How (are you?) going to take care of yourself after birth? « Back to Group Discussions

[OtherMother]

Hi, ladies. I hope it's okay I'm starting yet another thread, but I want to hear from you all!

When I consider what I'm anxious about with this pregnancy, it's not so much the birth (I have this awesome faith in my body/baby, and that this is going to be an amazing experience) but the postpartum period (which I have so little control over, it often seems.)

With DD I could just rest and nurse for as long as I needed- I barely got out of our big comfy bed for the first month. It was lovely, and we got off to an awesome awesome start.

It's not going to be so easy this time! DD1 is 4.5, and man, is she a handful. I mean, she's a super sweet kid, and so caring, but she is also very egocentric (probably normal for her age) and STRONG LIKE BULL. When she's mad, you KNOW IT. 

DP is going to have to return to work very soon after the birth, and my mother, though awesome, has two school aged kids of her own, lives an hour away, and hates to sleep away from home. MIL has physical issues, is out of touch with my philosophies on most things, and tends to suck the life out of me.

In anticipation of these issues (and considering I'm an hour from family/friends) I'm trying to set up a safety net so I don't end up with PPD. Only half kidding there- I'm feeling it's a very real possibility. DD1 overwhelms both DP and I now- I am the "main parent", so to speak, and I also handle all the food- what kind, how healthy, etc. 

What I really need is A.) semi-consistent childcare for a few weeks to a month and B.) someone to take care of meals (and bring me tea!) That's about it.

So, I'm trying to set that up. I'm trying to get a 'schedule' without dates together- of who's going to be available for what, when. I'm speaking with a couple low-cost PP doulas, and trying to save up and co-ordinate summer childcare.

I'm curious though- for those of you with other children- how are you planning on nurturing yourself back to health? And for those of you having your first as well. What do you consider most important in healing/recovery? How much do you put on yourself in those first weeks/month/s? What's your support team looking like?

[Quinalla]

Psh, start as many threads as you want, that's what keeps it fun in here

My support is going to be DH as much as he can (he is going to take his full parental leave this time + vacation if needed, probably spread out some). He will continue to handle dinner (he cooks almost 100% of the time on weekdays when we don't get carry out) and will just help wherever he can. DD is going to go to daycare 3 full days a week, so that I can have some time alone with the twins and she can have some time with all of us too. She really thrives there and I think she would be bored out of her mind if she was staying at home with me every day. My Mom is going to come as much as I need her, she is an awesome help, will even do night duty and is willing to do whatever chores, cooking, etc. is needed. She does live far (5 hours) and can't be there all the time, but I figure a week here a long weekend there and so on. Beyond that, since it will be spring/summer, I plan to make myself get out and go to parks, the zoo, the library, etc. Also, my next door neighbor who has a son who is probably close to 2 now is a SAHM, so I plan to try and hang with her some and get to know her better. Our kids play occasionally on the weekends and weeknights outside and she is nice, so I figure that can grow a bit while I'm on maternity leave.

MIL & FIL will come for a week or long weekend at some point. They are pretty helpful, but not like my Mom who is a super helper, but it will be nice regardless. I'm hoping some of my siblings can come too, they all are the willing to pitch in a help types and it is always great to see them. They are all pretty busy though, so I'm not expecting anything, just hoping they can make it

I also know the LLL info, so I may go to those meetings and I've signed up for some Mom's of Multiples local groups, but I don't have time to attend stuff right now, but I figure at least I have some points of contact if I need them. I've also looked up some doulas that do post-partum care and will be making an easy to reference list if I find myself needing their services.

I didn't have PPD last time, but I definitely was very overwhelmed and except when my Mom & DH were around, I was pretty isolated (it was winter too), so I'm looking to set myself up better this time! I know it will be harder with twins, but I also figure if I can get my butt out the door, I'll also get that positive twin attention too so that should help

[pastormama]

This is a great thought. Like you, I'm much more anxious about postpartum/tiny infant stage than about the remainder of pregnancy and birth.  I don't know if I'm just still remembering the trauma that becoming a parent was for me, or what.  We had breastfeeding difficulties that required a lot of trips out of the house from day 1, my DH and I were aligning our philosophies, my baby just screamed a lot (and still does, as a very intense 2-year-old), etc.  A lot of that won't be the same as it was last time, and yet there will be new issues that I can't predict.  

