Neighbor with different parenting philosophies wanting to watch baby - what would you do? « Back to Group Discussions

[SaguaroMoon]

Hi all,

I love to get some feedback on this.

So, we have this really, really nice neighbor, D. K & I have been over to her apartment several times to hang out, we've talked about all kinds of stuff, she's shown me pictures of her grandkids & told me stories about them, given K stuff to play with, etc. She adores K, and he really likes her, too! I think she's great, as well. She has often offered to watch K, at her apartment or mine, so that I can get some time alone or so DH & I could have a night out. So far, we've declined, because the timing hasn't been right.

Today, she asked if she could take K out tomorrow morning in his running stroller. I said sure, but then she said, "And it's okay if he cries, we'll just work through it". I said that she could just call me if he cries, and I'd meet them wherever they are. She replied, "Oh, I'll definitely call you if he's really upset." I again asked her to call me if he cries at all, and she sort of vaguely agreed.

I can tell, from previous conversations, that she doesn't agree with AP. For example, when I mentioned K freaking out when I left him in our bedroom for a moment to go to the bathroom, she said, "Well, he just needs to learn to deal with that." She also expressed concern that I nursed him to sleep, and that we share a bed, because "he won't ever go to sleep by himself". I'm pretty sure, from other conversations, that she used CIO with her own kids.

I guess I'm just imagining a nightmare scenario where he's completely terrified and screaming for 45 minutes, and she's just going on with her walk, so that he can "learn to deal with it" or something. Am I just being a paranoid first time mom? Should I go with them? I don't want D to think I don't trust her, it's not that. I just don't want this to be a traumatic experience for K.

Any thoughts? Suggestions?

[forestmushroom]

hmm.... my initial thought is that it doesn't matter what her parenting philosophy is because she isn't parenting him, yk? She isn't going to undo your attachment because she watches him for 20 minutes... My MIL made different choices with her children then I would, but she is totally awesome and the best baby sitter ever. I completely trust her with my kids.

...but why is the neighbor taking him out in the stroller ? That would make me uncomfortable. If she were watching my child for the first time I would at least want to surrounds to be familiar to my little guy... Can she watch him in your house while you are there doing stuff? And then you can pop in and out?

My guy doesn't like the stroller... sometimes he freaks out when DH takes him to the store in the stroller... I couldn't imagine him being okay with our neighbor taking him... but that might just be my guy.

[SaguaroMoon]

Originally Posted by forestmushroom 

hmm.... my initial thought is that it doesn't matter what her parenting philosophy is because she isn't parenting him, yk? She isn't going to undo your attachment because she watches him for 20 minutes... My MIL made different choices with her children then I would, but she is totally awesome and the best baby sitter ever. I completely trust her with my kids.

...but why is the neighbor taking him out in the stroller ? That would make me uncomfortable. If she were watching my child for the first time I would at least want to surrounds to be familiar to my little guy... Can she watch him in your house while you are there doing stuff? And then you can pop in and out?

My guy doesn't like the stroller... sometimes he freaks out when DH takes him to the store in the stroller... I couldn't imagine him being okay with our neighbor taking him... but that might just be my guy.

Thanks for the perspective, Forest. I guess I know this short time won't traumatize him, I'm just being a bit paranoid.

There have already been a few times when we've been in this neighbor's apartment, and I've left him there to go take laundry out of the washer and put it in the dryer, things like that, and he's been fine with her during those times, so we've had some "test runs".

K LOVES his stroller. It was funny, because we tried him in one that my MIL borrowed at 4 months, and he totally freaked out. But then, when we got this one at 9 months, he just immediately loved it. So he might actually be more okay with her taking him in the stroller for 45 minutes or so than with her being at our house for that long without me there. And I think my neighbor wants to take him out so that I can have some alone time; she keep talking about how much she needed that as a new mom, and I think she feels good about the idea of giving another mom that (and her apartment, with all of its beautiful breakable things, isn't the best place to watch him now that he's crawling). And admittedly, as my DH is working crazy hours this week, some alone time at home would be great!

I guess my biggest fear is that he'll just be really scared that I'm not there (which would be my same concern if they were at home without me), and she'll think his crying is no big deal, because babies just cry. I think I've figured out what to tell her, though, to make sure she takes it seriously if he does. I'll just let her know that one of the main reasons he's been crying lately is because of teething pain (which is true), and if he starts crying, she should bring him home. I'll explain that I don't want him to associate her with pain.  I'm sure it would be fine either way, but that will ease my mind, because I know for sure she'll take that seriously.

[forestmushroom]

That sounds like a good plan if he does love his stroller (btw what kind is it? )

I think people can accept that babies do cry sometimes, and still do everything they can to not let them cry, if that makes sense? Especially if she is a grandma type, they usually love the babies too much to put them down, even if they are crying. That is how my MIL is, she doesn't mind the crying, but wouldn't put baby down if it made him cry, if that makes sense?  Sounds like a super nice neighbor!
 

[Astraia]

I realize this is pretty old- did this work out? I hope it went well!  I don't think I would be too worried about it- I would be cautious of someone taking my kiddos for a whole day, or who seem to have some notion that they need to "fix" the baby (teach them to sleep, etc) but I think your neighbour wants to help you and probably knows that bringing him home hysterical from screaming is a good way to make sure she never gets to snuggle him again.

 

[SaguaroMoon]

Hey ladies! Yeah, it worked out fine. K had a great time! He seemed thrilled to see me when they returned from their walk, but didn't seem unhappy to continue to be held by our neighbor while we chatted a bit. He's such a social little guy. They went for another walk last week, and had a great time again.

I'm just a nervous mommy, and probably had far more separation anxiety than he did!

FM - we have a Bob Ironman. DH's parents got it for us for Winter Solstice. We love it!