fear of never having another baby?

[mamatoabirdie]

hi mamas.

I have been a single mom before (for many years, actually) to my now 6yo.  I started dating my DP about three years ago and we have a 6mo.  I was totally thrilled to *finally* have a family (my daughter's father is really not involved very much and there isn't a chance in hell I'd ever get back with him) and do all of the things that I painfully witnessed the married/partnered couples around me do with their children.  I have always lived a very rich life and I have a really active social life (which absolutely includes my children), but I felt lonely and isolated as a single mom.  I really, really longed for a partner to experience the highs and lows of childrearing with.  all of that said, imagine my thrill when DP and I found out we were expecting, got it together, moved in and really did become a family of sorts.  for a while, our relationship was awesome and I couldn't believe how blessed I was (still am).

so, it looks like our relationship is finally coming to an end.  it's been riddled with a lot of pain and rage and trouble for its entire duration, but the reprieve that we experienced while parenting our DS gave me hope that we could move past our past and start a new journey together.  here I am now, angry and sad and bitter that DP gets to mosey on down his bachelor road and get back to his "old" life (he was childless when we met) and I am now the single mother of two children from two different fathers and truth be told, I am terrified that no one will ever want me and I will never have another baby again.  I know that sounds so silly but I so long for a big family and lots of littles and I just fear that that will never happen for me.  I suppose the best course of action here is to just trust that the universe (I'm a believer...I have to be, for my own sanity) will give me exactly what I need and the life I am meant to live with unfold before me.  and at my core, I really do believe that my life is much better in the hands of some sort of power greater than myself, as I have a history of some questionable decision making :)  while trusting that what is meant to be will be, I am still in a heap of great heart ache over all of this.  I don't even know how much of it is actually over my DP - there has been enough damage in our relationship to finally push me into the dreaded indifferent state of mind towards him.  I just feel sad that I may never get to be pregnant again or nurse a newborn baby again or experience labor with a partner again or have someone to go to school functions with and cry to and bla bla bla.  there is a lot of fear.  and anger towards my STBX for getting to live his life like NONE of this ever happened or mattered.  

cookies for you if you made it all the way to the end of this post.  I'm sorry, I just had to vomit somewhere, I guess.  no one IRL wants to hear about this stuff from me.  I have to turn to the internet now lol.

anyways, thanks for listening.  does anyone else share these fears?  can anyone shed some light on this for me?

[mamatoabirdie]

oh and FTR, my STBX isn't the sole cause of us ending or anything.  he is a decent guy and actually a really great dad.  just a crappy partner :)  my anger towards him is probably more towards myself, as he has been emotionally unavailable as my partner but very available and capable as a father and I do trust that he will take care of his responsibility.

[onelittlebird]

Oh my god, are you ME??

I have a thirteen year old daughter and though her father is a great guy, we drifted apart. I married very young, before I know who I was, I think, and we separated when she was three. Just the two of us against the world, and it was... it was fine. It wasn't what I thought life would be, but we were ok, and I love her more than the world.

Fast forward a number of years and I  -  against all odds!  -  meet my new partner and fell HARD in love. We married, had another baby, I heard that clock getting louder and louder even though the alarm had already gone off twice  -  and have just come to the crashing realisation that he's NOT who I thought he was. And just like that, my second(!) marriage is over.

So now I'm facing life as a single mum AGAIN, with two children to two different fathers. The very definition of "damaged goods". Who'd ever want me?

I know, right now I'm processing the grief and trauma of his abrupt departure, coupled with the fact that today would have been the due date of the baby I miscarried last year. I know my head is not in the right place and I need to spend some time being good to me and the kids I do have, but I can't shake this idea of asking my friend to be my sperm donor. I know that if I told anyone this IRL they'd tell me I'm crazy to be thinking this now. But the desire for one last baby is just... it's just SO STRONG.

