Hello Ladies. I have a dear friend who I have known literally since grade school. She is a wonderful person. Shes very creative, smart, beautiful, funny and very loving and giving. Her and I are alot alike and have very similar lives..except for a few things, that really worries me.
Her and I both have children close in age. I have 2 children: A 7 year old daughter and a 4 year old son. She has a 6 year old daughter and a 3 year old son. We are both artist and have very similar intrest and she means alot to me. I really havent 'hung out' with her very much since high school, but about 2 months ago her and I started an art project together and started spending alot more time together and I learnt some things about her that worries me. Pleas, give me some advice on what you think can be going on with her and what I should say/how I should confront her- or am I being overly dramatic?
* She sleeps ALL DAY : After she puts her daughter on the bus ( she is in kindergarten) she goes back to sleep and sleeps until 10:30-1:00pm while her son plays alone in his room until she wakes up. She told me that she doesnt always do this but she 'likes her sleep' and she says he plays fine in his room with his toys until she wakes up at whatever time.
* Shes very controlling/nagging: I understand not all parents parent the same way, and Im ok with that. But when ever im with her and her children, all she does is nag nag nag. She gives orders, do this or do that and tells them if they dont then she will spank them or take away toys ect. From what I have seen and how she speaks, she really loves her children. And in other areas shes a great mom. She reads to them every night, feeds them healthy meals, explains things to them beautifully/lovingly- but she just seems to nag SO MUCH. Her husband and my husband work at the same plant, on the same shift as well- so during the day she is alone with her children and her husband doesnt come home until 7:00 at night, which is when our children are normally in bed. She seems wound up very tight and its super hard for her to relax. She and I both have issues with anxiety, I am takingt medication, she chooses not to do so.
* She has told me before that she 'loves but doesnt like her children': Kids can be hard, and can make you damn near pull your hair out- I understand. And a part of me understands what she means. Both her children and my children are quite the hand full. Her daughter has issues with anger, and get into trouble with hitting/biting alot in school and he son simply doesnt listen. My daughter has AS and OCD and is very 'wired', talks constantly and is very bossy and speaks unkindly to her brother- but never hits. My son is alot like hers- he doesnt listen to anything and has issues with controlling his behaviour and hits/hurts animals and can be very disrespectful. He is ODD and is very much a handful, but he is also a loving sweet guy. My point is, my children are 3 times the handful that her children are, and I have never said anything like that before. Also, i would like to add that she says that she spanks when she 'needs too'- but I have never seen her do this so far, only threaten to.
* Both of her children, like my two, where unplanned- I like to think of mine as a suprise. Shes very fast to tell you that she never wanted children that she had other plans with her life and how much she missed out on. I can undestand fully and Ive tried to talk with her about this a few times, just to help her feel that she has suppot. We both got pregnant with our first child when we where in out teens and really 'no ready' for the responsiblity- but we steeped up to the plate. Its very depressing how she talks about this. I dont think that shes ever said anything like this infront of her children, but I cant know for sure. It seems that I have healed from my rather 'traumatic' teens/ motherhood, and she has not. She doesnt try to move on at all. Im not sure how to help her.
I do know that she went to a therapist all last year and she informed me that shes talked about all of this but I didnt help her. She was put on antidepression meds for awhile, but made her heart do 'funny' things and she discovered that she has some type of heat issue ( I cannot remember what she said ). So she doesnt take the meds anymore. It seems like she wants better and wants to change. She has stopped smoking, started doing yoga and eating a little healtier, but shes not seeing the results that she needs. I can see that she loves her kids very much. There is no shortage of hugs and I love you's- but I dont agree with her parenting choices.
What should I say to her to make her relise some of her choices are having negative effects on her childrens well being? Ive hinted at this a few times, but she just blows it off and says something like " Kids are tough, theyll grow up just fine".. Yes kids are tough, but I really disagree with alot of what is going on.
I have no idea what to say to her or how to help/support her. She means alot to me and she really is an amazing person and a wonderful friend. Any advice/ thoughts on her situation?