The real question I've been meaning to ask « Back to Group Discussions

[littleBubu]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. In January I found out I was pregnant. He broke up with me. So for the past month I've been single. Yes I am angry at him but that's beside the point. We talk but things are changing. When I talk to him whether it's a good talk or not I get off the phone super angry or feeling super down. So I've decided to only communicate with him when I need to. Ex: after appointments,etc. His family which I've grown to fall in love with do call me to chit chat and talk about baby. Still my heart breaks every time. Baby daddy won't be able to see baby as much as you think. We live in Hawaii on two different islands. With the concern of me , baby, and father I'll take that one day at a time.

Question is... Has anyone gone thru a whole pregnancy without the daddy's support? And how do you get by when baby arrives? Do you give the daddy it's you'll be there for baby or not at all (no part time daddy)?

[letniaLynne]

I've never been through a pregnancy without some kind of support from the babies father but during the pregnancy of my second child my now exHusband asked me for a divorce when I was 5 wks pregnant. We did end up cobbling some sort of relationship together until he finally left for good when my dd2 was 16 months. But I do have an idea of what is to come for your future. What rights you have as the mom and what rights he had as the father.

You cannot decide just to keep him from seeing his child once they are born if he wants to see them. You can set up a reasonable schedule that takes into account the child's developmental stages but that is best done by talking to your ex and making a reasonable visitation plan that you both can agree to. Otherwise you may get a court judge that does not care at all if you are nursing your child and cosleeping and that judge could tell you that you have to give your 3 month over for weekend visitation overnights and your baby will just have to deal with it. This kind of stuff happens ALL THE TIME. It is truly scary!!! Like I said the best way to get what you need for your child is to play nice with your ex, hardball will only land you in court and for an Attatchment parenting mom that is your worst nightmare. Those judged only subscribe to mainstream thinking.

What worked amazingly for me was to do my own research and create a long term visitation plan that changed as my children grew up and were more capable to be basically with a sort of trusted stranger. You have to realize that when they are with your ex he is their parent and he makes the decisions on how to care for them ( ie cry it out during the night, what foods to feed them, how much tv, friends, activites etc) so creating a logical plan for many years to come will allow you to protect them during their time of most need.

One thing that was very important to me was the ability to exclusively breast feed until my youngest weaned. But you can't put that in court documents sadly it makes you look crazy in the mainstream world. So what I managed after many many hours of negotiations with my ex was for him to agree to no overnights until she was 3years old. This was a godsend and worth every bit of negotiation, I know I traded something else he wanted from our plan but honestly this was so important to me I just can't remember what it was lol. I also let my ex use my house for short (2hr) visits since we live 30 mins from anything. This allowed the kids a dinner time visit ( he would cook at my place) and if the little one needed to nurse he would text me and I would come grab her and then bring her back when she finished. This was something I did since he was not a crazy guy and I could trust him in the house. It did bother me to have him there but it allowed me to keep him happy and in turn he did not push for overnights.

I think I could go on about this for hours and hours!!! Lol I am still dealing with the stress of a "blended" family and trying to find my way through. In the next few months he wants to renegotiate our visitation plan which will be stressful but I know if I keep a clear head and avoid provoking him I can stay out of court and get the best agreement possible for the kids.

Hugs! I understand how hard this must be especially while pregnant. I would just keep the phone line open with your ex. Let him call if he wants but don't go out of your way to call him. The best advice I can offer after watching 5 of my friends the same age as me go through this sort if thing is if you start fighting with him then things will get crazy, expensive and end badly. But if you take the high road and bite your tounge while talking to him and then run to your friends to cry, vent, scream etc. you'll have the best chance of negotiating the best plan for you and your baby.

[cmu204]

LetniaLynne, you have put that beautifully. LittleBubu, if it does turn out that you and your ex end up in court, do not despair: many courts have mandatory mediation for custody disputes, which can be a great help in establishing a positive relationship with your co-parent.

[littleBubu]

Thank you thank you. Since we split I have not called him once. I wait for him to call me. I feel like it's easier on my emotions to not call him. We been split for a month now. And honestly we live a 30 minute airplane ride away. He has not been a jerk but he does have his moments. I basically have given up fighting with him-it's just too much for me...i get either too sad or too mad. And if i feel like i need to hang up on him i just do it. Eventually he'll call in the next few days-calmly.

I know we have a lot to talk about and decide together. We need to talk and figure things out. But like always he needs his time. And i will give him all the time that he needs.

What's rough is i have my moments when i want to scream at the top of my lungs at him. Then, moments where i can't help but cry my eyeballs out to him. Ugh!!!

One day at a time.

Thank you so much for your honesty. I was waiting for that.

[littleBubu]

She did put it so perfectly. I plan on keeping it positive. Being we don't live on same island. We just need to continue to stay positive. Sigh.....

[thefreckledmama]

With my first I was 20 with no involvement from her biological father besides the occasional calls demanding I have an abortion and then later on the threats he was going to have her taken away from me at birth. Yeah, he's a great guy.

My mom was a good support person and I had a few good friends that were supportive.

I chose to leave him off the birth certificate and go it alone. I have never, EVER regretted that decision. The measly financial support I MAY have gotten from him pales in comparison to the mess of trying to make an attempt at coparenting would have been.

I eventually married my ex husband who adopted my daughter, and is a great father to her.

That being said, sometimes guys just need time to absorb the idea of having a child and realize they have to grow up. But my feeling is and always will be that a man who doesn't want to be involved shouldn't be forced to-and that the financial support that can come from forcing a man to step up isn't always worth the headache that comes from them then being involved and allowed a say.

You don't need to spend your whole pregnancy fighting with anyone. If he wants to man up and be nice, awesome, but if he's going to be an ass and just be crappy to you, you don't need him, and he does not automatically deserve to get a say in any decisions you make about the baby.

[cmu204]

Freckledmama has a lot of positive advice. The only thing I want to remind you is to remember, legally, if he wants to be involved, he does have a right: judges are very serious about this because the right to raise one's is constitutionally protected.
(With the disclaimer of course that this is not legal advice, just telling you what I know.)

[littleBubu]

I agree. What's hard is his family is nice to me. He for the most part is nice to me. Well, he on and off with me. He has only mentioned the baby one time. One day he loves me, misses me, and still want to be with me and the next day it's a whole different story. I've decide to give him time--all the time he needs. I want to start enjoying being pregnant and stop worrying about what ever relationship we have.

I do plan on putting him on the birth certificate unless he ask me not to. I will give him a choice but there is no turning around. As for his family i will have them help with his decision. They do want to be a part of baby's life. I'm 13w3d pregnant today and we have some time. I have already made my decision to not mend things with him-but being a father to his child is a decision i can't make alone.