[Alaura5]

Me too, in a big way. This was actually one of the very worst parts of the time when we were still trying to work things out--I was overcome with fear of never having another baby and focused on that sometimes more than all of the other horrible things going on. There was a part of me that hoped we could hold things together enough just to have a second before we split up, but sadly, it just wasn't going to happen.

I still think about this way too much, and worry all the time about how long I can wait to meet someone else before I just decide to go for it alone and use a donor. My son is only 1.5, and we are not even divorced yet, but time is flying by and my heart would break all over again, irrevocably, if I didn't have the chance to experience pregnancy, birth, and babyhood again. So no, you're definitely not alone!

[onelittlebird]

Originally Posted by Alaura5 

This was actually one of the very worst parts of the time when we were still trying to work things out--I was overcome with fear of never having another baby and focused on that sometimes more than all of the other horrible things going on. There was a part of me that hoped we could hold things together enough just to have a second before we split up, but sadly, it just wasn't going to happen.

 

I feel you, mama. I forgave far more than I should have, put up with far more abuse than I should have, just hoping we could make it last long enough to get pregnant again. And that wasn't fair to him either, I know.

[MamaRuga]

I think about this a lot.  I always thought I'd just want two children.  But now that I'm single and 40-something, I'm feeling sad knowing that I won't have any more children.  I guess there is part of me that would like to have another chance at finding a great guy who would want to be a dad and having that experience of being with someone who was really wanting to share that together.  My STBX never wanted children and basically left because he just doesn't want to live the family life.  He has chosen work above family.  

I have a 5 y.o. and an 8 month old.  I feel sad knowing that there is little chance of having another baby, even if I did find another relationship, because the childbearing years are just about over.  I am grieving the dream that I had of having a partner who really wanted to join me in the path of parenting and family life. 

I'm grateful though that I have my two children.  It turns out that STBX made a very conscious decision to have DD2 with me, even knowing he would probably leave.  He knew how much I wanted another, so he thought he would do that for me before he left.  In some ways I was really pissed off about that because I had no clue and I thought that was really unfair.  But I am also so glad I have two children.  I think that if I just had one and was in this spot it would be even harder for me.  

So, I can relate to what you are saying.  I guess where I'm at is past the fear of not having another and to the point of grieving that it really wouldn't be an option, even if I were to remarry.   But, I'm making peace with it too.  Part of me is ready to move into the next phase of life anyway.   

[DCMama01]

I am 30 soon with a 3.5yo DD and would like one more. I'm single and not ready to grieve never having another child. I would have to be happily married though.

[Lady Phoenix]

I'm in my early thirties, and have a history of fertility problems, and I know that I don't have as much time left on my clock as other women my age.  However, I am at the end of my marriage.  I know that I have a LOT of work to do, to overcome my history of abuse and unhealthy relationships, before I can get involved with anyone again.  Part of me doesn't care; after what I've been through, the idea of being a relationship right now is just revolting.  But I'm not exactly a knockout, and I have a lot of baggage, kids (at least one with special needs, still testing on another)...  I feel like anyone decent would never look at me twice.  I really wanted a LOT of children.  Now, I'd be happy with one or two more, but I want what I never had, the experience of getting pregnant and being pregnant with a partner who is there for me through everything, who's just as invested as I am, no abuse or drama during the pregnancy, someone who is really ready for a family.  Only, they'd have to be ready for a couple of existing kids, and be willing to be okay with the idea of having just one or two more.  Assuming I'm able to.

