Do you celebrate your daughter's first menstruation? - Page 2

[lovemylab]

It probably depends on if your child goes to school or homeschooled but I remember in gym class we had learnt about periods and everything before I had my period, which was 12. My mom missed the boat on all those conversations.

Thinking about the ideal way to "celebrate", give me two advils and a pint of Ben and Jerry's ice cream with a romantic comedy! That sounds like a good day to me.

[CookiePie]

DD was 11.  She couldn't wait to get it, she was so excited.  I took her to the out for hot chocolate!  She loved it.  She is a much different kid than me, I didn't even tell my Mom!

[redheather]

I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating. For one thing you can never go back. But more than that it is a time of power and potential coming into a girl's body. Our daughters do need us to celebrate them, but of course in a way that honors them and is not all about us.

I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies. After all, this culture seeks to sanitize and erase all trace of menstruation, down to miniature insertable pads that can be discreetly flushed away (which are admittedly good for swimming). But periods are not just a time of suffering and inconvenience, they are the evidence of a woman's ability to create the human race. Wow. And yes, they get in the way too, but so do other bodily functions that we seem to take in stride. When they are a source of suffering, something needs attention: more Magnesium? Abdominal massage? Serious hormonal balancing? It doesn't have to be a time of hidden suffering.

My personal experience with menarche is when I got my period I was at school and it was just my secret for one day, and I felt as if I had truly stepped through a portal, a personal rite of passage. That feeling has been more important to me than anything that followed.

When I did tell my mother she said, "Your body is like mine. We both started at the same age." I loved that. It was a bond between us. Very simple, but important.

I agree that it is a very personal matter for each girl, but we need to keep checking in with our daughters. Ask them how we can support them. Something celebratory is totally appropriate, if we can balance it with the discretion our individual daughters need. A friend of mine's father brought home steaks that night. Her brothers never knew why, which is what she wanted, but she still felt seen and honored.

[philomom]

Our daughter was almost 11. She got her first period on spring vacation. We took her out for a big steak dinner and bought her a real piece of "red" jewelry to mark the occasion. She remembers this night fondly.


And no, I don't push the use of any particular product. I use cloth pads only at night, they feel like diapers to me during the day. We have a source for disposable organic cotton pads at our food co=op and those suit us just fine.

[KimPossible129]

My daughter just turned 13, and started menstruating 4 months ago.  She was well prepared, by mommy (who is a nurse).  I am surprised that it was as anti-climactic as it was. I was not even home, she was home with daddy, did what she had to do, and casually told me (when I got home) that she had something to show me.  After that, I believe I said (in a question-like manner) "congratulations?".  I did not shout it from the rooftops, or post it on facbook or anything absurd like that.  She did NOT want my husband to know, she said I could tell grandma (who probably cried) and of course she shared it with grandpa (who really did not want to know).

While I do believe it is a biological and emotional milestone, I didn't feel any need for celebration.  No dinner, no card, no present.  She didn't see it as a celebration-worthy event.  I followed her very matter-of-fact lead.  We already had supplies; I just made sure she had enough in her schoolbag now, and we discussed the important things (like hygiene related to it), underwear issues, pants, etc.  I reminded her that I am here for any questions (as she knows I always have been).  We are very close, so It's not as cold as some may seem. But when you have a medical background, it's easier to get right to the point, and what you are saying (about pregnancy, STDs, etc) is more objective and not as preachy. 

While she knew what it was, she really didn't know what it really was. I told her that it means physiologically (not emotionally or financially or in any other way) that your body is preparing for motherhood.  The thought of that actually made her cringe (she is into boys, but not nearly that much).  To validate that, 2 weeks later, we needed to go to the doctor for a respiratory illness, and they wanted a chest X-Ray, and they asked the big question (last menstrual period).  They explained (in a very age-appropriate way) why they need to do a urine sample. I elaborated, and her reply to me was "Mom, I can look you straight in the eye and tell you I am NOT pregnant". 

I did reply "welcome to womanhood." 

By the second month, she was tired of it.   I couldn't help but laugh.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by redheather 

I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating....

I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies.

  Since you didn't bother to quote anyone, I've no idea if you are referring to my posts or not.

