I am at a crossroad.
My DCs are 6 months and 2.5. Their father and I have been co-parenting for over a year now in that we've spent half the week at his house together and half the week at my house together, because we both want the both of us to be in the kids' lives as much as possible. We live in different cities, anywhere from a 20 minute to 1 hour drive apart from each other. This arrangement has been a huge sacrifice for me, but I felt it was the best decision I could make for the kids. And until about 4 months ago, I still had some hope, (still wanted), that we may be able to work on the relationship. I do not have this hope or want anymore.
This situation no longer works. Relations are increasingly hostile. There is a history of abuse. Ex has acknowledged his abusive nature, may suffer from depression, has seeked help at various points in our relationship, but pretty much says he hates me for wasting all of these years of his life and treats me poorly.
I no longer feel at ease when he is in my home. I am comfortable in his to a degree because I don't feel like he is in my space or able to go through my things.
He is not a bad father. DS loves him to pieces. He loves our DCs. When left alone with them, (less than an hour at any time), things are a little chaotic when I return, or the tvs on and DS is zoned out while ex holds DD on his lap waving a toy in front of her face and using his smartphone or his laptop. Times he had DS alone, he would frequently call his mother in and have her watch DS while he came and went running errands or things of that nature. When I'm around, (basically always), he makes a bigger effort, we go out to do things, tv is limited, we (I) engage the kids, play with them, etc.
So, the crossroad. I've had enough. I just want to file for sole custody and be done with him and carry on with my life. Not be surrounded by negativity, or be spoken to abusively, or be on alert at all times, or try to turn the other cheek and always be the calm, rational one, etc. I can't do it though. I am fairly certain I will be granted sole custody and though ex will fight me for it (and mentioned he'll lie, if necessary), he'll end up with every other weekend. My kids will not get to see him. He will not get to see the kids. This breaks my heart. They are everything to him. And DS loves his father dearly.
Have any of you been in this position? How did you make the decision to cut ties?
If I knew that 6 months down the road his anger would subside, and co-parenting would be easier and positive I could stick it out. If I knew that things would only get worse, or stay the same, I would just get it over with now and file because it's inevitable. I just can't do it though. I have the paperwork practically completed. I just feel so guilty.