Toxic MIL invited herself to my mom's babysitting time

[Katielady]

[deleted for privacy]

hey all, decided to delete the OP. thanks for your support.

Edited by Katielady - 3/12/13 at 4:39pm

[pek64]

Your mother in law sounds like mine. Arrange the playdate! Protect both your daughter and your mother from her toxic attempts to control. Tell your MIL, if you want, that you will come for a visit, without her son, just to teach her how to play. See what she says to that.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by pek64 

Your mother in law sounds like mine. Arrange the playdate! Protect both your daughter and your mother from her toxic attempts to control. Tell your MIL, if you want, that you will come for a visit, without her son, just to teach her how to play. See what she says to that.

Ha! I wonder what she would say.

I am on the verge of tears. I expect BS from my MIL but I feel really betrayed by my mom. She knows I don't like MIL. She knows I don't like how she interacts with the kids, either ignoring them or nagging at them or snapping at them about some normal kid behavior. She'd rather avoid the confrontation with MIL than stand up for me. It really sucks.

[pek64]

I agree that your mom's weakness stinks, but it doesn't seem malicious to me (you would know better, though). It seems like something you just have to deal with. I wish you luck!

[Katielady]

[deleted for privacy]

Edited by Katielady - 3/12/13 at 4:39pm

[Katielady]

p.s. pek64, thank you so much for your replies, by the way. This thing is making me feel CRAZY, and it really, really helps to know there's someone out there who doesn't just think I'm being a jerk to a grandma who wants to see her grandkid. thank you.
 

[erigeron]

Only you know your mom and whether she'd be able to absorb that information and respond the way that you want. If you think she really wants to understand where you are coming from, you could send it. If you don't think she'll "get it", I'd keep it short with something like "I am making different arrangements for DD this week and in future, because we've had some issues with her in the past, I don't want MIL to be around my kids without my advance knowledge and permission. I will be very upset if I find out this has happened behind my back". 

Toxic family members... gotta love 'em! 

[pek64]

Your welcome. And you're not alone, though we've never met.

Regarding the email, I don't think you should send it. You said, I believe, that your mother is terminally ill. Unless she's recovered and has a few years life expectancy left, what's the point of trying to change her. She's kind hearted, or weak spined, but if she really is dying, enjoy what you can of the time left. And she *did* tell you about the plan so you could do something. It seems to me she couldn't say "no", but knew you'd be upset, so she gave you the chance to handle it yourself. Maybe she secretly admires your strength. But she has her problems, and changing may not be in the cards, right now.

[Banana731]

I agree, make the play date, but maybe just verbally tell your mom it's because you don't want MIL around DD without you and ask her not to do it again. The letter was a nice thing for you to do for yourself, to vent, but will it actually make things better or worse for the relationship you have with your own mom? Don't let MIL poison that too.

[LLQ1011]

I just want you to know I feel your pain.
 

[k x s]

Is it possible to invite mother to babysit DD at your own house? That avoids MIL inviting herself over hopefully. That sounds like such a hard situation to be in. I feel for your mom though. It sounds like she is trying really hard. GL

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by k x s 

Is it possible to invite mother to babysit DD at your own house? That avoids MIL inviting herself over hopefully. That sounds like such a hard situation to be in. I feel for your mom though. It sounds like she is trying really hard. GL

One might think that would avoid MIL inviting herself over. She would have no qualms about doing so- in fact she'd be glad, because then she could "see the kids" with me there to do the actual work.

I ended up editing the letter a bit and printing it out as a doc rather than emailing it- less chance of it getting forwarded to the wrong person. I delivered it in person this morning and am waiting to hear back from my mom. I felt like I was going to vomit after I handed it off to her. I feel better now, though. I feel like I am standing up for myself and my family. My mom does have stage IV cancer, but her health is pretty good considering, and I think she's going to be around for many years. That's a lot of time in which she could be completely f'ing with my relationship with my MIL. I decided it was really important to me to at least try to make her understand why I don't want her having this bridge with MIL, and why it's vital that she check with me before making these kinds of plans. Hopefully she will take it to heart, and this whole thing won't backfire on me. We'll see.

[Katielady]

Originally Posted by LLQ1011 

I just want you to know I feel your pain.
 

Thank you.

[Katielady]

Mom will basically not talk with me about the letter. She says she wants to wait til Friday. She is so weird about confrontation. She meets with her counselor on Thursday (a wonderful free program in the area for people living with cancer) and this lady is really great, so maybe the counselor will help her frame out the issues. We'll see.