I'm not speaking from "long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment" and my DDs have been raised in an extremely counter cultural way. Most of the teens discussed on this board were not raised in mainstream families.

The OPer asked what other mothering.com moms have done  and how that worked out, and we've talked about it.

I find your comment a bit like someone who has never cared for a baby 24/7 talking about how nighttime parenting *should* work out. You haven't BTDT, so the fact that you think my DDs other other young women should be all excited about their body's ability to get pregnant when they are 12 and they really just want to go swimming and not mess with a period is just.....

uninformed.

My DDs don't want to create the human race. They want to go to grad school. They want to build things, have published books, go to Comic-Con. They've got goals and dreams and making babies is so, so far away and neither of them see the point of having the ability to do that right now.  (One of my DDs also doesn't see the point of breasts.)  If they could have put off starting their periods for a decade or two, that would have been just fine with them.

This isn't analogous to other bodily functions because there isn't anything else our bodies do FOR YEARS that don't serve a purpose *for us.*  We have decades of periods when most of us end up wanting a couple of kids. Its really not an efficient system.

If you have younger children and want to come to this board to LEARN, awesome. Otherwise, please don't say that we -- who were tandem nursing when you were..... (what were you doing 15 years ago?) are ashamed of our bodies or have raised our daughters to be. It is very insulting.

  Until you explain to your DD how to use a tampon so that she can go to a swim meet or how to handle the possibility of her period starting while on a backpack trip with school, you are just talking about how *YOU* feel about menstruating, not about how to raise a strong, confident young woman. Part of the reason that periods are such a PITA for my DDs is because they choose to do such awesome things with their bodies. If they were just sitting around, wishing they could make babies, I'm sure they would have felt far more excited about it.

[Polliwog]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

  Since you didn't bother to quote anyone, I've no idea if you are referring to my posts or not.

I'm not speaking from "long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment" and my DDs have been raised in an extremely counter cultural way. Most of the teens discussed on this board were not raised in mainstream families.

The OPer asked what other mothering.com moms have done  and how that worked out, and we've talked about it.

I find your comment a bit like someone who has never cared for a baby 24/7 talking about how nighttime parenting *should* work out. You haven't BTDT, so the fact that you think my DDs other other young women should be all excited about their body's ability to get pregnant when they are 12 and they really just want to go swimming and not mess with a period is just.....

uninformed.

My DDs don't want to create the human race. They want to go to grad school. They want to build things, have published books, go to Comic-Con. They've got goals and dreams and making babies is so, so far away and neither of them see the point of having the ability to do that right now.  (One of my DDs also doesn't see the point of breasts.)  If they could have put off starting their periods for a decade or two, that would have been just fine with them.

This isn't analogous to other bodily functions because there isn't anything else our bodies do FOR YEARS that don't serve a purpose *for us.*  We have decades of periods when most of us end up wanting a couple of kids. Its really not an efficient system.

If you have younger children and want to come to this board to LEARN, awesome. Otherwise, please don't say that we -- who were tandem nursing when you were..... (what were you doing 15 years ago?) are ashamed of our bodies or have raised our daughters to be. It is very insulting.

  Until you explain to your DD how to use a tampon so that she can go to a swim meet or how to handle the possibility of her period starting while on a backpack trip with school, you are just talking about how *YOU* feel about menstruating, not about how to raise a strong, confident young woman. Part of the reason that periods are such a PITA for my DDs is because they choose to do such awesome things with their bodies. If they were just sitting around, wishing they could make babies, I'm sure they would have felt far more excited about it.

What a wonderful response, Linda.

[redheather]

Linda on the Move and Polliwog,

I did not quote anyone because I was not referring to any one poster in particular. I was responding to a feeling of my own that came after reading everything together.

Since you asked, 15 years ago I was doing the things it seems like you would want for your daughter. In my case I worked and paid my own way across Europe, India and Nepal, all while menstruating. I was young and terribly determined to do this all with cloth pads, and I did it. I rinsed pads out in huts and watched the moon to see what my cycles were doing. For me, and just me, this felt empowering. I was crystal clear that I did not want to reproduce the human race at that time.