My DH is a SAHD now (wasn't last time), so that makes a huge difference.  I get eight weeks' paid leave, so it will be the both of us at home for about two months, along with DD.  My ILs are really helpful and supportive, and will probably take DD overnight several times during that time.  I'm hopeful to not leave the bed for at least a week, except to pee, etc.  Also, a big issue with me from our first birth was the constant stream of visitors.  We also had relatives staying with us.  (DH is extremely extroverted and social and saw nothing wrong with this.  He wanted to share the joy!  I'm the opposite and it caused me a lot of anxiety.)  So, I'm trying to really limit the visiting.  

I've been feeding the freezer for a while, and have a group of friends who have offered to bring meals for awhile.  I may have to compromise on the quality of what we eat, but it will be worth it to stay off my feet.

Also, yesterday we had our baby shower, and several relatives went in together to get us eight weeks of housekeeping!!!  My dream!  My MIL did this after DD was born, and it was the hands-down the most relieving thing for me.  

[TwilightJoy]

My DH only gets a week off work once this babe gets here, so I've had several female family members offer to come stay with us. Do you think I'll want that? I'm thinking I'll love the help with cooking and cleaning (DH doesn't really do either of those things), but I'm also wondering if I'll miss alone time with DH if we have someone else in the house with us.

They live out of state, so if they're here visiting they'll have to stay with us, coming over during the day when DH is at work isn't an option.

Thoughts?

[BabySmurf]

Gah, I'm actually trying hard not to focus on this too much!! My DH will get two weeks off, tops (and will likely still be on call during that time).  He's thinking about trying to stagger the time, so he's off for a week, then works two days the next week, three the next, and back to full time after that.  For him full time is at least 12 hour days, many times longer.  I'm a bit intimidated.  I asked my Mom if she could take some time off of work to help out, but they've got two boys still at home (teenagers, but still reliant on her a bit).  So she will be around as much as she can, which will be awesome - I just don't know how much time she can really take because both my parents have needed and will need to take time off to care for my sick grandmother.  So I can't rely on her help 100%.  My MIL will be helpful, but she is of the personality type to drain me of energy.  She will want to take DS out and about, which I am sort of okay with, but I'm not entirely comfortable with her judgement - plus she likes to be sneaky and secretive with her other grandchildren and that makes me really uncomfortable.

Anyway, I am trying to freeze as many meals as possible (not that I have a huge freezer), making grocery lists and lists of farms/contact info for the places I usually get our food (DS and I have food issues, so it's pretty important that we don't stray too far from our typical diet).  I'm also trying to accumulate an array of toys that DS will be able to entertain himself with a bit.  Well, at two, he doesn't entertain himself a whole heck of a lot, but there are some types of things that require less interaction than others.  I''m also going to put together a "big brother kit" of things he can use to help. 

I'm also hoping that this birth goes a lot smoother than DS's did - I cracked my tailbone pushing him out, and that made the healing process take a LOT longer than it would have otherwise.  It was really hard for me to move a lot for a long time after he was born.  So I am looking a lot at birthing positions to try in case she is in an awkward position like DS was...to prepare for the "worst", I will have several "stations" set up around the house with bottles of water, dry snacks, and other things that will come in handy so I don't have to move a ton.  (I'll also make a list of these things so that my "helpers" can help replenish those stations).  I feel like I am going overboard with lists, but it's making me feel a little more control over the situation.  I cannot overemphasize how thirsty I was right after birth (and actually for a while afterwards) I'm not a huge fan of bottled water (hate the plastic, hate the fact that they are single use), but it will be much, much needed to at least have something accessible all the time. 

So yeah, making sure that food is available, that DS has toys to play with, and to have things scattered around the house to make them more accessible.  Those are my biggies.  And to get as much of our general organizing done *now* as possible so that things can run as smoothly as possible.  ::sigh:: those first few weeks are going to be tough!

[BabySmurf]

Originally Posted by TwilightJoy 

My DH only gets a week off work once this babe gets here, so I've had several female family members offer to come stay with us. Do you think I'll want that? I'm thinking I'll love the help with cooking and cleaning (DH doesn't really do either of those things), but I'm also wondering if I'll miss alone time with DH if we have someone else in the house with us.

They live out of state, so if they're here visiting they'll have to stay with us, coming over during the day when DH is at work isn't an option.

Thoughts?

