Hello ladies. Its been awhile since Ive been back here to mothering..and Ive missed the community and the support. Today Im here searching for a little advice from anyone that has it to give because this issue has me stumped.
I wont go into too much detail about DHs & my background. But what you should know is that I am 24 & he is 23. We are raising two children together, my 7 year old daughter from a previous marriage and our 4 year old son. DH and I have been together for over 5 years. We met in middle school and fell in love- really, fell in love.
DH is a wonderful husband and provider. Hes very funny, smart and not to mention very handsome and sexy! When our relationship first really started ( 5 years ago ) he was a person who was very open and excited about life and about us. He was romantic and wanted to go out and do things together and just have fun and be together. Now, I understand that relationships evolve and change as they grow. I can accept that, but I honestly feel that he is no longer the person I fell in love with.
He is very 'boring', which is not like the DH that I know. He never wants to go out ( or stay in for that matter) and have fun very much. When we talk about certin subjects, he just shuts down, and stairs at the floor- even when I express to him lovingly how that behaviour isnt helping us resolve issues or grown, and not to mention, it hurts my feelings. He never use to do this, he was also very open and we talked about everything. In all honesty, we are a great couple. We never fight or argue and we speak kindly to one another. But he just shuts down when a topic comes up that I want to discuss. I am a great listener and I listen to everything he wants to talk about, and he listens to me too. But when it comes to topics of importance, he just...zones out. When I tell him that hurts me, he just gets up and walks away and goes to bed or something. Like it doesnt bother him. The next day after one of these episodes, I will explain to him again why that bothered me, and he says ' Yeah I know, im sorry" or gets defensive. If he does apologize, its like hes just telling me what I want to hear because he will turn right around and do the same thing the very next day.
Ive never given him a reason to distrust me or shut down. Im not sure what to think of this. I feel like hes 'lost' apart of himself. He never does the things that he use to love doing ( writing, playing music, ect). And we never have sex anymore. Maybe once a month if im lucky. And really, that the only time he ever pays attention to me. I talk to him about all of this, but like I said before, it seems to go in one ear and out the other.
I understand that he is tired from work, simply from getting up early. Everything seems to make him tired. His job is actually very easy and requires little to no physical strain. Hes in excellent health and he HAS been to the doctor about depression, but didnt want to take medication. And honestly, I dont think hes depressed because whens hes around his friends & at work, hes happy, laughing, joking and being his old self- but when he comes home, all of that gets turned off. We make time to be alone. We get 2 weekend ( 2 whole days! ) out of the month, and some times more, KID FREE to just be together.
When he comes home from work, the kids are already in bed, the house is clean, I serve him dinner and even run his baths and give him back/feet rubs to help melt the day. We tell each other ' I LOVE YOU ' and when the times are good, theyre great, but Ive been dealing with this new, 'empty' aspect of him for so long that at times, I feel that Im falling out of love with him.
And yes, I have discussed all of this will him many times, but its like talking to a wall. He stares at the floor and if i prompt him to reply, he says " I dont know what to say..". It seems very much like it doesnt matter to him. Im not sure what to do or say anymore. For awhile, we would write together in seperate note books each night and then share what we would write. We would write about different things but mostly I would come up with questions about love, life and spirituality (deep, thought provoking questions) and then the next night he would attempt to come up with a few questions and we would answer them and share out answers. It was wonderful, It seemed to be the only way I could find that 'lost' aspect of himself that he never shows that it so important to both our happiness. He admitted that writting made him feel wonderful and he enjoyed it. I encouraged him to write a little each night, and he did for 2 nights and then stopped.
One night, while doing our 'writting exercises', our job was to write a poem to each other about love. I wrote a beautiful, heart warming poem about how much he means to me and he spent a long while writting one as well. Then when we exchanged poems, and I was excited to see what he had written..he had written a 2 page poem about how " He wants to fuck me"...And it was quite sad..that thats the only thing he can reach inside of himself and pull out for me.
Anyways, I believe that you all have the idea. If you have any thoughts on what I can do to help 'reawaken' him to himself and reawaken our love/romance, please let me know.
Sorry for this super long post, I had alot that I wanted to say. Thanks in advance for your replies.