Uninformed? I've been menstruating for 26 years, have discussed it with countless girlfriends and mothers, and have sat in moon lodges. I think am as "informed" as any others in this way. And I have a daughter. True, she is only 4 but I am already conscious of raising her to be a confident woman. It does not wait until she begins menstruating. She knows what "moon blood" is because we all share a bathroom. And yeah, she will probably want privacy around the issue and I will absolutely honor that. But being connected with her body and the rhythms of the Earth is what I'm talking about.

A sadness at this loss. Not a finger pointed.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by redheather 

I was doing the things it seems like you would want for your daughter.

Uninformed? I've been menstruating for 26 years, have discussed it with countless girlfriends and mothers, and have sat in moon lodges. I think am as "informed" as any others in this way. And I have a daughter. True, she is only 4 but I am already conscious of raising her to be a confident woman.

The things I listed were not I want for my daughters, but what they want for themselves. Really, really, really big difference.  Huge difference. That you don't get that there is a difference is part of why your posts annoy me.

None of this is about me. At our house, we are past the "what mommy wants for your life" stage. 

You've decided your truth and what you think your DD's truth *should* be. But that isn't how it works. Adolescents get to decide their own truth, and giving them space to do that is part of raising strong young women is about.

An attitude of "hey, I figured all this out before you your born and this is the deal" won't work when you have an actual teenager, not if you want to have any sort of decent relationship with her, and not if you want her to find her own strength.

An attitude of "none of this is a big deal because I used cloth while sleeping in huts" will not be helpful to your DD at that stage of her life when this is A VERY BIG DEAL. Its as absurd as a mother reassuring her child on the first day of kindergarten that its nothing to get worked up over since mom once went off to college. When our children are experiencing things for the first time, its a big deal for them. And it really is about them, not us and what we've done in our lives.

This is a huge transition, and you only know what it is like to be on the other side of that transition. The parenting side is about how to get our DDs through the transition as well as possible, which does not include preaching about how they *should* feel about the whole thing.

The "this is all so great because some day you can reproduce the world" will not get you very far with your DD when she is 12 if you have raised her to have sense of herself. Its a crap thing to tell a child who just wants to have their own life.

My DD knew what periods were when they were toddlers. They've known how babies are made since you were off backpacking. You really don't have a monopoly on having an open relationship with your DD. That really doesn't make this a breeze. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn't.

I suspect responding to you is a waste of my time since you believe you already know all the answers. I hope you do a better job listening to your daughter than you do to listening to more experienced moms.

Edited by Linda on the move - 3/9/13 at 8:42am

[whatsnextmom]

Originally Posted by redheather 

I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies. 

No. We came from a place of practicality. It's common in the early years to see your children as sort of "blank slates" that will respond to the world exactly how you teach them too. I'm here to tell you that they don't lol. They are born with their own personalities and tendencies. They change as they grow. They surprise you with choices and reactions you didn't expect. They can push you away and pull you close at the oddest times. You can do everything "right" and still get the "wrong" reaction from your child. It's our job to help them function and thrive in the world based on who they are... not who we are. 

[onlyzombiecat]

Originally Posted by Linda on the move 

The things I listed were not I want for my daughters, but what they want for themselves. Really, really, really big difference.  Huge difference. That you don't get that there is a difference is part of why your posts annoy me.

None of this is about me. At our house, we are past the "what mommy wants for your life" stage. 

You've decided your truth and what you think your DD's truth *should* be. But that isn't how it works. Adolescents get to decide their own truth, and giving them space to do that is part of raising strong young women is about.

An attitude of "hey, I figured all this out before you your born and this is the deal" won't work when you have an actual teenager, not if you want to have any sort of decent relationship with her, and not if you want her to find her own strength.

An attitude of "none of this is a big deal because I used cloth while sleeping in huts" will not be helpful to your DD at that stage of her life when this is A VERY BIG DEAL. Its as absurd as a mother reassuring her child on the first day of kindergarten that its nothing to get worked up over since mom once went off to college. When our children are experiencing things for the first time, its a big deal for them. And it really is about them, not us and what we've done in our lives.

