Why is it okay for adults to do it?

[EchoSoul]

I never used to follow this method... I used to smack my son's hand when he kept touching something, or turn my back when he cried in frustration. But after a while.. I realized, this isn't working. Now he gets redirected, redirected, redirected, and even if he throwing a fit, if he comes to me wanting a hug, I hug him. Tightly. Overall, he's doing really good. He does not hit, or smack, or bite, or anything like that.

But alas... that "stage" has started. The "Terrible" one. So at least once a day, more often when he needs to be taking a nap, he'll growl/scream in frustration. I used to say, "HEY!" To snap him out of it. But then I sat back and thought.. which I've been doing a lot with him lately, shouldn't it be okay for him to get frustrated? After all, he's seen us scream in frustration. Why are so many things okay for adults to do it...but not toddlers? He's not doing it and trying to hurt either us or the cats, so what's wrong with it? He's just venting, right?

When he growled out in frustration earlier my MIL said, "Hey, that's enough!" He quieted, and I said nothing. I wasn't sure what to say. But that's what really got me thinking.. She's screamed in frustration. To herself, to us. We've all done it. Why is it not okay for him? Why do adults get away with so much, considering, and kids don't? Can't he be allowed to be frustrated?

Sorry for the rambling..=\ Guess I was just looking for what this board thought of screaming in the GD method.

[skycheattraffic]

My DD is 23 months and just entering the "terrible" twos. We don't scream or yell but both DH and I are mellow, peacemaking persons and DD has a fiery personality. What has helped us leaps and bounds was empathy. When she goes into one of those apocalyptic tantrums, I sit on the floor near her and say "you are very angry. It's all right to feel angry. Mommy is here to give you big hugs when you're ready." She then winds down in a couple of minutes and just melts in my arm, sobbing quietly a little longer. Then we just sit and hug and eventually she pushes away, smiling. I think the biggest thing about this approach is that SHE is in control. I'm available but not demanding and she can take the time she needs. In a few weeks, the tantrums became less frequent and less severe. They stil happen but she comes to me quicker and settles faster. DD was recently loudly shushed by a relative and it really upset me. My mom wants to gently shush her but it doesn't work either. I really believe that children need to experience and express their emotions and it's our job as parents to guide them to healthy and safe ways to do so. I cry when I'm angry, I do it quietly and try not to "burden" others with my feelings. Sometimes I wish I had my girl's fire and spunk and although it can make parenting hard, I hope she never loses it! You're a very thoughtful parent for looking at the situation through your child's eyes. I hope you don't ever stop

[Linda on the move]

I don't think anybody should yell.

I grew up in a house with a lot of screaming, and I hated it. For the first ten years after I left home, I lived alone because I couldn't imagine living with humans and them not screaming all the time. I preferred to be alone than to live with screaming.

I have yelled at my kids, but not very many times over the years. My husband has only raised his voice a handful of times. Neither of us consider it acceptable behavior from ourselves or each other, but neither of us are perfect.

We've taught our children that they can always express how they feel, but that some ways to express feelings are OK and some aren't. We've worked to teach them other, more positive ways to vent emotions.  There is a big difference between feeling frustrated and expressing that frustration by screaming. One is a feeling, and one is an action. All feelings are acceptable, not all actions are desirable.

This gets easier as kids get bigger and have more options available to them.

If you are fine living in a house where every one yells all the time, that's your choice. It just isn't my choice, but I agree that the rules should be the same for everyone.

[EchoSoul]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

I don't think anybody should yell.

I grew up in a house with a lot of screaming, and I hated it. For the first ten years after I left home, I lived alone because I couldn't imagine living with humans and them not screaming all the time. I preferred to be alone than to live with screaming.

I have yelled at my kids, but not very many times over the years. My husband has only raised his voice a handful of times. Neither of us consider it acceptable behavior from ourselves or each other, but neither of us are perfect.

We've taught our children that they can always express how they feel, but that some ways to express feelings are OK and some aren't. We've worked to teach them other, more positive ways to vent emotions.  There is a big difference between feeling frustrated and expressing that frustration by screaming. One is a feeling, and one is an action. All feelings are acceptable, not all actions are desirable.

This gets easier as kids get bigger and have more options available to them.

If you are fine living in a house where every one yells all the time, that's your choice. It just isn't my choice, but I agree that the rules should be the same for everyone.

I'm not okay with it...  but it's the only living option we have right now. I should have rephrased. I don't scream. I yell at my fiance, preferably when my son is out of hearing range, once in a blue moon, if we're having a rough night, but other than that, no no I completely agree with you. I hate the screaming here(although it's gotten remarkably better). My ideal living situation would be no fighting, not even arguing in front of our kids, but we won't have our own place for a while.

[pek64]

Having a no yelling rule might work while they live with you, but may not turn into a lifelong habit.

I yell at my computer when it won't cooperate, or I lose something I just spent a half hour or more working on. Is it really the conputer's fault. Probably not. Probably I hit a combination of keys without meaning to that caused the problem. I yell to release frustration. In a perfect life, I would stay calm. I'm not perfect, however. I allow myself to vent, rather than give myself an ulcer holding in the frustration. Do I allow my son to do the same? You bet! I won't have rules for him that I don't have for myself. This was for everything. I took a lot of flack from relatives about it, but hung in there.


I applaud you for being an honest, caring and fair parent!!!!!

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by pek64 

Having a no yelling rule might work while they live with you, but may not turn into a lifelong habit.
 

but that's true about everything. Our kids all have free will and can make different choices when they grow up, just as I've made very different choices than my parents.

I doubt, though, that my children (who are now teens) will opt to spend much time around yellers and to yell much themselves because it just isn't what is normal to them. In the computer situation, they would both be comfortable asking another family member for help or walking away and talking a break to chill out before attempting to fix the problem. 

[EchoSoul]

Thanks, guys, for applauding me and such. Everyone else pretty much think I'm nuts. My mom says she agrees with me, though.