March 2013 Chit Chat - Page 5 « Back to Group Discussions

[dashley111]

Oh it gets so much grosser than licking shoes!

[ZippyGirl]

How are you all planning to night wean?  I would love Bode to night wean, but I don't know how to do it.  I didn't night wean DD.  She just started sleeping through the night and on her own at about 2.5 years. 
 

[CDsMom1031]

Here's some fun. The one on the left is me with Conner at 12w5d. The right is me today at 13w.

Conner night weaned really young... He started STTN at like, 8 weeks...

[KayPea]

Originally Posted by seraf 

Is that the grossest thing yet? Lol. Shay went through a licking phase where he kicked everything. The ground, doors, shoes, people, dogs.

Kirsten, how is it going?

Oh, you know. Roof is leaking in five places, and the landlord says he'll get it fixed - by summer. We had to do $1000 in repairs on the car the day after DH quit his job with an emotionally abusive boss, we're having marital struggles, I'm having identity struggles, financial struggles, roommate struggles, mold, rodents, unemployment....

These are all true, but I am kind of joking with the doomy gloominess. I'm loving living here more than ever, I'm working through some old baggage and feel lighter, I have some exciting projects ahead of me - forming a farmers market here, crafty stuff, garden - and the kids are great, healthy, adorable, sweet, smart. I have a lot going on, but for the first time in 4 years I don't feel like its pulling me down.

Thank you for asking, Sara. I sometimes feel a little on the outside of this group because I can't often participate fully in the conversations.

How's the settling in going? Moving is so hard with littles.

[Autumnshades]

Oh Kirsten I am sorry to hear about your struggles. I can so relate with the financial struggles part of your post.... We filed taxes and my husband just said he couldn't believe we lived of how little he made last year :(at least we will get a small refund.

I am supper envious of the market/crafty part of where you live... I love a good market . Are you guys just going to stay put? Does your dh have any leads on a job? Sending you a *hug*. Hopefully the rain will get less so the roof leaks less...bring on the spring sunshine, an instant mood lifter.

[dashley111]

Your attitude is amazing Kirsten. That alone will help you get through every single struggle you face. I wish I could have that outlook sometimes! What kind of crafty things are you putting together?

[seraf]

Kirsten, I remembered you saying you needed your own space and then that Oren is in the baby room, so I wondered if things had changed. I assume we all have bigger issues than our babies' sleep habits that we don't talk about. As far as I'm concerned, you can talk as fully as you need to. What kind of identity struggles are you working through? Feel free to not answer if you don't want to.

Regarding the move, ugh, I'll see your leaky roof, unemployment, financial challenges, rodents, mold and raise you plumbing problems, a busted floorboard and mass chaos where organization is concerned. We don't seem to have a fork in the house and the boys are wearing the kids' socks today. It's still all new and exciting for us, which makes it all more bearable. The boys' anxiety peaked in day 2. They're still fussy but less of the screaming, night wakings and sad calls for bye bye (I can't even imagine the challenging behaviors foster parents face after seeing my kids do this with a mere scenery change). The kids come home today, so I expect that will calm the babies but they will have fresh issues of their own. They can talk at least, so hopefully it will be easier.

[TalkToMeNow]

Kirsten, I think their is something special about having a 3 yo and 1 yo. I went through a major identity crisis when my kids were that age. Of course, in my case, my marriage ended shortly after. But I just remember feeling like I had no identity at all... that I had made my entire life about raising babies, cooking, cleaning, taking care of everyone... I had no identity outside of that. Not that you feel this way, just that I can relate to the identity crisis. 

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by TalkToMeNow 

Kirsten, I think their is something special about having a 3 yo and 1 yo. I went through a major identity crisis when my kids were that age. Of course, in my case, my marriage ended shortly after. But I just remember feeling like I had no identity at all... that I had made my entire life about raising babies, cooking, cleaning, taking care of everyone... I had no identity outside of that. Not that you feel this way, just that I can relate to the identity crisis. 

Eugh you are the first person I have ever seen say that!  And I feel that way all the time, and I feel bad about it. 

That is great insight.

[birdhappy85]

I'm thinking of everyone who is having struggles right now! 

I need advice on this inner ear infection of mine. I've been on antibiotics for 6 days now. I expected my ear to open up and drain by now! I'm desperate for relief. I looked online to see how long it can take, and I've read all sorts of things that are saying abx won't drain the ear... so what the heck, how is this fluid going to release??? I'm very frustrated and terrified of permanent hearing loss. I hear ringing 24/7 and can't hear well; the ear feels so full. That's been going on for at least 9 days now. I lay on my right side in hopes the infected left ear will drain inward since I've read it will not drain outward. I've done a heating pad. I really have no idea what to do. 

