How much of your financial situation/choices should impact others? - Page 2

[rachelsmama]

Originally Posted by KayleeZoo 

I keep thinking that I want to make sure I"m seeing this from the other parents' side, too. I don't want my kids to feel entitled when they are with friends whose families may have a different financial situation. BUT I feel pretty strongly that, as an adult, it's the parents' responsibility to make sure that all the children in their care have their basic needs met. Like food. If the kids were older and had drivers licenses and could go get snacks by themselves, maybe that would be different. But these girls are too young to take matters into their own hands and feed themselves. And we have adopted a new sleepover plan- any time any of them go to anybody's house that is not a best friend whom we know will feed them, they take a snack. And a phone to text me and let me know to come pick them up if necessary.

Considering the choice of low fat cupcakes and chips, I doubt that finances were the only motivations for the food limitations. 

[Alenushka]

To me, that is is CPS call worthy. If this is how they control food with guests around....imagine what happens when they are alone?

[velveeta]

This sounds horrible. I'm so sorry for their daughter. I was also struck by the dad getting his "own" pizza. This doesn't seem about money, at all. Pancakes are super cheap! I bristle when someone says what someone else "needs" or doesn't "need." "You don't need popcorn." They did need popcorn because they were hungry! The low fat remarks are creepy, too. :-(

[serenbat]

Quote:

To me, that is is CPS call worthy. If this is how they control food with guests around....imagine what happens when they are alone?

this is laughable! seriously?? that's crazy

are you going to call and say my kid got low fat cupcake.... investigate? down right stupid

they provided food, there is no indication they don't feed their child (children) - it may not be what you deem standard but no indication that they are withholding food

if a parent has a problem with how her child was treated - one you never let them go over again, two you should have checked and known the parents a bit better prior to the event, this was an over night not a week vacation- they did give food

if you have an issue with how they treated your child, pick up the phone and talk it over and hear what did happen from their point of view, let them know how you feel- I don't get why this wasn't done in the first place- if someone yelled at my child, I would have spoken to that person ASAP regardless of what my child said, not talk to another parent who also was not there- I don't get that at all

you can be up set by what happened but many families have odd behavior that doesn't mean you call CPS!

It may simply not be the norm in the family to do things just like one thinks they should be done, instead of complaining, how about talking to the parents? If you feel there is a concern about the child not getting enough food- drop off a bag at the door- you know now.

Really I would not let a child sleep over or visit a home of a parent that I don't know and I would instruct any child that was doing any type of sleep over to call if they didn't feel things were right (PRIOR) to going.

I don't see why the OP did not speak to the family about this.

ETA- so what is the harm in a low fat cupcake? It may not be what you would have given, but you don't know the reason they gave them without asking and really I see this a odd from the point of view of making it an issue-Did they make others to give to someone they know wanted low fat, is it some things they usually do? Unless you spoke to every parent of every child that was there how you do known they weren't made for a certain person for a certain reason?   sounds really petty  

did the invitation say dinner? or was it just snacks? 

Edited by serenbat - 3/5/13 at 5:36pm

[Katielady]

That is creepy and weird and I would not let my child go back. The yelling thing alone is unacceptable, and the food thing is just crazy. But as PPs have said, I really worry about the kids in that house. The OPs child only had to deal with that environment for a night; the kids who live there must have it like that and worse on a daily basis.

You could certainly have the girl over to your house. I had a friend from a very strict home (nothing like that though!) and she loved coming over where you wouldn't get yelled at for spilling.
 

[LoveOurBabies]

The lining the girls up and yelling is the only red flag for me. That is not on! The father sounds like a jerk.

Restricting the food however, it's not a massive cause for concern. A few things spring to mind:

-Perhaps the parents did not grow up in homes where you are taught to shower your guests with everything you have.

-I have known of a few parents who bought specific items for themselves that were untouchable for the kids. I grew up with a girl who had parents like this. I could never understand why she would stare at me blankly everytime I opened the fridge to get something to eat, without asking my parents first. Or when I would tell her 'just grab what you want and eat it'. My friend's parents weren't abusive at all and weren't financially struggling (they were affluent), they just had very strange rules regarding food. They also had a set amount of food per person at dinner time and if you were still hungry after that, it was tough luck.

-Serving only water could be part of their whole 'low-fat' regime they have going on there.

-Even though they may look like they are 'okay' financially, they may really be suffering behind closed doors. They could be up to their eyeballs in debt and freak out at every little thing that could cost them more money. Appearances are always deceiving. The only thing that makes me feel like I could be wrong about this point, is the father hoarding a pizza to himself.

Either way, good luck. I wouldn't send my dd back (due to the yelling) but I would invite the girl over for a sleepover and ensure my dd remained friends with her. I can't imagine the hard time she must be having at school right now after that sleepover.
 