For me, having in house guests is always tough because it totally throws me off, and I feel like I need to entertain them (with the exception of my Mom).  So it would depend on how you usually feel about having guests.  I will also say that I was especially sensitive to this right after DS was born - I wanted to be in a cave by myself to nurture my son.  It was fine if people came for an hour or two and then left...but I feel like that about having company anyway.  It was just more intense when DS was a newborn.  So I would say that it depends on the type of relationship you have with the other women - can you easily set boundaries? Are they going to help YOU or are they coming to "take care of the baby"? If they are coming to help you, then it could be a HUGE blessing, but if they are likely to overstep boundaries and take the baby (and maybe not respond to the baby's cues as quickly as you would like) and/or baby horde then it might be more stress than it's worth.  FWIW, I spent much of the first few weeks topless because DS wanted to nurse all the time, so if you are planning on BFing, that's another thing that can be awkward (or again a HUGE blessing if they are supportive) because those early days of BFing take some practice and you will likely spend a good deal of time exposed.  So again, I would think about the relationship you have with them, whether or not their values line up with yours, and whether or not they would be helping and supporting you - not only with housework, but with all of the delicate issues that arise in the early PP days. 

As for alone time with DH...again I guess it depends on the neediness of the guests.  Some people are very aware of the bonding process a new family goes through and will absolutely give you some space while he is around, others can be sort of blind to it.  So I would think about the relationship you have with the family, what you want that time to be like, how well you and your DH are aligned in what you want for that time, and how much your family will add or subtract to that dynamic.  If you don't end up asking them to stay, I would most definitely find some local support from the local LLL, babywearing, APing/Crunchy Moms groups, etc, so that if you need to reach out for support there are others who can help you out.  Usually the women there are seriously helpful!

As you can see, I am definitely more of a private person, and many times have issues with boundaries with guests that stay at my house - this certainly isn't true for everyone, but wanted to give my 2 cents :)

[CoBabyMaker]

Twilight:   I would pretty much just echo everything BabySmurf said.  Depends on your personality and your relationship with them.  

My plan is pretty much depending on DH for the first week and praying that he can work from home the second week so he's there if I really need him.  Thankfully he's awesome with the kids, a great cook and can clean most things except the bathroom.   I have a friend or two who I know I can call for help if I really need it.  I am hoping that between freezing a lot of food, letting the kids play outside a lot  (and probably watch more movies than they should) and a lot of prayer we'll be ok.  June first my MIL, SIL and niece will be done with school and have said they can help with the kids.  They are all awesome with the kids.

I would LOVE to be able to get a housekeeping service but I am not sure that will happen.  We'll see.  It would totally rock my work to have that for the first 6-8 weeks. 

[pastormama]

Originally Posted by TwilightJoy 

My DH only gets a week off work once this babe gets here, so I've had several female family members offer to come stay with us. Do you think I'll want that? I'm thinking I'll love the help with cooking and cleaning (DH doesn't really do either of those things), but I'm also wondering if I'll miss alone time with DH if we have someone else in the house with us.

They live out of state, so if they're here visiting they'll have to stay with us, coming over during the day when DH is at work isn't an option.

Thoughts?

Like the others have said, this completely depends on your personality and comfort level with these guests.  I did find that birth and the time immediately after reduced me to my most "instinctive" state - I HAD to be comfortable around people, or it just didn't work.  There was not enough energy to fake it.  

My MIL came to stay for a week when DD was born, same situation - she was from out of state and had to stay with us.  DH's stepbrother also came to stay for several days.  So - four adults, one newborn, two bedrooms, one bathroom, one of us bleeding constantly, needing to change gigantic maxi pads, unable to sit up comfortably for meals, naked most of the time learning to breastfeed, and feeling totally incompetent about this whole "mothering" thing - you get the picture!  It was hard for me.  Some of that was probably just my own reluctance to look like the inexperienced mom that I was.  

BUT, maybe you are totally different!  Maybe you love company and sharing vulnerabilities and gathering experience from these women.  Just be aware that people have strong opinions about newborn stuff.  If you are trying to BF, cloth diaper, co-sleep, not vax, or whatever, and some of these women don't agree with your choices, you may find yourself having to justify your decisions when you need to focus on the baby and you.  That can be exhausting.

[Quinalla]

With my parents & siblings, I am 100% comfortable. With FIL & MIL I'm fairly comfortable so I'm ok with them being there for a short visit. But yeah, if they aren't people you can basically get naked in front of (or nearly), sometimes it can be more of an intrusion than a help. Not that you will be getting naked in front of them (except for some skin for BFing as it is nice to be able to be comfortable doing that in front of any guests), but just the level of comfort so you don't feel like you can't walk around in your jammies with your hair a mess and whatnot. And definitely don't invite anyone in the early weeks/months that isn't going to help until you are ready. If they are going to expect you to entertain them, forget it! They should be bringing you drinks, making you food, helping with chores, etc. Maybe that sounds selfish and rude, but that's my opinion on it! I was so vulnerable as a new Mom, so raw, I needed people who would only help, not add drama.

