This is the first time I have posted on here...I usually just read and really love this forum. I am hoping to maybe get some insight and advice from all of you on here with an extremely difficult situation I have found myself in.
My husband and I have been together for 11 years, we met when my now 16 year old son was 5. My husband is the only father my son has known-his biological father has not been in his life since before my husband and I met. I also have an 11 year old daughter, who has the same biological father as my son. My husband and I met when I was pregnant with her, and he is also the only father she has ever known.
My son has ADD and has always been somewhat difficult-troubles with school, etc. Things have always went fairly well, however, and my husband has been patient with him and tried his best to help and support him. As my son became a teenager, things got much harder, as they often do. School became more difficult-missing assignments, failing tests, not participating in gym and other classes. My husband had become harder on him-he sometimes expects so much from him and is dissappointed when he doesn't meet these expectations. This has led to a lot of arguments and my son losing a lot of priviliges.
My husband and I waited a long time to finally have a child of our own, and I had a daughter last October. At the time I became pregnant, things seemed to be going ok in our family. Since right before her birth, things with my son kind of took a turn and it led to where we are today. We found out that my son had (at a friend's house) created an online profile on a dating site and met an 18 year old girl in Kentucky. Among other things, and to make a long story short-he invited her up to our house without asking until a couple days before, he has become much more disrespectful, he had a secret Facebook account we discovered where he had said some very rude and mean things about my husband, and me to a lesser extent, he has snuck 2 iPods into his possession from friends so he can text his girlfriend all the time, etc...so he has not been an angel by any means.
These issues have really worn on my husband and he has blown up a couple times with my son-yelling at him and getting really angry. He has never hurt him physically, but I am afraid it could go there. He feels my son is deceitful and disrespectful and basically wanted him out of our house. He feels he has done all he can. My son is now staying at a friend's house until we can figure things out-and he does not want to come home. He does not want to be around my husband because of the fighting and yelling-he feels he can't live up to his expectations and never will be able to.
My heart is completely broken, and I don't know what to do. I love them both and feel at this point like I am going to have to make a choice between my son and husband. I feel like my son is just doing some things that are "normal" teenager things-I don't like them by any stretch, but I don't think my son is "bad" or "beyond help" by any means. I know he can be a good kid-but I think he's losing direction and needs help and support. I know right now he is safe and doing ok-he is still attending school everyday and doing what he is supposed to do. But, he can't live there forever, and I feel like the situation is just in limbo right now. I miss him so much and feel like I am letting him down. We still talk, and he said he knows I love him and he just needs time away right now.
This situation is so hard because of the fact that my girls love and need their dad-and he is a wonderful father to both of them. It tears me up to think of breaking our family up and taking away the bond they have with their dad. He is also my best friend and we have always had a wonderful relationship-the issues with my son have really been our only problem.
I feel like I need to help my son and he needs to be with me, but then if I choose this, am I hurting my girls? This is the worst, most difficult situation I have ever been in in my life. I really feel like my son and husband will never be able to co-exist in the household, so I can only have one or the other there. I feel frustrated and angry that my husband can't just let things go and start over being a little more understanding and reasonable with my son-I am a lot more able to do this, but my husband thinks I am a push-over who doesn't do enough with discipline with my son. He feels my son manipulates me because he knows I will give in-maybe this is true, but it's hard for me to see it. I have suggested counseing for all of us, but my husband doesn't think my son will be very cooperative with it if they are both there-that he won't be honest and open. He is fine with my son and I going, but I think it would help for all of us to go-they need to repair their relationship, too.
I am sorry for going on for so long....I don't have many people in my life to talk to, so it feels better to get this off my chest...I am hurting terribly inside and just need someone to help me work this out...I was hoping maybe your words would help at least get me on a path instead of just sitting in limbo...
Thnak you for your time and help....