[Escaping]

I too knew several kids who had to ask before they ate something. I even remember going to one's house at lunch and she left her mom a voicemail at work (before cell phones lol) and we couldn't eat anything until her mom called the house back!!

It isn't THAT strange that food is restricted in certain households, just not something that ever happened in my family, besides getting yelled at for eating all the designated "for school" stuff... I don't really think bizarre food rationing is a sign of abuse. 

[Smokering]

That's weird, definitely. Serving water doesn't bother me - it's not very partyish, but ehh, most other drinks are nutritional garbage. We quite frequently serve guests water (along with ample, fancy dinner and dessert, mind you!). But everything else does seem off. Also, wouldn't turning the pan off between pancakes use up more power?

There are plenty of ways to entertain cheaply. I have no compunctions about saying to close friends something along the lines of "Let's have a burger night at our place; I'll do buns and dessert: who wants to bring drinks, patties, salads etc?" We all know each other well, and work it out according to who's rich, who's poor, who can cook and who can't. :p

We've also had people over just for dessert. And we've had people over for afternoon tea rather than lunch. Right now we're a bit broke, and I'm trying to work on my pride so I can invite people over for simpler meals - I'm a foodie and like to provide lavish food with expensive cuts of meat, desserts that involve large quantities of chocolate, cream cheese etc - and we just can't afford it. So I'm trying to graciously learn to serve pasta  and salad (salad without fancy olives or feta, even!) to guests. Nice pasta, mind you - garlic cream pasta - but still, not chicken breasts.

But yes, there's a certain point beyond which you're clearly short-changing your family by inviting others to share their meagre food, and probably making them (the guests) miserable and hungry into the bargain. It sounds like this family's either at that point, or has some very strange control issues...

[CookiePie]

It seems like it might have more to do with control than finances.  I would have also been very upset by the list of strange things that occurred. 

DD went to a friends house for the afternoon once when she was in fourth grade.  We met the family, the Mom was a nurse and they seemed like a good family.  Well apparently the mother went to bed shortly after DD arrived because she worked 3rd shift the night prior. DD was starving for lunch and the other child kept promising that they'd make sandwiches but it never happened.  DD kept telling her that she was hungry...I don't know why she didn't just call me.  Needless to say she didn't go back there.  If the Mom discussed with me that she needed to sleep we would have gladly hosted at our house with lunch and all.  I was upset that she would invite another child over then not supervise!  I didn't discuss it with her.  It taught me to ask more questions before allowing my kids to go anywhere!!!  

[serenbat]

Quote:

 It taught me to ask more questions before allowing my kids to go anywhere!!!  

this is what it means to me as well

even as a child ages, it shows they may not be ready to be in certain situations - even years (many many years ago) at sleep overs, I remember even past 13, having some not stay and call and go home - with age (sometimes!!) comes wisdom and the OP's child needs- IMO to learn how to recognize, assess the situation and (fake a tummy ache, etc) pick up a phone and leave- make it a "code" even!  this goes for other events too!! 

[KayleeZoo]

I did speak with the school counselor. Enough people have felt red flags over several of the issues that arose, and now that I'm seeing the big picture more clearly, I felt like it was important to let someone know who was in a position to probe a little deeper into this family. Too much weirdness and control and, I don't know, just a not-right feeling. Thanks to everyone for their honest feedback. I really do appreciate it :) 

[CookiePie]

I think that you did the right thing Kaylee.  If only things were as easy as they were when the kids were little.  Huh?
 

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by KayleeZoo 

I did speak with the school counselor. Enough people have felt red flags over several of the issues that arose, and now that I'm seeing the big picture more clearly, I felt like it was important to let someone know who was in a position to probe a little deeper into this family. Too much weirdness and control and, I don't know, just a not-right feeling. Thanks to everyone for their honest feedback. I really do appreciate it :) 

Good that you mentioned it to the counselor.  Though isn't it some sort of breech of privacy or something for the counselor to have shared that there have been other issues?  Maybe I'm over thinking it. 

By itself everything you described could be a misinterpretation by way of 12 year old.  Even lining them up and scolding them. I don't think getting loud and nutty is a requirement for having fun at a sleepover.  And yes, I have admonished a guest kid for talking loudly late into the night.  However, what you described does add up to a pretty sad birthday party. 

Turning the griddle off between batches of pancakes is just bone-headed.

[justmama]

Originally Posted by Alenushka 

To me, that is is CPS call worthy. If this is how they control food with guests around....imagine what happens when they are alone?

I disagree.  I've called cps on a family before(being a mandatory reporter) due to allegations of physical abuse.  It would NEVER occur to me to call cps over food control issues that are that borderline.  

[serenbat]

Quote:

By itself everything you described could be a misinterpretation by way of 12 year old.  Even lining them up and scolding them. I don't think getting loud and nutty is a requirement for having fun at a sleepover.  And yes, I have admonished a guest kid for talking loudly late into the night.

