I am having a very hard time staying calm with my 28 month old, and lately I have been snapping at him and yelling uncontrollably.
For example, I just put him down for his nap a while ago. Our usual routine is to read a book, have kisses, then sit in the rocking chair and sing "rock a bye baby", then lay down together while I sing and cuddle with him. Lately, after we leave the rocking chair and lay down, he starts to whine. So then I end up sitting back in the rocking chair and singing some more to him. But lately even when I repeat this a few times, he still cries and whines when we lay down.
I feel so angry because, I feel that I've been so gentle and attentive to his nightime and sleep needs... and the part of me that gets triggered thinks "I do everything to help you sleep but it's not good enough". Then I feel resentful that he is demanding more of me, and I'm not getting a response that all the things I do for him matter.
So then I got so mad, I could not stop myself and I yelled at him "what do you want?" over and over again. I feel like no matter what I do I just can't please him. I got so mad and I told him that I was going to leave him to cry like other mothers do, and I walked out the room. Then he realy got upset and this sent me crashing back to earth and I picked him up and we sat in the rocking chair and sang and cuddled.
It scares me so much how out of control of my emotions I am, and I fear for his well being. Sometimes in these situations, I even feel like I want to hit him, and it scares me that he has a mother like this who cannot stay calm.
As some background, i grew up with parents who physically and emotionally abused me. I have always understood that this puts me at risk of continuing the cycle of abuse. I'm so scared of turning into my parents.
I feel so ashamed of my behaviour, and I'm too ashamed to speak to my husband.
I would truly like to change my behaviour and be able to navigate my emotions better. But I am so overwhelmed and don't know where to start.
On the one hand, please don't judge me, on the other hand, please don't rationalise my behaviour - I realise that the way I am treating my son is unacceptable and that if I don't do something to change myself, it will continue and get worse. I don't want my son to go through what I did. I want him to feel safe and happy with his mama.