[MarieWalter]

We're really fortunate that DH has a lot of flexibility for the very early days (huzzah for countries with paternity leave...). I am also just prepping psychologically to not do anything but lounge around, breastfeed, eat, and try to sleep. It's really important to both of us that he feels comfortable 1-on-1 with baby right away, so we have also talked about my doing quick errands out of the house really early on (small grocery run, walk around the block, taking myself out for a coffee and pastry, etc). I am planning to have frozen meals on hand too.

I wouldn't mind advice about something that's come up and is stressing me out though. My parents essentially announced that they are coming to visit around the July 4 weekend, when baby will be ~5 wks old (or 3! or 7!). I was unhappy with the presumption that this would be ok, as I find their visits to be somewhat stressful. It's not that they are bad houseguests, expecting to be cooked for or anything. In fact, I'm sure my mom would help cook and clean. However, this is just not what I pictured for my post-partum experience as their visits (they would stay with us) are stressful in general (for example, they expect to spend ALL the possible time interacting, are not self-sufficient at e.g. traveling around town on their own, etc). The thought of breastfeeding in front of them also makes me anxious - the only people that make me feel that way. They have planned a stay of about 10 days. I can just imagine how anticipating their visit would make the immediate postpartum more stressful too - I would always be thinking, for example, ok, I have to get this routine down before my parents get here, or I have to learn to breastfeed 'discreetly' (UGH) before they arrive, etc.

That being said, however, if they don't come then (this is a cross-Atlantic visit) they claim not have any other possible vacation time for the rest of the year, meaning baby could easily be 7-12 months or more before they ever meet it. That doesn't seem quite fair. Also, coming at 5 weeks is different than coming for the birth without being invited, or at 1 week, etc. Am I too sensitive about the postpartum period if their dates are more than a month after my EDD? On average, what will things be like with a 5-week infant? Will we sort of have the basics down at that point?

[jacquelinej]

Ugh, we are in this to our eyeballs.  I am glad you started this thread!

We have no family living close by.  Everyone is 16 hours+ that could come and help.  We are flying my mother in (if I were not desperate...I would probably chose someone else although she has promised she will be on her best behavior and knows that she may not end up with a care provider when she needs it later!).  We are doing a 'test run' first in the end of March when she is supposed to help us set up the house.  Hopefully this will go well and she will return 3 weeks later for the birth.

We are also flying in my mother-in-law from New Zealand.  I have never meant her in person but talked via email on on skype so I sorta feel like I know her but I am anxious about this.  She can be very intense about how things should be done and fortunately we are like-minded in natural/no drugs/no chemicals/breastfeeding, etc.  On that front I feel like she will be an asset.

Other then that, DH has said he will be around to help although his family leave doesn't start until August (ugh!).  My main focus is on trying to ensure I get a VBAC because my recovery will be a lot quicker, I hope.  I had a nightmare of a time with DD after the c-section.  Her father (my ex) was only home about 2 weeks and then went offshore again for a month (job requirements).  Since this was 4 months post Katrina, we had almost no help because everyone was scattered.  It was me and my mom and my mom tends to be oblivious to everyone else's needs.  I can remember having to hit her in the arm several times and yell at her (she sleeps VERY VERY hard and falls asleep at the drop of a hat) to get the screaming baby out of the crib so I could BF in the middle of the night because I couldn't pick her up for 4 weeks (infection in the c-section site).  It was traumatic for the baby and me.  I am terrified of that happening again.  DH has said he will not let that happen again, he will make sure there are shifts and that if my mother can't do help, he and MIL will take turns and my mother will be on day duty every day.

We have also talked about getting help with housework if necessary and hiring PP doula.  I've interviewed a few to start.  I've not been able to feed the freezer since we are moving in 10 days (!) but I am putting my mother and MIL on food duties when they arrive which will be just before baby arrives (hopefully).  I also been advised to bring my own food to the hospital because the choices for celiac (gluten-free) are horrible bland and extremely limited.  So that will be the first thing!  

I feel so unprepared.  I hope it all comes together as I am planning it.

Edited by jacquelinej - 3/5/13 at 7:49am

[pastormama]

 Am I too sensitive about the postpartum period if their dates are more than a month after my EDD? On average, what will things be like with a 5-week infant? Will we sort of have the basics down at that point?

I would go with your instincts.  If all goes well, you and your baby have no significant health issues (God forbid), and physical and emotional healing are happening normally, I think a visit like that at five weeks COULD be okay. (That is to say, no breastfeeding issues, no PPD, etc. etc.)

But there are so many variables.  And this is a big purchase (the flights), one they couldn't just give up on if things changed midstream.  I think it is MORE considerate of them to ask that they wait until the baby is older than to chance a totally different situation than you may be anticipating?

