Other People Trying to Parent Your Child

[drouege]

So my son isnt even here yett and Ive already crushed my mother in laws dream of raising our son.

She had began shopping for a carseat and bassinet for her house. I didnt take her seriously until, I actually spoke with her and realized she doesnt want to be just a grandma, she wants a parenting role in his life. I have no problem with her being their, but Im not one of those ppl who push my child off on others either. I have no intent on my child sleeping at her house no time soon. Once he's older, fine. I dont even plan on our child being by her house without us.

I guess Its normal for her to want to keep him for periods of time. but just like she wants to be with him, so do I.

Is this normal.

My husband said dont pay her any mind, e has no intent on her being a part time parent either.

But i feel like if I dont  get it through her head now. Its gonna b to late and be a bigger situation than it shud be.

[GISDiva]

I think your worries are founded, boundaries are best drawn earlier rather than later.  Hopefully you can get your DH to understand that too, as you may be calling on him for backup!

[Quinalla]

Yup, set boundaries early and often regarding your children. I would tell your MIL that you think it is great she is so excited, but she should hold off buying anything as you plan to be pretty attached to your child for awhile and don't want her to waste her $$. BFing is a good "excuse" for someone being a pest about wanting to have your child over all the time. And yes, tell your DH he needs to be ready if MIL decides to push hard as you and he need to stand with each other on it, it's very easy to cave to your own parents even when you don't mean to!

[expat-mama]

WOW this sounds exactly like my MIL! Yikes. 

She would beg to change diapers and do a happy dance when she could! She was so disappointed that we didn't just give DS bottles and want him to stay overnight at her place ALL the time. In fact, because he was breastfeeding and never sleeping through the night, he actually didn't stay overnight with her until he was 2 years old. And even then I had to put him to sleep and come back super early in the morning. We had her babysit for a couple hours at a time sometimes.

I thought her behaviour was really strange at the time, but now that DS is older and we have had more time with her as a grandma a lot of things have become clear (her personal happiness depends on DS and DH entirely too much because of problems and failures in her own life and personal relationships) and we just recently had a big blow out over Christmas. MIL's crazy side when it comes to DS totally reared its ugly head. Fun times.

I totally agree with a PP- breastfeeding will be your saving grace and an easy excuse. And YES make sure you and your DH are totally on the same page and that he doesn't cave and give more than you are willing too. 

After that it'll just come down to setting really clear boundaries. You are the parents. One thing that I've found is so cool about becoming a mom is this new sense of strength that you get- YOU are the best and strongest advocate for a tiny person that can't speak or fight for himself. You are the best person to decide what he needs and what is best for him.

I think the older generation don't really get that with breastfeeding and attachment parenting, you can't just hand off the baby for days at a time (or even hours). And that's really different than the experience they had I think. I know my parents used to leave my sister and I with our grandparents for weeks! We certainly weren't attachment parented.

Anyway, good luck. It can be hard and honestly, at least with my MIL it hasn't gotten that much easier yet. And we have another baby coming. Baby-crazy grandmothers are a handful.

[devilish]

You guys are describing how my mother acted towards my brother and his wife. At one point, my mother was trash talking my sister-in-law in front of her 5 year old grandson. I told my mother if I ever heard her talk that way about my SIL in front of the children again, I wouldn't leave her alone with my children whenever I got around to having them.

In my mother's opinion, my brother and SIL were not raising their children in the hard core religious views that she felt was the only way in which to raise proper children. And because they weren't hover parents, they obviously didn't care about their children.

[BabySmurf]

My Mom was like this too - it was her first grandchild and she was just super excited.  She really really wanted to help out and perhaps revisit some of the things that she thought she did wrong with me that she could correct or try to help me navigate through.  It didn't help that my cousin had twins at the same time (our mothers are sisters) and my cousin is not a standard AP Mom, so the twins were spending the night at my aunts by about 4 months old, and my aunt was able to take the babies out anywhere any time.  It was just their style.  I am much more attached, and it was hard for my Mom to let go, even though she knew that I was right (and had no problem admitting it, and felt the same way about us when we were babies).  She wanted to be involved because she loves us and wants to be a part of our lives.  So while I agree with the PP's that it's essential to set boundaries and to set them early, remember that her actions are probably coming from a good place (unless she is a narcissists/abusive/manipulative, then you really need to be careful).  So I would try to be understanding about her offers and where she is coming from and to set clear boundaries.  I have found that having ongoing discussions helps because they are able to see where you are coming from and the growth that you have made.  I was lucky that my MIL was very understanding when DS was a baby, but she is getting a lot pushier with those types of things now that DS is 2, since in her mind he is "old enough" for certain things.  DS  is her 7th grandchild and she also has 5 great grandchildren, so she was great at understanding the "baby boundaries", but it's harder now.  So I guess my point is that there are some "tensions" that are going to be present throughout childhood, so the less you can make things personal now, the easier it will be in the long run.  And make sure that your DP is on board. 

[phathui5]

It's great that she's excited about the baby. Maybe you can help her channel that into her helping you instead of her watching the baby. If you get along well, you could ask her if she could help around the house postpartum, help by making meals, cleaning, etc. Let her know that you're not planning on having the baby go anywhere without you for a while and that if she wants to visit she can.

[spughy]

Originally Posted by phathui5 

It's great that she's excited about the baby. Maybe you can help her channel that into her helping you instead of her watching the baby. If you get along well, you could ask her if she could help around the house postpartum, help by making meals, cleaning, etc. Let her know that you're not planning on having the baby go anywhere without you for a while and that if she wants to visit she can.