This is a huge transition, and you only know what it is like to be on the other side of that transition. The parenting side is about how to get our DDs through the transition as well as possible, which does not include preaching about how they *should* feel about the whole thing.

The "this is all so great because some day you can reproduce the world" will not get you very far with your DD when she is 12 if you have raised her to have sense of herself. Its a crap thing to tell a child who just wants to have their own life.

My DD knew what periods were when they were toddlers. They've known how babies are made since you were off backpacking. You really don't have a monopoly on having an open relationship with your DD. That really doesn't make this a breeze. It would be nice if it did, but it doesn't.

I'm suspect responding to you is a waste of my time since you believe you already know all the answers. I hope you do a better job listening to your daughter than you do to listening to more experienced moms.

Great post!

As I posted in this thread before my dd did not react at all how I thought she would despite having an open and close relationship with no shame over periods and no mainstream upbringing.

I totally agree that from the parenting side you have to do what is right for your dd at the time and not what you think it should be or tell them how to feel about it.

My dd is not experiencing and responding to her period just like I did, so it doesn't matter that I have had a period for 26 years or how I feel about my period right now. She is her own person. If she comes to feel this body function is empowering for her that is nice, but if she views it as something that just happens then that is fine too. If she thinks it is annoying and hates it every month then that is her experience and I don't think I have a right to try to convince her that she is wrong to feel that way.

I think empowering our young women is respecting their experience is their own and allowing them to honestly feel how they feel.

[redheather]

Ok Ladies,

If you reread my original post there is not one "should" in there. I also begin the most controversial phrase with "I wonder if," not "this is how it is." Please, a little patience and diplomacy will go much further here. I feel like one or two points get extracted from context, while other points get ignored, and the former become tar-and-feathering moments.

As far as having a monopoly on an open relationship with our daughters, it sounds like the "experienced moms" are claiming this. Yet I think even a woman without any children of her own can still have amazing insights that are useful to us all.

Is it possible to challenge each other in a more discussion-oriented way? I feel like the mothering.community is a place to "come and have your ass handed to you." I wish it were a little gentler.

[One_Girl]

I too find it sad that so many people on this board don't celebrate such a big milestone and that there is such a big backlash against a poster who is trying to portray a positive image of menstruating to her child.  That is probably because I have a mother who portrayed menstruation as positive, despite it being an excruciating experience for her due to endometriosis and migraines, and who was able to balance passing on her values while also listening to mine and encouraging me to discover who I was.  There are many things I wish my mother had done differently but helping me embrace my body and my own belief system is something she excelled at because she didn't get mired down in dwelling on the bad side of bodies or the drawbacks of having a teenager discovering who they are by rejecting parental beliefs. 

If a celebration isn't what your child wants then of course you shouldn't do it, but many of the posts seem to be saying there is nothing to celebrate because periods suck and it seems that the girls in question aren't being asked what their viewpoint is.  How is this any worse than a new mom passing on her values to her child in the hopes that she will view menstruation and her body as a positive thing someday?  I doubt that she is naive enough to believe her child will blindly accept all her beliefs any more than those of you who teach your child about religion, organic living, or nonviolence are naive enough to believe your child will always embrace your beliefs.  She is simply providing another viewpoint.  I think her points are valid and obviously hit a nerve with many since there is such a strong backlash against them.

[AAK]

Planning on it. :-)  DD just turned 13 and AF hasn't come yet.  I started at 12.  DD's best friend started earlier this year.  We made her up a "red bag" and her friend really liked it.  DD was so excited about the idea and so I know that we will do something.  She started thinking of lots of ideas after creating the red bag for her friend.

Amy

[skreader]

Hi Redheather,

Menstruating for the first time was/is a big deal for you, but NOT for me, and not for my daughter.

I am not ashamed or disgusted by menstruation; I see it as a normal physiological process. In addition to menstruating, I also sweat, urinate, defecate and (in the past) lactated.  My eyes exude tears and and my ears, ear wax. I clear phlegm from from my throat and regularly blow snot from my nose. I am not ashamed of any of it (although in the interests of hygiene and privacy, I deal with most of those fluids and solids out of the public view) .