Just my .02.

[Quinalla]

MarieWalter, I think 5 weeks is iffy (especially since it could be 3 weeks!) and I think it is pretty unreasonable that they don't have a single other long week they can come for the rest of the year. Maybe its true, it just sounds kind of like an excuse because this long week is probably most convenient for them. I would be very hesitant without setting a lot of expectations up front. Maybe that they might need to stay in a hotel for some or all of the visit and that they need to have some activities planned because you may need to be sleeping a lot during the day and not able to visit with them very much. I agree with pastormamma that 5 weeks might be fine, but with problems it might be a huge headache!

Ideally, I'd push back on them to find another long week that is further out than that (3-4 months old sounds much better to me). Maybe sell it like the baby will be more interactive when older and you'll all be able to spend more time together as sleep will be better.

[berrymama]

With all the cramping stuff going on now, I haven't really thought beyond getting to 37 weeks so we can have the homebirth we want. My DH will take 2 weeks right away and my Mom will likely spend either part or all of that time with us as well to help with the other kids, meals and housework. After that, DH will be going back to work 4 days a week (with a day off mid-week) for a couple weeks. This really helped with the transition last time. Both my previous babes were born in the winter, so I am really looking forward to being able to get out of the house and go for walks/hang out in the yard/garden this time.

Thinking back to our first baby, I had very unrealistic expectations based on my previous experiences. I had nannied for triplet newborns. They were so great. They ate, snuggled a bit, and then slept...repeat. I had also been working as an OB RN and could settle a baby for most of my patients in 5 minutes flat. I thought I had it down and so didn't plan for any help at home (we live about 2 hrs from family). HA! My DS had reflux and colic and never slept. He would eat, scream for an hour before dozing off for 45 minutes (IF he continued to be held upright) and wake up and repeat. By the time we finally asked for help when he was 5 weeks old, DH and I were both zombies. My mom came then, and would sit up holding him for at least 2 hour chunks so we could sleep. Though she only stayed a week, it helped us to get caught up a bit on sleep. It was a rough first 5 months with him.

Second baby, my Mom came right away. It was a homebirth and I loved that by day 2, when most people are first coming home, we were already settled into our little routine. DS1 was amazing for a 2 yr old and would play for hours independently (making up for his newborn period I guess!).

The ILs will likely just come for a couple hours at a time/day visit (they also live 2 hrs away) which is good because they come to see the baby, not help with meals, etc. I feel like I can't hang out in bed with the babe in my pjs when they come, and FIL is still uncomfortable with me BF in front of him.

In my experience, newborns sleep decently for the first 2 weeks (eating and then sleeping for an hour or two) and after that they start to become more aware and get more fussy (DS2 also had reflux/colic but not nearly as bad), so if I had the option, I would probably want a bit of help right away, and then again in a few weeks.

Though this one is a girl, so maybe she will surprise us and be totally different! It seems like just when you think you have a newborn's routine figured out, they change it up!

Edited by berrymama - 3/5/13 at 8:46am

[cadybh]

Really good question, OP.  I am going to read back through all the answers when I have more time, but basically I wanted to say I'm in the same boat.  DS is very sweet and lovely, but he's 3 and in the "I'm mad so I will kick you in the shins and cry!" stage.  Sigh....

We have no family around either (my parents are 3.5 hours' drive away, my in-laws are 4-5 hours' drive away).  I have lovely friends but I got absolutely not one single meal from anyone last time, so I'm not counting on it this time around either.  Basically, I have been squirreling food away in the freezer/pantry (via canning) for the past 6 months and plan to keep that up till baby's here.  I remember dinner being IMPOSSIBLE last time around for a few months, and I am a bit of a health nut when it comes to food so I'm petrified of having to order food in more than 1/week (plus with me planning some extended maternity leave, we really couldn't afford it).  Having some snacks (muffins, quick breads, canned applesauce, etc.) and dinners (lasagna, eggplant parmesan, marinara, soups, quiche, bags of stuff ready for the crockpot, etc.) prepared will help ease the burden a little.  

DS is in daycare 4 days/week right now.  I am going to keep him in it 3 days/week after the new little one is born.  Knowing it's just 2 days/week when I will have both boys to myself makes me feel a bit calmer.  I can also have DH drop DS off 5 days/week for as long as I want after the baby arrives... in theory I don't want to at all, but maybe I will for the first week or two, till I get a handle on things.  We'll see, I'm giving myself that space.

