Almost 4yo son groping and talking about breasts all the time, I'm getting angry

[MummaGaia]

My ds will be 4 at the end of April.  I am hoping that he will wean in the next year, but I'm trying not to push him.  He nurses when he wakes up and then before bed.  If he asks during the day (which he does, most days) I refuse.  I don't refuse in a mean way, I just matter of factly say that he can have milk in the morning and before bed.  Lately he has started asking a little more aggressively.  He also asks whenever we are around men (our doctor, the chiropractor, his OT).  I always refuse unless it's morning or night, those are the only times I am willing to nurse him.  He has been nursing two times a day for over a year.  In the last few months when he is nursing in the morning (when I am snoozing) I have to ask him over and over to not rub my breasts and grope me.  I say things like, "Stop please, I do not like how that feels!".  He also will nurse on both sides and then ask to go back to the first side again.  When I refuse he cries and his feelings are clearly hurt.

I have been handling all of this fine for the last few months, but he has started touching my breasts, pushing his face on them and making nursing sounds, he talks about my breasts alot.  I really feel kind of disgusted with his touching me all the time, especially because I feel like I have been extremely clear that this is unwanted touching.  I am feeling angry and kind of used.  My husband is also upset that my nursing relationship with my ds is turning in this direction.

We have tried talking to him about respecting people's bodies.  I have left the room telling him that it makes me angry, and I have also sent him away.  I am not sure how break through to him without weaning.  I would love some advice because I am really feeling awful about this and don't want to hurt his feelings.  

Thank you.

[mamazee]

I just typed out a post and lost it. So here I go again !

I have a child who just turned four and weaned two years ago who remembers nuring and is doing the exact same thing. I'm afraid this can happen even if you aren't nursing anymore.

I'm talking about boundaries and being consistent but gentle. I don't like being touched in that way, we all own our bodies, you own your body too and no one can touch you in a way that makes you feel uncomfortable either. It's a boundary being defined and a good lesson re safety.

Maybe if you can feel proactive, like this is a good opportunity to teach him an important lesson, it will help you deal with the angry? Good luck!

[blackbird2]

Hi!  I'm chiming in to say this sounds like normal (although, yes, very frustrating) 4 yr old-ish behavior.  My DC had a similar stage.  He's also had a licking stage, a poking everyone on the cheeks stage ... various annoying physical boundary-crossing behaviors that get your full attention.

Tips:  Do your best to stay calm, centered and relaxed.  If he gropes or rubs in the morning, look him in the eye and say "no rubbing,"  "hands here (wherever you'd like him to leave them when nursing)", or whatever short clear message works for you.  If he does it again, before you're feeling angry, matter-of-factly disengage, sit up, pull your shirt down, etc and say that nursing is over for the morning.  My DS would freak out at this point.  If you're feeling up to it, offer a chance to try again.  Set out the rules and have another shot.  If you're just feeling done for that session, that's ok too.

I guess that's what all my advice boils down to when I think about it:  have a short, clear, direct message about what the boundary is.  Say it kindly and firmly.  If it happens again, move.  It's much easier to move yourself than getting in a struggle to get a child off of you.  Standing up is usually sufficient.  Offer a chance to try again.  This interaction will certainly happen more than once, but on the bright side, you're doing a great job modeling how you'd like your children to respond to touch that crosses their boundaries.

On the other hand, it might also help to try to spend some really focused 1-1 time with your DS.  To see if filling up his "attention from mom cup" in another way might ease some of these behaviors.  I often feel like I'm already doing so much for my kid, but carving out that 15-20 minutes to just be totally focused on him sometimes is the best antidote.
 

Good luck!

[MummaGaia]

Thank you so so much.  I think it's about keeping up my side of the bargain with clear and concise information for him and to do it in a loving way.  This is what I needed to hear.  Thanks again!

[EvolvingMama]

Just a note to thank blackbird for her suggestions! Sounds like your ideas helped MummaGaia and I definitely needed to hear these thoughts for my own little girl (almost 3.5 years old).

[blackbird2]

Oh, I appreciate that! Hoorah for community  :)
 

[GreekMomma]

I just wanted to chime and say that I agree with blackbird2. My 4yo DD hit a spot a few months ago of unwanted/agressive touching while bfing. Being calm & consistent in my response seemed to do the trick. It can be hard sometimes, especially at nightime, after a long day. Hang in there, Momma!