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March 2013 Chit Chat - Page 6

post #101 of 499

Funny how you ladies say your 30s seems so much easier in that sense. I always had a strong sense of self growing up and through my teen years. That has wavered a bit throughout my 20s, but I feel like I still know how to come back to myself. Katie, I hear you when you say you've always had this "mama"-ness inside of you. That's always been me. I don't struggle so much with "who am I without my kids" because this phase of life just feels very natural to me. Like this is the meat of my life, this is where the substance is, what I've been waiting for. It's not easy, but it is what I chose and where I want to be. My mom has always told me that her favorite age was her 30s, that was when she came into herself, really knew who she was and was able to stand by who and what she is. I can see as my 20s wind down that I'm coming into that too. I look forward to the next 2 decades honestly. I tell my husband all the time I can't wait until our 40s. The kids will be older, we'll have time for ourselves again and focus on our lives, retirement, etc. I love where I am, but I do still look forward to what's to come. 

 

Leaving tomorrow for a work conference. No one else from my school is going, but I did convince a close friend of mine who also works in my field to come with me. We're making a girls weekend out of it and I'm so excited!! Excited for the break, excited for the learning opportunities and excited to have some me time! 

post #102 of 499

*sigh* I can't wait for our short break away weekend too.  Soonish, as soon as my hubby is done working these next two weeks.  I need to get out... see something else.  I think it has to do with just feeling done with the rain and cold.  Yes, we had some sunshine, but it is that much harder when the rain returns for days on end. 

 

I have always had this 'mama'ness too.  I love being a mom, but it is hard too.  Sometimes I feel like I am drowning in changing diapers (because this kid poops a LOT), so many dishes (we have no dishwasher) and a house that looks like it puked up toys since Eli scatters them everywhere etc etc.  But I try to remember all those women out there who would give anything to have a baby whose diapers they can change, and a family whose dishes she can do.  Sometimes that helps me feel thankful - but it is still hard. I was feeling kinda depressed with the gloomy weather, so I bundled Eli up put him in his stroller, put on a hat and went for a long walk in the pouring rain.  I did feel better afterwards.

post #103 of 499
Amanda, lol, I was never young and hot to give that up. I was geeky and awkward and milk brain DID rreally upset my self image as being intelligent. But I was also a young mom. It's not something I would change, but I can certainly appreciate where I am now.

Kirsten, sorry about that. Certainly a hard one. Have you talked to your husband about it? Most men I've known don't respond well to the knowledge that their wife is into girls. The cynic in me wants to point out that if you were in a long term relationship with a woman, you could easily be celibate now. It's a common problem. I fully support you reaching out to the queer community. Many people have been in your situation and probably have much wiser words than I have. Good luck and feel free to PM me if you like.
post #104 of 499

Kirsten, you are an inspiration to see all of this in a positive way.  It is so hard, and I wish you the best on this journey.

 

Now that I am starting the march toward 40 years old, I can look back on the last 10 or 15 years and see that I have grown so much.  I am so much more comfortable with who I am, and I am better able to identify my struggles and where I want to improve.  I feel like all the bits and pieces of information I have gathered over the years are finally starting to coalesce and give me the confidence and direction I need.  And about the "momness", being a mom has completely and totally transformed my priorities -- not to mention my appearance! -- and my pre-mom self is a little lost, but I am fine with that for now.  When I had DD nearly six and a half years ago, I felt swallowed whole by her.  I gave up my true passion in life to be with her full time.  That was so hard and still is.  But I am grateful to have some perspective now that I didn't have when she was a baby:  Soon I will have more time to myself and be able to re-engage in those activities that used to identify me.  I am really looking forward to that. 

post #105 of 499

Oh man, I miss 24 hours of our DDC and the conversation gets heavy and complicated!  I think this is turning out to be one dramatic and trying year for many of the people here.  We are definitely having our fair share of struggles too.  When my dh got here from AR with the bus, he had stopped taking his meds and was starting to get a bit manic.  (he was having some awful throat pain, which he was sure was a side effect of one of his meds, so when he was all alone he stopped taking them to see)  Anyway, his parents flipped out, took him to get his meds and got him a little something extra (his dad is a dr., so he can prescribe meds) and totally knocked him out.  :/  The next day his dad found a new Psychiatrist, which they are paying out of pocket for, to figure out his med situation.  She is absolutely AWFUL, so now we are dealing with that and tomorrow we have to find a new dr.  His parents are basically holding us hostage here (very politely) until George is totally stable.  We were going to go to their other vacation house on Lake MI is WI, but they are thinking of all sorts of reasons why we can't go there yet..  Of course, we also have these puppies, which are a good and a bad thing.  We are making a good amount of money on them, which we really need, but they are also forcing us to stay put until they're all gone.  I'm so tired of living in other peoples houses with so little privacy.  At least my IL's are fairly easy to get along with and they are gone about 1/2 of the time (they own 3 houses and a sail boat in the BVI).  Blah, it's over-whelming and complicated!  I just want to get to the place where we plan on staying put until we settle in our own place, likely out of the country.  I'm done feeling transient and I'm sure my family and children are as well.  