[BabySmurf]

RE visiting relatives, here is what happened with us - FIL lives far, and DS was born on Nov 10, and FIL wanted to come up for Christmas and to meet the baby.  We lived in a 3 room (1br, living room, kitchen) apartment and BIL would only let FIL stay with his family for half the visit.  So FIL was camping on our couch 3-4 days at a time, then we went down to visit my family and DH's family for Christmas and stayed the night at my parent's house (we lived about an hour from everyone).  DS was 5-6 weeks old during this time, which is exactly when a huuuuge enormous growth spurt happened.  FIL has been a bachelor for decades and is on a totally different schedule than we were (staying up until 2 or 3 am watching TV or music channels, then sleeping until 10, 11 am at the earliest....then it took him a few hours to acclimate.  He does not live in a different time zone).  He also has boundary issues and just wanted to "let me know" that in other cultures women would just drop out babies in the field and then go right back to work, as he grumbled about having to make his own meals (after sleeping through ones that I had prepared myself). 

I had to be extremely blunt about what he should and shouldn't be doing, what I expected, if I needed help, etc.  Luckily I've known him for many years at this point, so I was comfortable asserting myself.  The hardest part was just having to share that small of a space, when we had a colicy baby who was going through a growth spurt, so would literally want to nurse for hours at a time.  So I would be in the bedroom with DS for a lot of the time while FIL struggled to entertain himself.  He was delighted to be visiting us though, and was actually good with DS.  He wasn't a baby hog, and would totally let me do what I wanted to do, when it needed to be done...he just *always* had something to say about it.  Good and bad, and mostly in the gooberish "I've been there and therefore know what's best for your family" voice.  But he wasn't really around when DH was young, so I don't get where he thinks he knows better. 

Staying away from home was just as hard, if not harder.  We had to pack a TON of stuff, and DH is the type of guy who is very willing to help...he just needs to be told exactly what to do, and he was pretty distracted having his dad around, and I was still in "new mother" mode, so didn't know what the heck I was doing for overnight stays.  And it being the Holidays, DH was MIA a lot and wound up having too much to drink and leaving me to do all of the baby duty myself.  (DS cracked my tailbone on the way out, and my butt was still in a lot of pain at this point).

All in all I think I would do it again, because it really was nice to have family around to meet the baby and to be close with everyone for the holidays, and no one was really pushing our boundaries (besides just a lack of space). That being said, it was a pretty miserable, awful experience in a lot of ways.  I think that if you have the space to have family visit without being right on top of you, it will work out a little better.  And perhaps let them know that they need to plan some activities outside the house (or plan some for them) and say that it might come down to them getting a hotel room if your space gets to cramped.  Saying these things now can help you gauge how set they are on coming, and also by setting the boundaries now, it won't be as shocking for them if you need to ask them to go away for a night or two.  I agree that a visit around 3 or 4 months would be a LOT more ideal, if it's at all possible.  10 days (was that what you said?) Is a really long time to have someone else in your space that early on, but depending on how close your family is, it might be worth it.  And again, set the boundaries up front that their visit would need to revolve more around helping YOU, not the baby. 

FIL usually comes up for a visit in May, so I am anticipating this year will be the same.  We will try to push that back a bit, but he didn't come up for Christmas this past year, so I know it will be hard.  (he's more than a little self centered - he missed xmas because he wanted to get some work done on his house...instead of scheduling the work to be done after the holidays, he chose to do it right before, so he wouldn't be able to make it..it wasn't work that needed to be done "right then" either .  But he has no empathy if the timing is inconvenient for us).  He will end up staying here for part of his visit.  This time I am putting my foot down that BIL has to at least split the time (more if it's too close to DD), since the past few times he's come up he's stayed with us exclusively.  Also, we have more space now, so we will be setting up a "grampy area" in the downstairs where he can do his thing and we can do our thing and he can visit when he's feeling like being social and I can escape when I'm not. But it still stresses me out. 

There is no easy answer, just try to go with your gut and try to be honest and open about what your expectations are.  People forget VERY quickly what it's like to have a newborn and what it's like to be a new parent, and even the best of intentions can be really difficult to handle. 

[amlikam]

Originally Posted by OtherMother 

Hi, ladies. I hope it's okay I'm starting yet another thread, but I want to hear from you all!

When I consider what I'm anxious about with this pregnancy, it's not so much the birth (I have this awesome faith in my body/baby, and that this is going to be an amazing experience) but the postpartum period (which I have so little control over, it often seems.)

With DD I could just rest and nurse for as long as I needed- I barely got out of our big comfy bed for the first month. It was lovely, and we got off to an awesome awesome start.

It's not going to be so easy this time! DD1 is 4.5, and man, is she a handful. I mean, she's a super sweet kid, and so caring, but she is also very egocentric (probably normal for her age) and STRONG LIKE BULL. When she's mad, you KNOW IT. 

