I don't know if I'll find any answers here. I looked at other forums and found no answers from other people's posts so I thought I'd request advice on my particular problem. My husband and I are both Catholic. We do our best to follow what God want for us. We have 3 children (5,3,2) and are pregnant with our 4th (our first boy). From the beginning of our marriage we were both open to children and accepted the responsibility to raise them to know God. After our first child we started to learn CCL. This didn't work very well for us as my cycle is VERY complicated and I have some medical issues that made the rules difficult to follow. We got pregnant with our second (22 months apart). While we hadn't "planned" it THROUGH NFP we were very happy. After this child we used Crieghton Method which was supposed to help with my cycle difficulties. I also started seeing a GYNO dr that believed in NFP. While still trying to figure out my cycle and being on TONS of different medications to regulate my cycle, I got pregnant again (18 month apart). Again we were slightly surprised but very happy. We continued to work on my cycle issues through Crieghton and with my dr, more medicines and more confusing charts. Each time, just when I think I'm starting to understand my charts I get pregnant. My charts show that I'm VERY fertile. I've come to worry whether I can trust my cycle and charts. I worry that even though I want to do the moral thing of, if we want to avoid pregnancy, to use God approved forms of methods that it just won't work.
I'm due with my 4th child in July. After a child I'm fertile pretty much every day. Following Crieghton that means no sex usually for around 6 months at least. This is difficult for my relationship with my husband. He's very understanding but we tend to grow slightly distant during this time without the physical intimacy of intercourse. Even when my cycle has leveled out as much as it will post baby we still can manage to have intercourse MAYBE 10 days out of the month. That doesn't mean we'll have sex 10 days; him, one of the kids or myself will be keep us from using one of those days.
In all honesty I was happy with only having 3 children, I've of course become very happy to have the baby inside me and look forward to his birth. I have a college degree and worked very hard for it and had planned to use it in a career. Once I was pregnant with my first I knew I was being called on to be a stay at home mom. I love it, its where I'm supposed to be right now. However I can't help but feeling that I'm in a never ending cycle that I have no say in. I feel like I must continue to have babies with no way of avoiding pregnancy except continued abstinence with my husband. Until I hit menopause, I feel like I will always be carrying babies, and messing with diapers, never being able to move to new phase in my life, never getting to really start a career.
I know so many women who have MANY kids and are so content and complete. Is it wrong if that may not be for me? But I feel like with my situation there is little else I can do. If it were allowed, I would sterilize myself. My husband has said if it were allowed he'd get a vasectomy simply because I've made many sacrifices with my body and medicine already. It feels hopeless and I feel like a terrible person for wanting it. I love being a mother and I think abortion or abortive means are not right but I wish there was a way to simply say "I will raise my children to love and honor God but I'm done having any more children." I have gone to a therapist, I pray every day, I've cried until my chest hurts.
Many of the comments here, I expect, will be telling me to open my heart to more children. I know that may be what God plans for me and I'm trying I guess but is there no other answer? My heart hurts daily from this conflict....