are literally 2 sizes too small) or I buy cheap clothes to put her in knowing that I'll never seeing them again.

I agree that there is no reason to speak to the wife. However, for some reason, the father just doesn't want to communicate with me. So, he has his wife do it. However, I am going to take the advice of "learning_mum" and email him. I think that in the email I will tell him that if and when he wants his child, he can pick her up from my house, not from the daycare anymore and that I am taking his name off of the daycare list because it is causing me stress and problems with the daycare. I want to say so much more, but I'm not sure what to say or how to put it. Any advice on that?

[Polliwog]

Legally, in most places, they can not withhold a child from a parent without court documentation. If they refused to release the child, and the other parent called the police, it's very likely that he would be be able to take her.

[onelittlebird]

I don't think it's ok to dress her in clothes too small to fit, just because her father doesn't buy her as many clothes as you do. It just seems to me that you're punishing her to make a point to her dad, and that's not fair. Why don't you just donate the too-small clothes to someone who needs them? If she needs clothes, he won't let her go naked, right?

[edited for typo]

[hillymum]

I agree with restricting communication to email only who ever it is with, ex or his wife. Just keep it polite, on subject and do not respond to anything negative. Just pretend it wasn't written.

Legally, as long as he s on the birth certificate and there is no signed court documentation your ex can collect his child any time he wants to, schools have no right to with hold a child. You are better of dealing with this in a calm rational fashion. Ask them to confirm via email  48 hours before that ex does want to practice his visitation and say clearly if he hasn't confirmed then he doesn't get to pick her up. Or change pick up location and and again let him know you need confirmation of his plans. What ever you do, act calmly and rationally. Eventually he will do the same.

The two of you also need to meet half way on the clothes situation. I buy good quality clothes really cheaply, usually at seasons end (so right now I am buying next years winter clothes) can you do that and send him with an extra change and let him know as long as the clothes are suitable you do not mind what she comes home in? The important thing that both of you need to understand and aim for is that your daughter isn't fucked up because you tow do not like each other.

Oh, and as soon as bullying starts on the phone if you really must talk on the phone, hang up for Gods sake! Stand up for yourself and make it clear you will not sit there and listen!!!

[provocativa]

I disagree with some of the pps.  You need to find out what constitutes harassment in Arkansas- as far as the stepmother goes.  And then if she harasses or threatens you, you know what your options are. If you want it to stop you are going to have to gain the confidence to assert yourself by learning your rights, and then standing up for them.

If he is not on the birth certificate, I would stop visitation.  I would take his name off the list at the daycare.  You need to document all you have complained about here- keep a log of every single thing- late pickups, missed visitations, etc.  Why can you not have him prosecuted for nonpayment of support?  Why can you not have the amount adjusted to include childcare costs?  The fact is, they already hate you and spew venom your way.  So you might as well try to get what you need- less harassing communication, more money, less hassle at the daycare.  Let them hate you for those things!

I do not see too small clothes as punishment.  Kids don't generally care if their clothes look silly, only if they feel okay.  My kids wear too-small clothes all the time.  Often I have to negotiate to get them to change!  Sometimes I just let them wear them, if they want to.  You need to assert yourself on this issue, somehow.  Or go to the clothing bank or Goodwill, and only send her over in stuff that cost nothing or next to nothing.

Quite frankly, I think he sounds like a worthless piece of #!*.  A dad who won't clothe his child?  Won't pay child support?  Won't take the time to help his kid eat?  Obviously doesn't want to pay for diapers or take the time to learn about potty learning?  I think your kid is better off without his negative influence.

Edited by provocativa - 2/28/13 at 6:01pm

[rlynnmills]

Originally Posted by onelittlebird 

I don't think it's ok to dress her in clothes too small to fit, just because her father doesn't buy her as many clothes as you do. It just seems to me that you're punishing her to make a point to her dad, and that's not fair. Why don't you just donate the too-small clothes to someone who needs them? If she needs clothes, he won't let her go naked, right?

[edited for typo]

First of all, I'm not punishing my child in any way. The clothes aren't extremely small. They fit her, but they are a little tight on her. You wouldn't be able to tell that they are too small unless you look at the size or try to change her diaper-it's a little tight getting her pants down. Secondly, I do donate the clothes she grows out of. I was just saying that on the days her father will get het, I put her back in the clothes she was wearing when she came from his house. Some of the time, those clothes are a little small. If they are TOO small, I wouldn't put her in them. She currently wears a 3T, and the clothes her father puts her in range in size from 2T to 18 months!

[rlynnmills]

Originally Posted by hillymum 

I agree with restricting communication to email only who ever it is with, ex or his wife. Just keep it polite, on subject and do not respond to anything negative. Just pretend it wasn't written.

Legally, as long as he s on the birth certificate and there is no signed court documentation your ex can collect his child any time he wants to, schools have no right to with hold a child. You are better of dealing with this in a calm rational fashion. Ask them to confirm via email  48 hours before that ex does want to practice his visitation and say clearly if he hasn't confirmed then he doesn't get to pick her up. Or change pick up location and and again let him know you need confirmation of his plans. What ever you do, act calmly and rationally. Eventually he will do the same.

The two of you also need to meet half way on the clothes situation. I buy good quality clothes really cheaply, usually at seasons end (so right now I am buying next years winter clothes) can you do that and send him with an extra change and let him know as long as the clothes are suitable you do not mind what she comes home in? The important thing that both of you need to understand and aim for is that your daughter isn't fucked up because you tow do not like each other.

Oh, and as soon as bullying starts on the phone if you really must talk on the phone, hang up for Gods sake! Stand up for yourself and make it clear you will not sit there and listen!!!

[rlynnmills]

I like the idea of confirming via email 48 hours ahead of time. I will do that ? About this: "The important thing that both of you need to understand and aim for is that your daughter isn't fucked up because you tow do not like each other." I would never let it get to the point where my child gets affected by her father and I not getting along. She is too young right now to understand, but when she is old enough to understand, and he is still acting this way, I will take him to court. She doesn't need to be around such negativity.

[k x s]

Originally Posted by rlynnmills 

I like the idea of confirming via email 48 hours ahead of time. I will do that ? About this: "The important thing that both of you need to understand and aim for is that your daughter isn't fucked up because you tow do not like each other." I would never let it get to the point where my child gets affected by her father and I not getting along. She is too young right now to understand, but when she is old enough to understand, and he is still acting this way, I will take him to court. She doesn't need to be around such negativity.

I don't think confirming 48 hours beforehand will work. You said you would call them on the day and they wouldn't answer or call 5 minutes past daycare closing or not at all. 

...and its already gotten to that point.

It doesn't sound like your arrangement is working. If it were me I would go through a court so he would be compelled to do what he is supposed to do. Pay child support, provide consistent and reasonable care and not decide to do what he likes when he likes, or if he likes including communicating with you, paying support and not feeling like picking up his DD from daycare. I mean WTF?

Also stop enabling him. If he doesn't want to communicate with you. Then he doesn't or shouldn't get to benefit from it by you communicating with him through his new wife. The arrangements are between you and you DDs father not her. 

Also if you haven't already start documenting her online abuse.