In anticipation of these issues (and considering I'm an hour from family/friends) I'm trying to set up a safety net so I don't end up with PPD. Only half kidding there- I'm feeling it's a very real possibility. DD1 overwhelms both DP and I now- I am the "main parent", so to speak, and I also handle all the food- what kind, how healthy, etc. 

What I really need is A.) semi-consistent childcare for a few weeks to a month and B.) someone to take care of meals (and bring me tea!) That's about it.

So, I'm trying to set that up. I'm trying to get a 'schedule' without dates together- of who's going to be available for what, when. I'm speaking with a couple low-cost PP doulas, and trying to save up and co-ordinate summer childcare.

I'm curious though- for those of you with other children- how are you planning on nurturing yourself back to health? And for those of you having your first as well. What do you consider most important in healing/recovery? How much do you put on yourself in those first weeks/month/s? What's your support team looking like?

I think this is like one of the most important things to focus some energy on during pregnancy.  My DD will be almost 5 when this baby is born, I am hoping that she will be able to spend time with my sisters and friends I know from my mama circles when she was born. It was rough after we came home with here- I was quarentined for a month and half because she was so early, we didn't want to risk picking anything up. It was kind of nice, but I would have likes SOME company.

DD has been showing some serious independance recently, so I think she will be able to help her self to some things if I need help as long as I make time to love on her too. She isn't like your typical first (only) child and can entertain herself at times.... The other day I really needed to nap and she was fine watching a movie with me (I slept). I also think she will do a week or 2 at a preschool summer camp through her school (she is pretty much already in kindergarden/1st grade). I know Montisorri/Waldorf schools all do summer camps as well.

My thought is PP doula care is something I would like but I don't think I will need it because DH will be home with us this summer (sounds so nice, he recently lost his job) and I feel we should just bit the bullet and use savings to have him stay home during the summer. If he got a new job he wouldn't qualify for leave... and I'd rather use savings. I will be partially paid for 12 weeks between my vacation time, maternity pay and disability. WOW!!!

As for meals my work and community will help out... usually people will ask "do you need anything" and I just say if it is something you feel you can do a meal would be very helpful for us. When my dad passed away in October I didn't have to cook dinner for 3 weeks!!! It was so nice because I wasn't able to go in my kitchen most of the 3rd trimester.  

Originally Posted by pastormama 

I've been feeding the freezer for a while, and have a group of friends who have offered to bring meals for awhile.  I may have to compromise on the quality of what we eat, but it will be worth it to stay off my feet.

Also, yesterday we had our baby shower, and several relatives went in together to get us eight weeks of housekeeping!!!  My dream!  My MIL did this after DD was born, and it was the hands-down the most relieving thing for me.  

I am planning on feeding the freezer too, I found some great freezer crockpot meals I plan on doing... Housecleaning?!!!

Originally Posted by TwilightJoy 

My DH only gets a week off work once this babe gets here, so I've had several female family members offer to come stay with us. Do you think I'll want that? I'm thinking I'll love the help with cooking and cleaning (DH doesn't really do either of those things), but I'm also wondering if I'll miss alone time with DH if we have someone else in the house with us.

They live out of state, so if they're here visiting they'll have to stay with us, coming over during the day when DH is at work isn't an option.

Thoughts?

I think if the family members know you will need help with cooking and cleaning so YOU can cuddle and snuggle baby- it coudl work. My sister wanted to do the cuddling, which at 2-3 months, I found somewhat useful, but really immediately I wasn't so ok with that.

Originally Posted by BabySmurf 

For me, having in house guests is always tough because it totally throws me off, and I feel like I need to entertain them (with the exception of my Mom).  So it would depend on how you usually feel about having guests.  I will also say that I was especially sensitive to this right after DS was born - I wanted to be in a cave by myself to nurture my son.  It was fine if people came for an hour or two and then left...but I feel like that about having company anyway.  It was just more intense when DS was a newborn.  So I would say that it depends on the type of relationship you have with the other women - can you easily set boundaries? Are they going to help YOU or are they coming to "take care of the baby"? If they are coming to help you, then it could be a HUGE blessing, but if they are likely to overstep boundaries and take the baby (and maybe not respond to the baby's cues as quickly as you would like) and/or baby horde then it might be more stress than it's worth.  FWIW, I spent much of the first few weeks topless because DS wanted to nurse all the time, so if you are planning on BFing, that's another thing that can be awkward (or again a HUGE blessing if they are supportive) because those early days of BFing take some practice and you will likely spend a good deal of time exposed.  So again, I would think about the relationship you have with them, whether or not their values line up with yours, and whether or not they would be helping and supporting you - not only with housework, but with all of the delicate issues that arise in the early PP days. 

