What is YOUR opinion?

[newmama8824]

Hello, I'm Samantha.

I'm not necessarily new to the community; I just haven't been on here in a long time.

Anyways, I have a question I need some advice on. I have been with the same guy since my son was 2 (he is now 5) and I really feel like I want to have another baby but I am uncertain. I am 24 and having had my son at a young age it seems like having a child is never a good idea. Also, my family would look down on the idea even though I am now 24.

Here's a little information about us: My fiance has a steady job and I graduate with my bachelor's degree next year. I do plan on going on to get a higher degree (masters then eventually my PhD). We don't own our home but plan to buy in the near future. We are both up and down about having a child. We are engaged but I do not know if we will ever get married just because of our views/beliefs.

I want to have a child for a few reasons, mainly because I want my son to have a sibling and I feel now is a good time because I still have a year left of school so I could take some time off, etc. I want to be able to devote as much time to my next child as I was able to devote to my first. Such as extended bf'ing, etc. I suppose because I had my son so young that planning to have a child seems crazy. Sometimes I just think I have baby fever and now that I am older all of my friends are having babies and it does make me miss it.

I just would like some kind and honest words of wisdom or opinions. That's all I'm looking for. Thank you.

[HappyHappyMommy]

Welcome back! I'm bumping up your post. Anyone have experiences or thoughts to share?
 

[Amy Lachney]

I would go for it if y'all are generally in decent shape financially, and the timing is right with your school. If you and your fiance are committed for life and just aren't signing on the dotted line for philosophical reasons, then I see no reason why you shouldn't go ahead and have another baby! I say go for it. My MIL had 3 children, one of whom passed away in a car accident at 12, and on this subject she told me once that her only regret in life is not having more kids! 

[newmama8824]

Thanks for the bump! I am still in need of advice on this one :)
 

[newmama8824]

Originally Posted by Amy Lachney 

I would go for it if y'all are generally in decent shape financially, and the timing is right with your school. If you and your fiance are committed for life and just aren't signing on the dotted line for philosophical reasons, then I see no reason why you shouldn't go ahead and have another baby! I say go for it. My MIL had 3 children, one of whom passed away in a car accident at 12, and on this subject she told me once that her only regret in life is not having more kids! 

Thank you for the input! We are def able to support a child financially but of course, I will be making more money after my education is complete! I just feel like waiting 8 years (for me to finish my PhD) to have a child just doesn't seem right either. Also, yes, we are committed completely even if we do not get married. :) thanks again!

[chiromama01]

My first thoughts are that, logistically, having kids AND getting through grad school would be super hard. I was married more than a few years before we had our first, mostly because grad school was so all consuming that we could not have handled kids then. Wether or not you and your dp sign on the dotted line doesn't seem (to me) to be nearly as daunting as the prospect of grad school and a new baby! You are young, IMO it would be better to finish school first

[LightForest]

Being pregnant and having a baby while going through grad school is no picnic, but there are certainly pros and cons to doing that versus waiting till you've completed a graduate degree and have begun a career. There was recently an interesting piece in the NY Times motherlode blog about this very topic. It was called "Pregnant without a Policy in Graduate School".

My husband and I had our first baby the summer before he started his final year of graduate school. He finished up, did a year long post-doc, and we've just had our second baby during his first year as a professor. He definitely had more flexibility as a student. Now that he's on the other side of his PhD his income is higher, but he has much less free time to spend with the family.

As a woman, your decision (about whether to have a baby just before or during grad school) is much more complex. Look into whether your department has a leave policy for students. Keep in mind that you may take longer than expected to complete your degree if you have a little one. Some schools limit the number of years you can take to complete a degree, or they require you to maintain your student status to keep your student health insurance, stipend, loan forbearance, etc.

I personally am SO GLAD that I finished my graduate degree and soldiered on through a number of years of professional life before quitting it all to be a SAHM. This was absolutely the right decision for me. I was able to focus completely on my studies, and then on my profession, and I gave my entire life to those pursuits for a number of years. I can't quite imagine that I would have gotten so much out of school or work or mothering if I had tried to do them all simultaneously. But this is just my experience/opinion. I think it's great that you're thinking in advance about this, because a baby WOULD seriously impact your graduate school experience! The good news is that you're young and it's totally an option for you to wait , if that's what you decide is best for you.

[mambera]

I think it really depends on what your schooling is like, and what you expect your professional life to be like afterwards.

In general schooling (esp undergrad, grad depending on the field) is much more flexible than work, and time off/taking longer to finish isn't as much of a red flag on a resume as is a gap in work experience. 

Some graduate fields are an exception to this (eg medical school, where the third year is really inflexible) but many undergraduate and PhD programs are highly flexible and can be worked around the needs of a young child. 

If you waited until after your PhD, what would you be doing?  If you are planning to go into academia, those would be postdoc or early faculty years for you.  That's a TERRIBLE time to have a baby - your productivity at that point is very likely going to make or break you as an academic.  So if you are thinking about academia I would definitely have the baby sooner rather than later.

But if you are planning to enter a business or industry job after you graduate and there is a reasonable chance of getting one that has the potential for flexible or part-time hours, or for a long maternity leave, it could be smarter to wait.

[LightForest]

This thread makes me think about how, when you really try to plan it all out and think it through thoroughly, there's NEVER a perfect time to have a baby. You could always wait for some day when you live in a more perfect home, have a higher income, have a stronger support network, have a more secure work situation, have a higher level of education, have better health care options, have the "perfect" age gap between siblings...

And after all of this planning, who knows how long it will take you to actually get pregnant? I know people who waited to start trying for a second child until they had what felt like the best age gap... Only to find that it took them much longer to get pregnant the second time around. I also know tons of people who started trying thinking that it would take them a number of months to get pregnant, only to get lucky right away.

I've given up on planning! We have a stable, healthy, and happy home base. Everything else will fall into place!