 

While I don't have mommy identity issues per-say, I can say that while we've been traveling I have missed having my own schedules and creative outlets.  Things like gardening, crafts, friendships, maintaining our house, etc.  Now I pretty much only have cooking, kids and basic chores.  I miss having my things that make me me.  I don't have any real advice for those struggling with identity issues, all I can do is give some ::hugs::

 

There are worse things to lick than shoes.  Olivine sampled some litter box once.  Yuck!

 

I agree too, I'm enjoying my 30's much more than my early 20's in a lot of ways.  Particularly dating, which is just plain awful, I hope i never have to do that again!

 

I only have 2 puppies left to sell and I've gotten between $1000-$1500 for all of them, which is good!  It's a lot of work though, as most of the puppies so far have been shipped on an airplane.  That means they each need a crate, a vet check and a trip to the airport.  It's just non-stop fun around these parts.  Heh.

 

Nicole, you're hardly looking pregnant this time!

 

Coralie has a potty and will tell me AFTER she has pooped, but has never actually used the potty.  She also likes to point out poop (mostly from the puppies) and any tid-bit she finds on the floor that looks like poop.  'Poop' just never seems to get old with kids, it starts young and is still funny for AGES!

 

Did I mention that Coralie has had an awful cold w/high fever for a few days and now all the rest of my kids are getting it too?

 

Oh, and my hubby and I went to a GAPS certified dr this week that prescribed all sorts of 'alternative' mumbo-jumbo.  I hope some of it works, or my dh might blow a gasket with the amount of money that it cost!

post #106 of 499

Joanie, I hope you feel better soon!  I had the same thing with my left ear when I caught the flu in January.  I couldn't really hear a thing out of it, it hurt like all get-out, and it rang almost constantly.  It finally went away when my congestion cleared up.  I am sorry that I don't have any magic cure, but it eventually did get better with no residual problems.
 

post #107 of 499
I wonder if having kids at a younger age cause a bigger feeling of loss of identity? Or rather, I guess, never forming an identity.

I get it. I had no transition from being a child to having a child. I was never an adult with hobbies and interests and a job. I was a mom who tried to find time to have hobbies and interests. I actually loved my job and miss it, but I know that while it was compatible with having one child it's not with 3. Now that I am definitely done havig children I am terrified of the future because...well...who the hell am I anyways? I think a lot of women who have kids young feel that way.

I totally see myself in 7-10 years saying what I see a lot of you saying: my 30's seemed easier.

My first child will graduate when I'm 35.
post #108 of 499

Ash - I'm glad you could relate to what I was saying, I felt like I was rambling a bit there, ha. Oh, and I grew up in the Bay Area, too!

 

So many awesome insights into the whole identity question.  Thing is, we also live in this time/society that puts such a crazy emphasis on finding out WHO YOU ARE and being true to WHO YOU ARE and OMG DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.  I feel like every other Oprah magazine (I totally subscribe to the Oprah magazine it is WHO I AM) is like ARE YOU BEING TRUE TO YOURSELF?!?!?!???  And I get this panicky feeling every time like OH SH!T AM I BEING TRUE TO MYSELF?!?!? when really... it's ok that life has seasons and right now is the mama season for ALL of us cause we have SUCH tiny little ones and we all land somewhere on the AP spectrum and I don't think any of us would argue that AP requires a level of commitment from moms that isn't necessarily required with more "traditional" parenting.  Anyway, I have to keep telling myself that true insight into myself and what I want to be doing with my life will come from a calm, tranquil place and not a panicky one.  So I'm gonna stop having anxiety about stuff.  Tomorrow, probably.

post #109 of 499

Oh, and Kirsten, we cross-posted last time - thank you for opening up here, that sounds like a confusing and frustrating space for you.  I hope you get some clarity and insight, and like the others, I'm in awe of your attitude and honesty about everything.