As for alone time with DH...again I guess it depends on the neediness of the guests.  Some people are very aware of the bonding process a new family goes through and will absolutely give you some space while he is around, others can be sort of blind to it.  So I would think about the relationship you have with the family, what you want that time to be like, how well you and your DH are aligned in what you want for that time, and how much your family will add or subtract to that dynamic.  If you don't end up asking them to stay, I would most definitely find some local support from the local LLL, babywearing, APing/Crunchy Moms groups, etc, so that if you need to reach out for support there are others who can help you out.  Usually the women there are seriously helpful!

As you can see, I am definitely more of a private person, and many times have issues with boundaries with guests that stay at my house - this certainly isn't true for everyone, but wanted to give my 2 cents :)

I think babySmurf makes many good points here in deciding that. I have a few people who could come to my house to help - like my MIL who came and cooked then left... I thought it was odd then but now, I am like WOW THANK YOU!!!! Also depends on DP personality too.

Originally Posted by MarieWalter 

We're really fortunate that DH has a lot of flexibility for the very early days (huzzah for countries with paternity leave...). I am also just prepping psychologically to not do anything but lounge around, breastfeed, eat, and try to sleep. It's really important to both of us that he feels comfortable 1-on-1 with baby right away, so we have also talked about my doing quick errands out of the house really early on (small grocery run, walk around the block, taking myself out for a coffee and pastry, etc). I am planning to have frozen meals on hand too.

I wouldn't mind advice about something that's come up and is stressing me out though. My parents essentially announced that they are coming to visit around the July 4 weekend, when baby will be ~5 wks old (or 3! or 7!). I was unhappy with the presumption that this would be ok, as I find their visits to be somewhat stressful. It's not that they are bad houseguests, expecting to be cooked for or anything. In fact, I'm sure my mom would help cook and clean. However, this is just not what I pictured for my post-partum experience as their visits (they would stay with us) are stressful in general (for example, they expect to spend ALL the possible time interacting, are not self-sufficient at e.g. traveling around town on their own, etc). The thought of breastfeeding in front of them also makes me anxious - the only people that make me feel that way. They have planned a stay of about 10 days. I can just imagine how anticipating their visit would make the immediate postpartum more stressful too - I would always be thinking, for example, ok, I have to get this routine down before my parents get here, or I have to learn to breastfeed 'discreetly' (UGH) before they arrive, etc.

That being said, however, if they don't come then (this is a cross-Atlantic visit) they claim not have any other possible vacation time for the rest of the year, meaning baby could easily be 7-12 months or more before they ever meet it. That doesn't seem quite fair. Also, coming at 5 weeks is different than coming for the birth without being invited, or at 1 week, etc. Am I too sensitive about the postpartum period if their dates are more than a month after my EDD? On average, what will things be like with a 5-week infant? Will we sort of have the basics down at that point?

Thats a big thing, is it possible that you could talk to them about it and your fears? As for BF I had that issue with my family for a bit and my dad always... really the excuse to "nurse" was a great way to seclude myself at times  just in general, whenever I just needed a break from a situation. Also if you planned ahead tasks they could help with, then they have soemthing to focus on OR perhaps they will find their way out of the house exploring. But I also think if the thought of them there will drive you nuts you might want to reconsider if you can't find a full yes to them coming. Sorry to be so unhelpful.  but I hope it helped some.

[Miss Ess]

I'm feeling some serious anxiety about the post partum period as well. DS will be 4.5 when his brother arrives, and is lovely but a pretty intense kid.

If I am lucky, my DH will be able to take the day after the birth off, but that's basically it. After that, it'll be myself, DS1 and DS2 home alone. While I have wonderful friends, many of them have small babies or are about to give birth in and around my due date. No family near by that we could rely on.

I feel like a terrible parent, but my post partum recovery plan currently relies heavily on parking DS1 in front of the TV with Netflix.

Trying now to figure out easy meal things that aren't a) total garbage and b) won't take up a ton of freezer space as we only have a tiny fridge freezer.

[pastormama]

I feel like a terrible parent, but my post partum recovery plan currently relies heavily on parking DS1 in front of the TV with Netflix.

No!  Don't feel that way.  My DD hates television, cartoons, movies, etc.  She will actually get up and turn it off.  It's killing me!  I'm trying to get an hour's rest and she won't be distracted.  She needs company to do EVERYTHING.  

[amlikam]

Miss Ess that's my exit strategy too.