At times, I am awed by the miracle that all these things work and keep me healthy. When I first menstruated, I was interested and tested both the fluid and my own body's reaction to menstruation, but truly, I did not (and do not) feel it is a bigger deal for me than the fact that I pee regularly. That is my experience and my truth. Just as I respect that it IS a big deal to you, please respect my and my daughter's experience of thinking it is/was no big deal.

Originally Posted by redheather 

I must say I am saddened by an overall downer note in many of these posts. It IS a "big deal" to begin menstruating. For one thing you can never go back. But more than that it is a time of power and potential coming into a girl's body. Our daughters do need us to celebrate them, but of course in a way that honors them and is not all about us.

I wonder if girls, and their moms, are speaking from a place of long-standing cultural shame and embarrassment about women's bodies.

[weliveintheforest]

Originally Posted by redheather 

As far as having a monopoly on an open relationship with our daughters, it sounds like the "experienced moms" are claiming this. Yet I think even a woman without any children of her own can still have amazing insights that are useful to us all.

It's not that the experienced moms are the only ones who can claim connection to their daughter, but they've been through this particular issue and we haven't, so telling them their way of handing it is sad can come across as pretty disrespectful or dismissive (even after explaining it further.) I agree that any woman can have amazing insights, but I also hear where Linda and others are coming from. I'm a pretty earthy-birthy lady and my young kids already know about menstruation and normal birth... that doesn't mean they will feel the same way I do.  It took me years and lots of life experience to feel how I do about menstruation.  I was never ashamed but I was not happy about it either.  

[here we are]

I am interested in this conversation, as I imagine my child to be being born soon ,&ALL that is to come. I also have had a struggle with endometriosis, & tried very hard for so long to become pregnant, though it was glass shattering pain. It is so personal. I still have to wonder about my relationship with bleeding so much....anyway jot sure how much i have to share tonight. I am already worrying my daughter could have endo also, it makes me feel a little guilty, as I sometimes feel angry that I had to inherit it also...It influences my view on the subject so much.

[erigeron]

I wasn't nuts about the way my mom handled menarche or how she helped me choose/use menstrual products--she was so low-key as to basically not be involved at all. I didn't want a huge, big fuss, but I would have liked a little more acknowledgment than I got. My daughter is still a toddler, so I'm taking notes for the future here. I do want to follow her cues on the matter when she gets older. I really like the idea of a box of different products. I also think that the freedom to choose reusables or disposables shouldn't be taken lightly. I knew a mom who was homeschooling her 8 yo and she was adamant that the little girl would use a menstrual cup once she started her period. I mean, the homeschooling part does remove the "trying to change a menstrual cup in a high school bathroom" aspect, but seriously, the idea of strongly pushing/forcing that choice on her daughter is pretty disturbing to me. 

[mamazee]

I appreciate both sides of this conversation, including the input from moms whose kids are younger yet. We've all been through it on the other side, anyway.

I know I didn't want any acknowledgement at all, and would have rather just disappeared and had it all go away, but I know my daughter is very intersted in the changes she's going through and I think would like some kind of acknowledgement, though I'm sure nothing at all public - just something between us. I will make sure to continue reading her signals though as it gets closer.

Thanks, everyone!

[homzcool]

I relate to posts by red heather & one_girl.
My mom didn't talk to me about these things at all. I have five children of my own ranging in age from 26 to 7 years old. I grew up around women & girls who mostly whined & complained about their periods. No one in my environment voiced anything positive whatsoever about this feminine experience. I was excited to have my first period when I was twelve years old. I would have enjoyed celebrating with others in some way. I felt grateful that my body was doing what a healthy woman's body does. I felt a connection to other women, the rhythms of nature & the wonderful possibilities of motherhood in my future. I experienced the various discomforts & inconveniences associated with menstruation, but overall I felt happy to experience it, so I embraced it. I am grateful to have daughters to share it with. My oldest daughter introduced me to the menstral cup. We have laughed together about our cycles syncing up. My youngest daughter looks forward to having her first period & celebrating it in some way. I am 48 years old now, and realize that menopause is not far away. It will be a bittersweet change for me. For now I am happy to have a monthly reminder that I am fertile & a part of natures rhythms.