teenager pushing me away before moving away...and other weepy mama issues

[purplerose]

Those of you with grown children...in what ways did your teenager change in the few months before moving away? How extreme did it get? And instead of pushing you away, why don't they try to be friends with you, knowing they are leaving and this is their last few months at home? Jeez. This Christmas was so hard for me knowing it was the last with all my kids home, and my oldest was not interested in decorating the tree which is something the kids have done since they were all toddlers. It wasn't just that, but that was the beginning. I wanted things to be special but she wants nothing to do with her family.

Also...Can we talk about Empty Nest Syndrome when you still have more children at home? How does it feel when one moves away? How long do you wait for another child to take that newlyopened bedroom? How do you handle situations where the child "can't do it" and wants to move back home. My parents were the sort that one strike, you're out for good, and my inlaws have their adult children in and out constantly. I would like to be in the middle of the extremes. She is planning for this summer, after graduation.

Edited by purplerose - 5/22/13 at 5:48pm

[mtiger]

It's pretty normal... they need to push you away to be ready for their independence.

[Jody59]

One thing that I experienced was that soon after they moved out they became thankful for all we had done for them and even apologized for being difficult at times. We have not had kids move back yet (-2 out of college , 2 in college and a 16 year old) but we have told the boys that they can  not move back but the daughter can. Now if the boys needed a short stay, that would be OK, but they would not be sitting around mooching. Daughter lived with us for 6 months after school, before finding a job.

We had 5 kids and 3 kid bedrooms, so there was always some sharing. Once they are gone the rooms become neutral (not theirs). When they leave for college we go through the room and depersonalize it - throwing some stuff away and boxing other stuff. So the 16 year old has his room and there is a boy type room available and a guest room available.

Blessings, Jody

[PumaBearclan]

Originally Posted by Jody59 

One thing that I experienced was that soon after they moved out they became thankful for all we had done for them and even apologized for being difficult at times.

Yes, this is what happened to me.

I was prepared for my daughter and I never to be close since she had grown "away" and was venting on me a lot before she left home. It was very painful but I tried to accept that this may be the way things would be and that I would have to not impose or expect from her, only love her. I think that my willingness to do this enabled her to seek me out again so soon. I suspect that if she sensed I was grieved or needy she wouldn't have been willing to redefine and reengage in a relationship with me so quickly or so well.

My daughter's room is hers and I have no plans to use it, ever. It's always here for her. Before she moved out we cleaned it out together and redecorated so that it's more appropriate to her adult personality.

Edited by PumaBearclan - 4/3/13 at 1:09pm

[mtiger]

My kids' rooms... My daughter's remains hers, as she comes home at breaks. My son lives in the city where they go to college, and stays there year 'round, except for occasional visits home - their room is now mine, and I have moved them into the spare bedroom. MY room (the master) is now my parents' as it is more convenient for them having am attached bathroom. But my two know that they can always come home if needed, and we will sort the rest out. 

[sewchris2642]

I don't remember mine pushing me away as teens. They got more private about personal things (don't come in while dressing, bathing, etc.) but they were open about figuring out where they stood in the world. We gradually loosened the parenting strings so by the time they were in their 17th year, they had most of the adult rights and privileges (except for the legal age ones). No curfews, just let us know where you're going and when you'll be home; call if you'll be late, etc. We did the same thing. I'm not sure I'm explaining it well. Our relationship was on a more of an adult level by the time they were 17-18 than when they were 12-13. The relationship evolved and grew along with the girls and now with Dylan. And the relationship changed again when first Joy and then Erica became mothers. And Angela's and my relationship changed when she began working with me. My relationship with Dylan is evolving almost daily into one between almost equals. although I am still his mother and in charge of him for another 3 years, I am more and more involving him in the decisions that affect him instead of making them for him.