I also feel not real good about this - it could really turn, if someone views (what many do here) as "crunchy" , odd, weird, etc and reported things- it's so judgmental - giving water, low fat, one slice, no pop-corn, etc and lumping that in to a tell someone about it incident - I see a very slippery slope...........down

I can easily see a someone thinking why is this person even saying these things to me, why did the OP allow her child to go to this home of a family she didn't know that well, etc..

I really don't see a school official (at least in my area they would not even entertain it) dealing with these "issues". I guess I don't see "issues" that you really can not even report being "issues" in the first place, this is a life style disagreement as most- the yelling at your child, in it self, the OP is not even addressing directly, so I don't see anyone looking at the OP and understanding why she didn't address it herself first, it really does not constitute someone else fighting a battle in sorts for the OP. 

I feel much of what the OP wrote is clearly nothing (really none of) CPS would even look at and to label it in any way worth an investigation, things that go around come around. Your lifestyle could be just as easy "looked at" and how would that judgement make you feel?

Quote:

Turning the griddle off between batches of pancakes is just bone-headed.

and certainly nothing anyone in any power would waste two minutes caring about!

We give out h20 and I couldn't give a crap on what others think of it!! I really find some of this down right shocking on this board of all places.

[KayleeZoo]

serenbat, if this family isn't doing anything that is deemed harmful, then it won't be a problem for them. The counselor was very concerned about what I mentioned. And if you knew me IRL, well, let's just say that I have no problem fighting battles that I deem to be mine ;)  I let my kid go at the recommendation of another parent that I trust. That was my choice. And we all learn from our choices, both positive and negative. I have voiced my concerns, it is a very small school with *very* attentive staff (the counselor is not an exception) and they do make it their business when something arises that could potentially be harmful to the kids. That's one of the reasons that I love our school so much. If this family is doing nothing wrong, then no harm will come to them. If they are, then steps need to be taken to protect their kids. Period.

[serenbat]

Quote:

serenbat, if this family isn't doing anything that is deemed harmful, then it won't be a problem for them. The counselor was very concerned about what I mentioned. And if you knew me IRL, well, let's just say that I have no problem fighting battles that I deem to be mine ;)  I let my kid go at the recommendation of another parent that I trust. That was my choice. And we all learn from our choices, both positive and negative. I have voiced my concerns, it is a very small school with *very* attentive staff (the counselor is not an exception) and they do make it their business when something arises that could potentially be harmful to the kids. That's one of the reasons that I love our school so much. If this family is doing nothing wrong, then no harm will come to them. If they are, then steps need to be taken to protect their kids. Period.

What did they do that was harmful? Did they not given any food, take away clothing, not provide shelter, do illegal activity???

Would you like someone to look at your lifestyle choices as well?

Last I checked nothing you mentioned is a crime in any way.

And I really don't get why if someone yelled at your child you would say nothing to them? You don't question them on what happened? You get impute from others (parents) that also were not there? very odd...... I find this so strange, yet you are very worried about other's flat out lifestyle enough to report them, so to speak- baffling at best.

What did this family do? Something that police would invest age? If it's really that bad- why didn't you call CPS, it's first hand from you and second IF the school really does anything about it- it's heresy and again, what is CPS related here? 

[KayleeZoo]

Well, since I choose to live in this country, I am choosing to follow the laws that govern it. And if someone wants to look at my lifestyle, honestly, I wouldn't feel threatened. Anyone is welcome to look all they want :) I am not an expert on what is CPS-worthy, so I did what I felt comfortable doing by talking with someone whom I know does have a good knowledge base of what is considered abusive/neglectful/etc. If this family is in any way not caring for their children properly, then someone who is in a position to investigate needs to do so. If they're just people who have no business inviting other children into their home, that's fine, too. At the end of the day, we all need to do what we need to in order to feel a sense of peace about how we live. And that's what I did. :) 

[serenbat]

I honestly can't see CPS even blinking at heresy via third party without real proof of something substantial.

I can see this poor birthday girl never being allowed to have anyone over EVER or to see any of the ones invited outside of school.

I would be furious if I was the parents. Odd is not a crime and personal lifestyle choices are just that, where is this great harm these parents caused ???? I just don't get this.

You may think if nothing is wrong- I see it totally differently. Really what goes around comes around.

[serenbat]

Quote:

 I am not an expert on what is CPS-worthy, so I did what I felt comfortable doing by talking with someone whom I know does have a good knowledge base of what is considered abusive/neglectful/etc. If this family is in any way not caring for their children properly, then someone who is in a position to investigate needs to do so.

I think you should make a phone call and find out what CPS is all about and also call you local police and they can tell you what heresy means- both do this info for free!

this is awful