I think it's healthy, though, that I worry a bit about it, knowing that it's possible.  Before, I probably would have jumped into a relationship as soon as I found a guy who was attractive and seemed okay, without getting to know him.  Now, I know that I'd resort to donor sperm before settling down with the wrong person - I'm keeping that option open for myself. :) 

[ILoveMyBabyBird]

I am still very angry about this. Xdh didn't want anymore, and when pregnant with dd (our second), gave me a weekly reminder of the fact he would get a V when she was 6 weeks old. Fast forward she was 4 month when I found out he was cheating and still hadn't had a V. We stayed together for about 10 months before the D was filed and still no V. As of yet, he still hasn't gotten a V to my knowledge and dd is 2. That enrages me so much that he will not do it now because he needs to keep his fertility in case someone else down the road wants a baby and he can have babies pretty much until he is a wrinkled old man, meanwhile my window of opportunity is limited, not just by getting older (i am 30 and know I still have some good fertile years left) but more my lifestyle. I am going back to school to become a teacher and I will soon be working. The idea of having a baby and working just breaks my heart. I really want 1-2 years minimum at home with a baby. I am grateful I get to be home with DD while I am in school until 3, but really I planned on keeping her at home until K. So it is just a whole plethora of anger. Less about the fear of finding someone to have a baby with, but more that my lifestyle will not be fit for a baby (at least for my standards.) I am trying to be happy with the fact that I have 2 great kids and doing what is best for them, which means no brother or sister for them anytime soon, if ever.

My other great fear is that down the road I will find a really great partner and not be able to have a child with him (either by choice or biology/or a V) that makes me sad.

[kythe]

My kids are 11 and 12, and I have been divorced 9 years. For many years I thought I was finished having kids, but now that I'm in my mid 30's I feel my biological clock ticking. I have worked my way through college and have a good job to support our family. I also feel like I make wiser choices now and could "correct" mistakes I made the first time if I could just start over.

But my boyfriend of 4 years is nearly infertile, it is highly unlikely we will conceive naturally without intervention. I find myself secretly hoping for a miracle, but I know its probably just a fantasy. Then I feel guilty because I should just be happy with the children I have. Many people who struggle with infertility have no biological children at all, and here I am whining that I "only" have 2.

I have been struggling with baby lust lately, illogical as it is, but I haven't really come to terms with the fact that I'm unlikely to have more children.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by mamatoabirdie 

I am terrified that no one will ever want me and I will never have another baby again.

If somebody doesn't want you, then they are the wrong person for you anyways.  

Originally Posted by mamatoabirdie 

I know that sounds so silly but I so long for a big family and lots of littles and I just fear that that will never happen for me.  I suppose the best course of action here is to just trust that the universe (I'm a believer...I have to be, for my own sanity) will give me exactly what I need and the life I am meant to live with unfold before me.

I wanted a big family, too.  Ever since I was a very little girl, all I wanted to be was a Mommy, to have a houseful of children.  My Mom likes to tell people how, even at three years old, I would pray every night to be "a Mommy with ten children" someday.  I had one son and one stepdaughter, and secondary infertility (and a husband who refused to even try for another baby).  I was devastated when my ex-husband left me and I lost my stepdaughter I'd raised for 8 or her 9 years and any chance (I thought) I had of every having any more children.  Fast forward a bit... I met a jerk, but walked away with a beautiful second son.  (Nope, by all rights, he shouldn't have been able to have been conceived, but there he was, secondary infertility literally disappeared when my exhusband left me.)  I loved my two children with all my heart... but feared I'd never find someone with my "history" and that, if I did find someone, I'd never have any more children.  Fast forward a bit more... I moved back to my hometown to help my sister raise my three nieces and my nephew.  Then I met my then boyfriend, who is now my fiance.  He is the love of my life, my soulmate, perfect for me in every way.  And he has three Motherless children (their Mother died of cancer years ago) who consider me "Mom".  I waited for what seemed like forever, but I found the one I was meant to be with and I will have my big family, my "house full of children" I'd always wanted.  And here's the clincher- I'm with my nieces and nephew so much and take care of them while my sister goes to work, I'm like a second Mother to them.  Now do the math... two sons + one former stepdaughter + two future stepdaughters + one future stepson + three nieces + one nephew = 10 children that are (or have been) "mine".  I had to wait 34 years, but I have been given my life's dream.  I believe that whatever higher power you believe in will give you exactly what you need to be happy with your life... you just might need a little patience.  All will work out for you in the end.