post #110 of 499
I think I went straight from the crazy partying days to motherhood. I never had a chance to adjust to being a wife with a career and responsibilities since I found out I was pregnant 7 days before our wedding. DH and my's relationship has progressed very quickly... And now that we've done everything, we're going to have to adjust to simple, every day, mom and dad, job lives.
I've never seen myself as a mom, though I always knew I'd be one. I have to work really hard at it. I feel like, with how hard I have to work at it, that it wasn't what I was meant to be... But damn if I don't love my kid. Such a conundrum I'm constantly in.
I constantly day dream myself single, living in Spain, without a care in the world. If those day dreams are normal or not, who knows. I have no idea what my other mom friends think. They all seem totally content and happy where they are.
I still don't think I've completely given up on my pre mom life. I still see my single, kid less friends, though it's becoming less frequently as time goes on.
I feel like I'm jumbling my thoughts and not making a lick of sense.
post #111 of 499

Your not rambling.  It makes sense. 

 

Katie has a good point:

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by MrsKatie View Post
it's ok that life has seasons and right now is the mama season for ALL of us cause we have SUCH tiny little ones and we all land somewhere on the AP spectrum and I don't think any of us would argue that AP requires a level of commitment from moms that isn't necessarily required with more "traditional" parenting.  Anyway, I have to keep telling myself that true insight into myself and what I want to be doing with my life will come from a calm, tranquil place and not a panicky one.  So I'm gonna stop having anxiety about stuff.  Tomorrow, probably.

 

 

Its exactly right, really.  Some people live out their crazy, free, self-learning days in their 20's. My husband did. Some people (like me)  will have grown kids by 40, and be finding their other selves then.   I *could* go back to my job that I loved.  I struggled as a single teen mom to get that education and here I am not using it!  BUT, its not my priority.  I'm busy shaping these tiny human beings right now, and the ER and chaos and 12 hour shifts can wait. 

 

Kirsten-  I have been thinking about you a lot today.  I have absolutely no input, but I just thought you should know that you are on my mind, and I wish there was a magic answer that could put everything together for you.

post #112 of 499
I had my first at 22. In Ohio that's fairly common. In SF people acted like I was 14. In Ohio people have kids and lives simultaneously. In SF, people seem to have lives, then settle down and have kids. All the people I knew there had kids in their late 30s. I saw how tired they were and said I wasn't going to do that. I am way more tired this round of babies. When you're 22, you're the perfect age for pulling all nighters with babies. I compensated for the queer invisibility by jumping deeper into the community, it bugged me a lot at the time but didn't really change who I was.

Katie, I think we live in a fairly selfish culture and it's not really all about us. I think we have to be true to ourselves on a fundamental level and live the things that are important to us, but I don't think there's some grand deep self we have to find. I think being true to myself was learning to say no to some of the requests that came my way. Learning to say yes to things I was more interested in. Stop being embarrassed about the things I love. I love gardening, so I made space in my life for it - I had 2 babies last year and didn't have the energy to plant a garden but I have indoor plants and I've enjoyed the farmer's market more than before. I hate drinking, so I say yes to friends for earlier evenings or lunches. I adore math, sewing, origami and trivia and I'm old enough not to care who knows it.
post #113 of 499

I had my first two at 21 and 24. Definitely more energy! Easier pregnancies, easier to not sleep. But I have soooo much more patience no. Tons of patience. I used to get so frustrated when my girls wouldn't sleep, would be cranky, etc. Now I'm like, ahhh Jasper will sleep one day. No biggie. Ha. So I'd say it's a trade off for me. Also, my first will graduate high school when I am 38. My dh's first will graduate when he is 38. When Jasper graduates, we will be 49 and 53. That cracks me up. 

post #114 of 499
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

Katie, I think we live in a fairly selfish culture and it's not really all about us. I think we have to be true to ourselves on a fundamental level and live the things that are important to us, but I don't think there's some grand deep self we have to find. I think being true to myself was learning to say no to some of the requests that came my way. Learning to say yes to things I was more interested in. Stop being embarrassed about the things I love. I love gardening, so I made space in my life for it - I had 2 babies last year and didn't have the energy to plant a garden but I have indoor plants and I've enjoyed the farmer's market more than before. I hate drinking, so I say yes to friends for earlier evenings or lunches. I adore math, sewing, origami and trivia and I'm old enough not to care who knows it.

