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Really want to move past anger

post #1 of 7
Thread Starter 

I am really wanting to move past being upset with x. Talk well of him when he's not around.  But never go back.  Any one got any advise on how you learned to get along with x.  We have to work together for many years yet to raise these kids.

post #2 of 7

Things that I have found helpful:

 

Distance and time: it really helped me to communicate on an "as needed" basis. This meant that I had to let go of controlling his time with the kids. This wasn't too difficult to do, as he didn't have them much. Accepting that my kids aren't an extension of me is one of the hardest things I've done, especially as they get older and have their own ideas about things.

 

Be present-focused as much as possible: My ex did a lot of really awful things that sucked and hurt me very much. I still live in the fallout of some of them.  It's quite unfair. However, when I focus on that, it prevents me from enjoying what is right in front of me. He isn't actively doing anything these days to hurt me. I don't want to spend all of my time and energy being A Survivor -- I want to live. It doesn't hurt him in the slightest when I focus on Past Wrongs -- it only hurts me.

 

Gratitude. Appreciating and accepting what I do have with gratitude has helped immensely. I've trapped myself in states of obsession with "how things should be" and it only made me miserable. This is not the same thing as resignation, and it can coexist with striving.

 

Write it out. I've only recently come to this, and it has helped even more than just talking it out. Mind you, I had to go through a phase of telling other people the breadth and depth of the abuse too; it was essentially that I stop hiding it. But writing it out and especially noting the places where I kept myself stuck in things has been helping further and I feel free than before.
 

post #3 of 7

Acceptance is the big one I struggle with.
 

post #4 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

Acceptance is the big one I struggle with.
 

 

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by provocativa View Post

Acceptance is the big one I struggle with.
 


It's definitely a process rather than an event. And it comes and goes.

post #5 of 7
Thread Starter 

Im trying to speak well of their father, even when they are not in ear shot.  But it hard.  Then they look at you like if he's so nice, why are you getting divorced?

post #6 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingstrength View Post

Im trying to speak well of their father, even when they are not in ear shot.  But it hard.  Then they look at you like if he's so nice, why are you getting divorced?


I think there's a difference between letting go of anger and getting all the way to speaking well of. I usually say, "We have an okay co-parenting relationship now, but it was tough at first and there were very good reasons for the split that I won't go into now. Time has passed and we've both changed a lot."

post #7 of 7
Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingstrength View Post

Im trying to speak well of their father, even when they are not in ear shot.  But it hard.  Then they look at you like if he's so nice, why are you getting divorced?

 

Dude, it's one thing to make sure you keep your thoughts to yourself in front of the kids, but no one ever said you had to do that when they're not around. You can let go of anger without lying to yourself and other people.

 

Honestly it just takes time. With enough time and distance the feelings lose their intensity. Just give yourself a break.

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