[dashley111]

How irritating! The body has a lot of natural responses to things- so try not to worry about permanent hearing loss. Chances are your membrane would naturally rupture if there were enough fluid to compress the inner ear extremely enough to cause hearing loss. I would stick with the heat pack, and make sure to get it not just on the ear but behind the ear. Try applying heat while pulling (gently) up and back on the ear- it opens up the ear canal. Also, don't tilt the head so the ear is completely down, but slightly back and down.

[TalkToMeNow]

Originally Posted by dashley111 

Eugh you are the first person I have ever seen say that!  And I feel that way all the time, and I feel bad about it. 

That is great insight.

I think it is normal to feel that way, and I think it is a discussion that could go on forever... I think some women are, for whatever reason, better with having their identities completely tied to their children. I think that for many, many of us, we start to wonder, "Who am I without them?" 

Originally Posted by birdhappy85 

I'm thinking of everyone who is having struggles right now! 

I need advice on this inner ear infection of mine. I've been on antibiotics for 6 days now. I expected my ear to open up and drain by now! I'm desperate for relief. I looked online to see how long it can take, and I've read all sorts of things that are saying abx won't drain the ear... so what the heck, how is this fluid going to release??? I'm very frustrated and terrified of permanent hearing loss. I hear ringing 24/7 and can't hear well; the ear feels so full. That's been going on for at least 9 days now. I lay on my right side in hopes the infected left ear will drain inward since I've read it will not drain outward. I've done a heating pad. I really have no idea what to do. 

I do not have any natural remedies/ advice other than that warm ear oil. Garlic and willow or something?? But I know Jasper's doctors said that his ear infection will not go away until the accompanying cold/ sinus issues clear up. So he was prescribed a steroid nasal spray (I know, icky!) to help with that. Do you have any other nasal/ sinus symptoms? Also, Ash is right that your eardrum would rupture (and heal) if there was too much pressure. And finally, I've done some research recently due to Jasper's 2+ month long ear infection... as far as I can tell, permanent hearing loss is only an issue with a chronic (months and months or even years) infection. Hopefully that makes you feel a bit better! I know it did for me. Dh and I were both worried about Jasper's hearing.

Related, though, I read that the ear infections can muffle sound significantly. So now we are wondering if there is a connection between that and the fact that he doesn't talk at all... He can hear, but perhaps not as clearly as he needs to in order to repeat sounds?? Who knows...!

[CDsMom1031]

As a chronic ear infection kid, I sympathize tremendously with you right now. I used to put swimmer's ear drops in my ears when they were full of fluid. You can buy them almost anywhere, super cheap. Did you have your doctor flush your ear out? That was always a little piece of heaven for me. I'd feel so much better.

I'll have a 3yo and 1yo sooner than later... I already feel like I'm no longer Nicole... I'm Conner's mom... Or Jeremy's wife.

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by CDsMom1031 


I'll have a 3yo and 1yo sooner than later... I already feel like I'm no longer Nicole... I'm Conner's mom... Or Jeremy's wife.

In my experience, it goes away a bit when the become older and more independent. You get more time to be you.

Then you have a kid like Bettie, who steals your identity, your time, and your soul...and you start ALL over again! Lol.

[seraf]

Lol, not to make light of the identity issue, I felt a lot more of that stuff in my 20s than I do in my 30s. My biggest challenge was that my kids made me invisible in the queer community (huge part of my identity before they came along, it didn't go away just because I had kids, but my relationship changed) My identity has evolved and I now have way more parents in my community, but I feel like I'm still me. Having These last 2 babies didn't rock my world nearly as much as the first two. I think part of the ease is that I'm so much older now. It's weird how much easier 32 is than 28.

[jhsmama11]

The identity issue is an interesting one, I sure feel for each of you.

I wonder about the impact of our ages, kind of like Sara mentioned. I had all of my 20s to develop my identity (although it's ever evolving) and didn't get around to marrying or having J until my 30s, so I feel like I have a fairly strong sense of personal/professional identity. I'm all to happy to give up some of that to add "mom" to my identity and my struggle now is whether I'm mom enough (mostly having to do with working/balancing professional vs personal life).  

[KayPea]

Thanks everyone, I'm sorry that everyone who posted is having difficulties, but it's comforting to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. I am definitely feeling the "just a mom" thing going on, I don't think I really had a chance to totally figure myself out before having kids, because I hadn't totally gotten over art school when I got pregnant. And "not an artist" does not an identity make. Though I do now self-identify as artist, because I've spent the last few years coming to terms with that, even though I haven't done much artistically since having kids... Anyway...

This is really personal stuff coming up, and I'm just warning you in case you don't want to know this much about me. But I'd like to share, because I am fairly bursting with this stuff right now, and don't have too many outlets. 

