I really appreciate the tips, advice and concern from everyone, thank you.
I've been feeling better (somewhat). I think staying off of FB and not talking to anyone has helped. It took sometime detoxing from it but it has helped me. Not reading, seeing, or hearing what other moms are doing and spending that time focusing on my kids and I instead has made things better.
I like all the cleaning schedules. Being OCD and perfectionist, I do already have schedules. lol of course. I have lists and notes everywhere. I am very organized. Sometimes it helps, other times it leaves me feeling crappy because I never get all the things done. I wash laundry everyday a load or 2. I have to or I fall behind and it's overwhelming. Of course cooking and dishes get done everyday. I have sheet day and towel day they are different days so I'm doing 2 beds and not all 4. Laundry is a FULL TIME JOB! I've given up on putting it away. I imagine people call us the wrinkle family since all our clothes are always wrinkled out of laundry baskets. At least it's clean! I'm doing everything else on an as needed basis. I miss weekly deep cleaning from the ceiling fans down to the floor, but it will never happen with 3 kids. I think I may take a day and make it my cleaning day. Bust my butt vacuuming, scrubbing bathrooms, mopping, etc. I can't add any more chores in my daily activities. We are too busy with school, chores that we already do, errands, etc. There is not enough hours in a day but maybe I can make a day to clean?
I like living in FL but it has it's down falls. It's busy and crowded. Everywhere you go you sit in traffic. Our county is VERY poorly managed. So I go to the library in the next county over. We have to go to the main one because we need the bigger selection. I read all the books to my kids in the smaller library. Really. I do it for home school. I do it because if I'm not getting school work done (I never get as much school work done as I want) at least I'm reading to them. At least my 8 yo is reading. She devours books, about 15 chapter books in a 3-5 day period. I have to go because I feel it's important to their education. I try to also tie other errands in with the hike.
Our county has no sidewalks. Our little 3 block area is surrounded by main and busy roads. There are also inconsiderate poop heads that don't slow down at all when they drive past you. I guess they think driving past a mom with 3 kids at 50 mph on a narrow road is not an issue. Lastly I hate living in town. I grew up in the country. You couldn't see your neighbors house and maybe only 5 cars drove down your street all day. I hate walking looking at houses. At least when I drive to walk around the lake the kids are safe. They can ride off up ahead of me and I'm surrounded by green space. I can breath deep and look at the clouds and lake and not worry my kids are going to be hit by a car.
See I have good reasons for my madness.
My post is getting long but I've had a huge break through about something. I was exhausted the other day, up all night with a sick 3yo. I had SO much work that needed to be done! yet all I wanted to do was sit and watch TV. I didn't I mulled around doing a little here and a little there miserable hating all the housework and everything else I have to do daily. I told my DH this in an email. How I wanted a break so badly typing it made me cry, yet I won't take one and instead I don't really accomplish anything either because I am so over it, and that in turns makes me feel bad too. Double edge sword.
After I typed that and though about it...it finally occurred to me I don't ever relax out of guilt. And not only guilt as mental leverage and ingrained mental issues. When I became a SAHM was the first time in my life since I was 12 yo that I didn't work. I felt guilty my DH was working and I was home enjoying our baby. I adopted this mentality that if he was away working then I would be home working just as hard! I think the fact that society doesn't value SAHMs also played a big part in this for me. Also my ILs. My MIL saying to me "I worked so my husband didn't have to work his fingers to the bone!" really upset me. I was never valued in their eyes and they didn't agree with my choice to stay home. So I worked MORE and MORE to prove to everyone my value as a SAHM. Not just to everyone else myself included. I didn't agree with the moms who sit and watch TV all day or get babysitters and go out for a night on the town. It is my own personal belief that as a mother I should be giving my kids 100% everyday and they should be the main priority in my life. I was neglected by my mother and I strive to be everything she never was to me.
I find I use the fact I work so hard against my DH, self gratification? I get so angry that he doesn't help on his one day off and is playing with the kids. "I'm home with the kids 6 days a week and I don't get to sit down and play with them!" I say. I use it as leverage against him, the fact I work so hard! Lastly it is a mental issue passed down from my mother. She was always the victim (still is). Give, give, give, and cry to everyone "oh poor me I have nothing and do it all" She always took for herself and twisted everything so she could complain all the time. I don't EVER want to be like my mother!
So I really figured it out. If I want a break- TAKE IT! Don't take a little break, don't feel guilty, make the choice and do it. My DH is my cheerleader, which is funny because of all the guilt surrounding him. Do things that make me happy! Don't complain that I will never get a day to plant flowers out front with my kids. Stop crying about it and saying "everyone else has flowers, boohoo" Go buy the damn flowers and do it because I want to. It is a representation that our life is happy and not stuck in the constant -I'll never have the time poor me.
Sorry for the long post but I though I would share my turning point.