  Was just going to say this.  My MIL was like that before the baby was born but totally turned into the most awesome post partum help anyone could have asked for.  I had a lot of difficulties breastfeeding and she came over and made us food and did laundry and walked the dog and stuff so I could sit on the couch and nurse and pump and nurse and pump. And she was more than happy to hold the baby so I could have decent showers.  I don't know what I would have done without her, and now that #2 is on the way, I am SO grateful that I have an enthusiastic MIL who is eager to be around the baby (and who knows that once the initial sort-stuff-out phase is over, there will be PLENTY of baby-cuddles in it for her).  She and FIL were a little sad that they didn't get to spend as much time holding and cuddling DD in the first few weeks as they wanted - but once DD was a little older and more interactive, that ceased to be such an issue.  Now they have a fantastic relationship with her.  Honestly, before I had DD I was really worried that they would want to "take over" parenting and push their preferred ways of doing things on me & DH - but that never happened, and I am really, really glad that they live in the same town as us and have such a great relationship with DD.  I never had any grandparents nearby when I was growing up and I never missed it until I saw how wonderful they were with DD.

Give your MIL a chance.  Ask her to do things for you.  You might find that having a baby is the best thing ever for your relationship with her - it certainly worked that way for me!

Edit to add: you may change your mind about the "part-time parenting" aspect later on too.  When I had to go back to work when DD was 11 mo and DH was still working on his doctoral thesis, he would take her over to his parents' place and work on his thesis there (it was conveniently close to the university as well) and he, MIL and FIL all took care of DD.  It worked out really well - she was happy and well cared-for and DH got his thesis done and MIL and FIL got to spend loads of time with her without feeling overburdened.  When DH graduated and got a job and I finished work, they asked if they could still have her one or two days a week - which let me become a post-partum doula myself and do for other people what MIL had done for me.   She still goes there once a week after school.  It's not them "taking over" parenting - it's them enjoying their relationship with her and I get a break to pursue my own interests (or catch up on chores, or just slack off) and everyone wins.  I'm a BIG fan of involved parents and parents-in-law.  You have to be a little bit flexible - I'm not a huge fan of the gobs of scented products MIL uses or the packaged food they eat, and if DD gets her clothing dirty at MIL's, it will come back to me washed with horrid scented detergent and I have to re-wash it - but in the grand scheme of things, these are minor quibbles and overall, our extended family works very well. 

[camprunner]

Sometimes it can be cultural too. I was (and to an extent still am) extremely offended that my IL's expected a parenting role.  They actually treated me like I didn't exist and should be able to do what they  wanted with my children. DH explained that part of it was that his grandparents lived just down the road from him and they did have a parenting role.  They disciplined (spanking :( ) and made decisions for him as if they were his parents.  I hated this and it is lucky that your dh is willing to agree with you.  I had to stand up to the IL's on my own but knowing where it was coming from did help a little.

[alaskanmomma]

I wish I had set boundaries before baby was here vs. dealing with the overbearing of my in-laws after... 

I'm very soft-spoken/people pleaser, but with going on baby #3, I just DGAF anymore if I hurt feelings when I say back off!

[BabySmurf]

I think that this is important too - you don't want to go "in" assuming the worst.  Many times having this kind of support is so, so, so good!!! Just remember that they can't read your mind, so the best thing is to be open and honest - and try to empathize with their emotions rather than looking at it as needing to defend your own. 

Originally Posted by spughy 

  Was just going to say this.  My MIL was like that before the baby was born but totally turned into the most awesome post partum help anyone could have asked for.  I had a lot of difficulties breastfeeding and she came over and made us food and did laundry and walked the dog and stuff so I could sit on the couch and nurse and pump and nurse and pump. And she was more than happy to hold the baby so I could have decent showers.  I don't know what I would have done without her, and now that #2 is on the way, I am SO grateful that I have an enthusiastic MIL who is eager to be around the baby (and who knows that once the initial sort-stuff-out phase is over, there will be PLENTY of baby-cuddles in it for her).  She and FIL were a little sad that they didn't get to spend as much time holding and cuddling DD in the first few weeks as they wanted - but once DD was a little older and more interactive, that ceased to be such an issue.  Now they have a fantastic relationship with her.  Honestly, before I had DD I was really worried that they would want to "take over" parenting and push their preferred ways of doing things on me & DH - but that never happened, and I am really, really glad that they live in the same town as us and have such a great relationship with DD.  I never had any grandparents nearby when I was growing up and I never missed it until I saw how wonderful they were with DD.

Give your MIL a chance.  Ask her to do things for you.  You might find that having a baby is the best thing ever for your relationship with her - it certainly worked that way for me!

Edit to add: you may change your mind about the "part-time parenting" aspect later on too.  When I had to go back to work when DD was 11 mo and DH was still working on his doctoral thesis, he would take her over to his parents' place and work on his thesis there (it was conveniently close to the university as well) and he, MIL and FIL all took care of DD.  It worked out really well - she was happy and well cared-for and DH got his thesis done and MIL and FIL got to spend loads of time with her without feeling overburdened.  When DH graduated and got a job and I finished work, they asked if they could still have her one or two days a week - which let me become a post-partum doula myself and do for other people what MIL had done for me.   She still goes there once a week after school.  It's not them "taking over" parenting - it's them enjoying their relationship with her and I get a break to pursue my own interests (or catch up on chores, or just slack off) and everyone wins.  I'm a BIG fan of involved parents and parents-in-law.  You have to be a little bit flexible - I'm not a huge fan of the gobs of scented products MIL uses or the packaged food they eat, and if DD gets her clothing dirty at MIL's, it will come back to me washed with horrid scented detergent and I have to re-wash it - but in the grand scheme of things, these are minor quibbles and overall, our extended family works very well.