When your child's birthmom parents, then places, then parents again

[CrunchyChristianMama]

We are stuck in a bit of an awkward situation.  Our son's birthmom (whom we have a very open relationship with - we talk several times a week) has several children that she is currently solo parenting.  She then had our son and placed him with us, and then a few months later became pregnant again.  She is still undecided about what she wants to do.  She is very open to the idea of placing this child with us as well (if she placed the child she would want her with us), but as it will for sure be her last (permanent birth control is the plan) she is also leaning toward parenting. 

We are ok with either outcome.  But, it leads to awkward conversations because she hasn't made up her mind yet.  I'm also very concerned about the effect this will have on our son.  How do you explain to a child that he's the only one of a largish number of children that was placed for adoption.  :(  It breaks my heart to think of him having to wrestle with that. 

Anyone else in a similar situation?

[Momsteader]

No suggestions as I've not been through it, but perhaps someone else will see it if I bump! 

[Smithie]

I am fairly sure that my son's Other Mother (seems stupid to call her a birthmother since she parented him for about 5 years total) is going to try to parent again. I don't know how my son will react. Right now, he doesn't want much contact and EMPHATICALLY does not want to know the details of her life, but he's certainly going to notice if she shows up for a visit with a baby in tow. 

No advice, just empathy. 

[christophersmom]

My sister's birth mom parented kids 1, 2, and 5. Placed number 3 and 4 for adoption. My sister in number 4. It is something she struggled with in her early teen years. It wasn't until mid teens that she realized her birth mother was really in no position to parent 3, 4, or 5. We all realized 5 was a guilt baby for 3 and 4. It's hard to explain to them later that the birth mom changed and was able to parent when they couldn't before.

My friends have an open adoption and birth mom had a son on their daughters birthday 4 years exactly after. That was hard explaining, no we are not adopting your brother.
 

[pumpkingirl71]

My daughter's birthmother (L) had twins she parented until they were about 7, had her rights terminated for my daughter, and is currently patenting a 4 year old.  Jenny is 8.  It is very tricky.  One decision we made that we got a lot of heat for (from family members and birthmother) is that we never refer to the youngest sibling as her brother and we insist that no one else does.  She has always know the twins has her brother and sister.   She has met the four year old and knows that he is L's son and hopefully will realize that he is her brother at an age when she is more ready to process it.

[eabbmom]

I am number 3 if 5, we also adopted 5 into our family. 5 was an intentional pregnancy bc we were supposed to get 4 and they changed their minds. Somehow I never wondered why I was put up for adoption and not the others. Maybe it is bc I got to visit twice and see how strapped they were, I don't know. I think being honest with your child, allowing them to feel and understanding that you can only do your best to help them understand and that their reactions belong to them and are out of your control.

[Smithie]

pumpkingirl, she really doesn't realize that the 4 y.o. is her biosibling? My son is very, very clear on the fact that his toddler half-siblings are his brothers. I don't know that his attachment to them is STRONGER than his attachment to his adopted siblings (he's actually lived with us longer at this point), but it's definitely real. 

[pumpkingirl71]

Jenny only lived with her birthmother from birth to 4 months.  Her older siblings feel very attached to her as their sister.  But Jenny has never lived with her youngest sibling and has seen her birth mother very infrequently.  She loves him, likes to buy him presents and play with him.  She has yet to verbalize that he is her brother.

Originally Posted by Smithie 

pumpkingirl, she really doesn't realize that the 4 y.o. is her biosibling? My son is very, very clear on the fact that his toddler half-siblings are his brothers. I don't know that his attachment to them is STRONGER than his attachment to his adopted siblings (he's actually lived with us longer at this point), but it's definitely real. 

[Smithie]

Ah. I did not realize that she only lived with her birthmother in early infancy. My son bounced in and out of care a bit, but he lived for years at a time with his Other Mother and was on-scene for the whole pregnancy and early infancy of his half-brothers. 

[CrunchyChristianMama]

Well, in talking to her theses last few weeks (we talk a couple times a week normally), it seems as though she plans to parent this baby girl. I'm torn about the whole thing. The idea of another baby was really growing on me, and I know the living circumstances that the baby will be growing up in (nothing CPS worthy, but far, far from ideal), so its just hard. I know she will be loved and her basic needs will be met, but mom is stretched to the limit already with life circumstances, I hope she's able to take on the added stress and work of an additional child.

[Greysonmommy]

I have a 11 month old that we adopted on day one, i was in the delivery and had my own room with him. We now have learned that the birthmother is pregnant again and decided to keep this one. My son was #3 that she gave up..now i feel so bad for the sibling of my son to live in the enviroment that she will be in....mother has no job and no car and of course no income. I find myself feeliing guilty. I

[FlintDoula]

I know someone (a childhood friend of my little brothers) who was given to his grandma and adopted by her while his mom keep his twin brother to raise. I know it is a little different from what your son will go through but I thought it important to share.

He is now 17 and will graduate high school this June and he is a smart kid with a part time job. He turned out to be a great guy. But..... when he was an older child to a young teen he was full of rage and anger and hurt and he acted out in school and at home a lot. His grandma put up with a lot.

His twin brother is scary. He droped out of school and is heavy into drugs which his mom used and sold out of their home while he was growing up. It was always a bad situation and I admirably judged his grandma for not reporting to CPS all the time to get him too. But you know what I never called either. Granted I was a young teen myself but looking back I don't think that's a good enough excuse.

But even though It was hard on the boy he got the better deal in the end and even if it is hard for your son to grasp in the future I think he will come around and see it was for his best interest.

[FlintDoula]

Stupid smartphone I meant admittedly not admirably.

[swd12422]

No advice, but empathy here, too. We have friends who are in that situation. DD is #2 of 3 (so far) and is the only one placed for adoption. The other two are living with grandma b/c mom can't get it together, so maybe that's a bit different. At any rate, our friends simply tell (or plan to tell, I'm not sure how much DD knows just yet as she's still young) their daughter that bio mom made her choices based on where she was at that time in her life. She thought she could parent J (big bro) but realized what a handful it would be to have two kids. So she chose adoption for her second baby. Unfortunately, despite the fact that it really was the best choice for her and for the baby (DD), it was also really hard and very sad for bio mom to lose her child. It's not something people do easily, and though it was for the best, she didn't feel strong enough to do it again when she got pregnant with #3. But #1 and #3 are not living with her, so it'll be pretty obvious to DD that mom is clearly not able to parent regardless of adoption v leaving kids with grandma. So IDK if that helps. 

What really helps our friends (and us, too) is having multiple adopted kids who have different stories. We tell each their own story and compare/contrast the other kids' stories to them. (T didn't have any family who could help take care of him, just like you. But you were the only baby your bio mom had, and T's bio mom had 9 other kids. She couldn't take care of any of them, and now we have no idea where they are..... Whatever's age appropriate, of course!) I guess this my long-winded way of saying that hopefully kids will understand that every "story" is different and one is not better than another.