My main struggle now is my identity as a bisexual woman in a long-term hetero relationship, and this is where the marital troubles come in too. DH and I have been together since I was 16, and while I was experimenting with my sexuality then, I didn't really realize that I was bi until my early 20's. And now, well, I love my husband, I really do, but we don't have the most scintillating sex life (as I've shared). And we're an awesome team, we genuinely like each other, we are great parents together, we have made this life together, but. But. And so I am wondering who I am really, and if I can fit this identity into my life now, or change my life to fit my identity, and oh, I am confused. And I really would like to reach out to the queer community, but boy that's scary. I kind of feel like a fraud, you know? 

Thanks for being a space where I can share these things. I do really feel positive about all of it though, as confusing and scary as it all is, because I feel like I am moving forward, being honest with myself.  I have to run, but I'll be back later. 

[MrsKatie]

I don't talk about this much, here or in real life, but for me the biggest identity crisis of my life happened after I got sober several years ago.  That's a struggle for me still; from the age of 15 I began to identify myself as this wild & crazy thing and I maintained that persona until just a few years ago.  So much of my self-worth was tied in to appearing young and hot and available.  And fun-loving and the life of the party.  So I had the identity crisis much worse a few years ago, and while I was pregnant too, and I am by no means past it but it remains an inquiry, albeit a less desperate one as I settle into this more stable life.  I often glorify those old days though, it's amazing how one can forget the agony of living a destructive lifestyle once one has made it safely to the other side.  I've stumbled upon journal entries that are barely readable because I'm scrawling ramblings about how maybe I've overdosed this time and what if I die.  Anyway.  Oops I think sh*t just got real...

I also have to say, growing up I always felt an inner "mama" identity, so this phase feels natural in a very deep and fulfilling way.  Which is NOT to say I don't still struggle with (often very intense) anxiety and questions about what the bleep I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but that anxiety feels like a conditioned response more than an actual life dilemma, does that make sense?  I have lots of deeply-buried crap I'm still processing because I shoved it down for so many years.  But all those years I was going crazy and risking my life I always just wanted to be living the life I am now, so the identity shift didn't feel radical when it actually happened.  Now it feels like the task before me is to deal with the anxiety, not change my life circumstances, kwim?  Like years ago I had to change my life/behavior, but now the anxiety itself is just this incessant, relentless by-product that I've got to tackle.

Nicole - crazy the difference between pregnancy #1 and #2!

Joanie - good luck with the ear infection!

[dashley111]

Originally Posted by MrsKatie 

I don't talk about this much, here or in real life, but for me the biggest identity crisis of my life happened after I got sober several years ago.  That's a struggle for me still; from the age of 15 I began to identify myself as this wild & crazy thing and I maintained that persona until just a few years ago.  So much of my self-worth was tied in to appearing young and hot and available.  And fun-loving and the life of the party.  So I had the identity crisis much worse a few years ago, and while I was pregnant too, and I am by no means past it but it remains an inquiry, albeit a less desperate one as I settle into this more stable life.  I often glorify those old days though, it's amazing how one can forget the agony of living a destructive lifestyle once one has made it safely to the other side.  I've stumbled upon journal entries that are barely readable because I'm scrawling ramblings about how maybe I've overdosed this time and what if I die.  Anyway.  Oops I think sh*t just got real...

I also have to say, growing up I always felt an inner "mama" identity, so this phase feels natural in a very deep and fulfilling way.  Which is NOT to say I don't still struggle with (often very intense) anxiety and questions about what the bleep I'm supposed to be doing with my life, but that anxiety feels like a conditioned response more than an actual life dilemma, does that make sense?  I have lots of deeply-buried crap I'm still processing because I shoved it down for so many years.  But all those years I was going crazy and risking my life I always just wanted to be living the life I am now, so the identity shift didn't feel radical when it actually happened.  Now it feels like the task before me is to deal with the anxiety, not change my life circumstances, kwim?  Like years ago I had to change my life/behavior, but now the anxiety itself is just this incessant, relentless by-product that I've got to tackle.

Yes, yes, and yes.  And yes some more.

I have absolutely nothing to add, but I'm shaking my head yes at the computer screen.  SO....yes.

[TalkToMeNow]

Sara, age is huge for me. When I was 25, I had a 4 yr old and 18 mo. I was like WTF?! Who am I? I should be young and hot. 32 is much easier. I'm just more settled. I think, for me, working also gives me an outlet. I'm quite comfortable with my identity these days.

Kirsten, sexuality was a huge thing for me. I was mostly with women before my xh. After we divorced, I was exclusively with women until my last partner transitioned. And that still counts as queer (it's in the rulez!!) so that was a six year, full time stretch in my late 20s. Now I am totally straight appearing, married to a bio man. I'm totally okay with that. It's not a huge thing anymore. But, if I hadn't had the experiences I did, I would seriously not be okay with it. I don't know what I would do in you situation if I had your feelings. So tough, and I am sorry! Some people have success with open relationships. I couldn't do it, but plenty do. So many things to weigh.