My son was violated today by a person I allowed to care for him. She is an acquaintance I have know for a couple of years, she has done day care, is PTA involved, is studying nursing. I trusted her to supervise a play date, this was to be the kickoff of a babysitting exchange.
As I always do when someone may change my son's diaper I had the intact convo. He is a young 3 y.o. and still in diapers. I said, ''He is still intact - he has his foreskin - only wipe it like a finger" (as I demonstrated wiping a downward motion on my index finger.) "Do not pull anything back, do not retract." She said she never would; she know that from her nursing care.
When I picked him up she said when she changed a poopy diaper he screamed and cried as she wiped inside the slit of his penis. She thought it had fecal matter inside the slit and she was trying to get it out and then she said he was telling her it hurt so she put cream on it.
(now I'm kinda freaking out - but trying to be calm) I asked her if she pulled back the skin - she said no, she just wiped a little inside the slit. I confirmed he cried, and she asked if he was always like that for diaper changes.
Every penis is different; I think my son has a long foreskin and this kind of gives an appearance of a non-round opening. His opening does kind of look like a slit. However it still should NOT be wiped out. I was anxious to get home and examine.
I think the emotional damage is as bad as the physical. When we got in the van I asked him if ''Jenny" had hurt him and his eyes welled up with tears and he said yes. We have had an open dialog from the moment we got to the van thru this evening he has brought it up 2-3 times. I tell him it was wrong how she touched his penis and I'm sorry that happened. He says she hurt him 2 times, I think with the wiping and the cream. I don't know what she used for cream. I worry it was neosporin or something awful.
The tip was slightly swollen and inflamed. It was reddish purple. I gave him a bath when we got home. He is now very skittish about even letting me touch his penis. My heart is broken for him.
After I had bathed him, I called her. I thanked Jenny for telling me up front something had happened with the diaper change. I wanted to have an open honest convo with her. I told her I know it looks like he has a slit, but that is normal for him, just like all noses and ears are different so are penises. I told her wiping out the tip of his penis was like wiping the inside of a little girls vagina. I told her she had indeed hurt him, and could we talk some more about intact care. She described how she helps men in the nursing home; then I told her the difference is the skin is fused until puberty. She isn't retracting men in the nursing home, but when she wipes down and over the tip, there may be more elasticity there than there is in a small child. I don't believe she had bad intentions. I think she is just uninformed, and working in the allopathic industry she assumes she knows more than she really does. She is receptive to intact info. Would like your suggestions for links. Her son is Circ.
I'm angry at myself for - sometimes wanting a little break from my kiddos. I guess I need to wait till he is toilet savvy before leaving him in others care. (This brings another conflict up. My homeschooled 6yo son wanted kid interaction so we joined a daycare for the afterschool program. I work at the center, My younger son attends in the 3 yo room I was explicit about intact care and there hasnt been a problem but now, I hardly want to let them out of my sight .) I also think he will be much more leary of anyone in his diapers now.
Big knot in my stomach. When and how will the emotional harm of this heal? I am so proud of him for talking openly about this with us, I want to honor him when he says no - for example tonight I would have like to put some coconut oil on his penis but he told me no, he didn't want to be touched. I think he is going to be okay physically it is much less red and swollen, it seems close to normal. So skipping the c.oil will be fine i think. I failed him. He was hurt by someone today. That really hurts.