 

Yes, I was thinking the same thing.  Totally agree with the above and with Katie.  Last night as I was doing the dishes, I was thinking about this conversation.  Our family loves reading the Laura Ingalls Wilder books out loud to each other.  I was thinking about Ma Ingalls and how I can't imagine her ever fixating on an identity crisis in the "Oprah" sense of an identity crisis:  Being true to yourself, finding your true self, etc.  (This is very different from having strong and possibly conflicting feelings about sexuality...that is not what I am talking about here.)  Our culture has become so self-centered and indulgent, and I personally dislike the focus in media that moms cannot be happy or should be somehow dissatisfied with motherhood.  Where is this all coming from? 

 

Ma Ingalls was too busy setting up home for the millionth time, being resourceful, washing, mending, cooking, baking, farming, etc. while achieving and setting very high standards for her family.  She was who she was, and I think if someone had asked her, "Now, Ma, are you being true to YOURSELF?  Hmmmm????", she would have thought that was crazy, and I imagine she would have felt immense contentment with her life's daily rhythm and accomplishments.  I just love Ma Ingalls!

post #115 of 499

Wellllll.... while I do agree that we live in a selfish culture, I also believe it is okay to struggle with your identity. I mean, maybe not in an Eat, Pray, Love kind of way. But I think it is completely valid to want or need an identity outside of motherhood. Almost no one would expect a man to be satisfied by defining himself as a father and homemaker. And true, worrying about your identity is something typically done by those with the leisure and privilege to do so. But, that does not mean it isn't okay. 

post #116 of 499
Lol, I wasn't trying to imply that it's not ok to want an identity outside of motherhood. I didn't think it could even be taken that way. I think Ma Ingals is a work of fiction from the perspective of a child, right? I only read one of the little house books. But I do think that the majority of the world gets by with the hand they're dealt. And I think there is a lot of money to be made by people trying to convince us we need things. From shampoo to a certain identity to how to make our children behave and sleep through the night.

I think much of feminism says that it's ok to want to be more than a parent. Someone has a book out now saying that the reason we're unhappy and confused is because feminism took our roles away from us. Lol.

The best advice my dad ever gave me, when I was 14 and frustrated because I felt like everyone had it all figured out but me, "Everybody's faking it." No one has it all figured out. That hit home in a really profound way for me every time I revisited the challenges I faced.
post #117 of 499

That totally reminds me, I've decided that all shampoos suck. All of them. I have a collection of shampoos I've given up on. Seriously, is it that hard to not dry out my scalp and not cause my hair to look greasy in 12 hours?! Clearly, someone needs to be spending even more money on this problem!! 

 

Also unrelated, Jasper had a stomach bug this week. He stayed home with dh yesterday and seemed fine, so we sent him to daycare today. Literally 20 min after I drop him off I get a call saying he has pooped everywhere. Covered in poop. It was even all over the poor dcp's shoes. I'm pretty sure that's a parenting fail. 

post #118 of 499
Quote:
Originally Posted by seraf View Post

Lol, I wasn't trying to imply that it's not ok to want an identity outside of motherhood. I didn't think it could even be taken that way. I think Ma Ingals is a work of fiction from the perspective of a child, right? I only read one of the little house books. But I do think that the majority of the world gets by with the hand they're dealt. And I think there is a lot of money to be made by people trying to convince us we need things. From shampoo to a certain identity to how to make our children behave and sleep through the night.

I think much of feminism says that it's ok to want to be more than a parent. Someone has a book out now saying that the reason we're unhappy and confused is because feminism took our roles away from us. Lol.

The best advice my dad ever gave me, when I was 14 and frustrated because I felt like everyone had it all figured out but me, "Everybody's faking it." No one has it all figured out. That hit home in a really profound way for me every time I revisited the challenges I faced.


Love it.  Yes, yes, and yes.  But I still love Ma Ingalls (even if she is the semi-product of historical fiction!).

 

And agree with Amanda.  Of course, it's realistic and normal and expected and totally okay to question who we are and try to figure it all out.  Maybe it's where I live, but people do seem a little self-obsessed.  But, yes, I totally agree with you! 

post #119 of 499
How often are you washing your hair, Amanda? When mine gets so long I have to wash it more than twice a week, I cut it off.

That stomach bug was just nasty.

Anthea, some cultures value stoicism much more than others, so I'm sure there are people who don't complain about living in a country song. But I assume most adults shelter their children from their own hardships where they can. I know my kids think I'm a lot more badass than I really am.
post #120 of 499
Interesting conversation, friends. I'll try to jump in more fully tomorrow. I mostly post from my phone, and that's tough for me to get really wordy and thoughtful.

DH was away in the city all day and evening so I had to do dinner and bedtime by myself, which I don't do very often. But it went mostly smoothly, and I feel rather accomplished! He was going to spend the night, but decided to come home, which is nice.
Good night!
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