Please help...I am regularly losing my cool with my 2 year old - Page 2

[Redmom]

Originally Posted by tptrakehners 

I have a friend with 4 kids and she was having the same problems, just loosing her cool and hating it. She has joined a group on FB called the Orange Rhino and it has been helping her a lot. Here is the website as well. http://theorangerhino.com/ Hope that helps :)

wow...thanks for the info about group/website...I love the ideas about alternatives to yelling.....thankyou so much......

Wow...posting this thread is a great reminder to me that, when I'm brave enough to be honest with myself and face my demons, it ALWAYS, ALWAYS leads me on a journey that results in solving the problem and teaches me a whole lot of new things I was never aware of.

[Maisigh]

You're so on the right track as you learn about your triggers. That's one of the most helpful things when dealing with anyone's behaviour. There can be any multitude of reasons, like for you, being worn out and tired and dealing with a cranky two year old or for him, maybe he's teething, getting sick or going through a developmental stage that he's having a hard time dealing with. Understanding WHY things happen is so important because then you can find a real solution, instead of something temporary or half way done. 

My dd is only 20 months, yet she is a real firecracker. I get much of what you're saying about the things that set you off. Personally, I give her the safest environment I can and then let her basically do what she wants. It helps me when she gets cranky or needy, because then I feel like I haven't had to always be patrolling and watching every single second. I don't push many things on her, and I don't make her do things she doesn't want to do. I guess in some ways I've got it pretty easy because she is a fun kid and pretty easy going. She seems to have a take it or leave it personality most of the time too, so we make a good pair. :) 

For toddlers (and adults) one of the absolute best ways to get what you want (or stop someone shrieking for whatever reason) is distraction. Redirecting attention somewhere else usually has a magical effect on toddlers. Also, I've learned how to not be affected by a persons emotions as much. It is definitely a skill that is hard to learn, but it can be done and it keeps me sane more days than not. 

I hope this was any kind of helpful. I'm not really sure where I was going with all that, but I did have a point. At the end of it all, you sound like a completely normal mommy who is just worn out, tired and at the end of her ropes. I guess you could worry about abuse, but you could also do what you're doing and learn from it and grow. You could be scared and hide away, but you didn't and that will make you stronger. You acknowledged your fears and shared them with the person who is your partner in all this. I think you made great choices and if you keep on growing and getting stronger, then your son has a magnificent mommy to look up to and learn from. Stand tall and be proud of yourself. 

I guess the only other thing I might suggest is thinking positive. Instead of thinking "I won't abuse my son", think "I will give my son a healthy, happy home". If you think about not abusing someone, you're still thinking of abuse. Focus on what you want, rather than what you don't want. 

[Redmom]

Originally Posted by Maisigh 

I guess the only other thing I might suggest is thinking positive. Instead of thinking "I won't abuse my son", think "I will give my son a healthy, happy home". If you think about not abusing someone, you're still thinking of abuse. Focus on what you want, rather than what you don't want. 

Thanks for your suggestions.  You are absolutely correct that focusing on what I want, rather than on what I don't want is the way to go.  This morning I said outloud to my son "Mama is giving E a safe and loving home"...over and over again.

Yesterday I became aware of another trigger, but I'm not really sure what to do with this awareness nor how to employ a practical solution. My son sometimes hits and kicks me.  He kicks me when I changed him or put him in his carseat - he gets excited and starts kicking his little legs.  I try to gently hold his legs down in this situation or not say anything that will get him excited all of a sudden.  He hits me, I think just because he realises he can, and when I tell him firmly "No hitting, Mama gets an ouchie" he just laughs....so I think he understands it's wrong, but he's testing out his powers.  A couple of times I have walked away.  I like to think that in time he will be able to control his impulses better.

I realise the reason the hitting and kicking really bothers me, is because I was hit by my own parents often.  And so there's this feeling that, I've been hit enough in my life and I don't want to be hit anyway.  And after being hit as a child by my parents, now my own son is hitting me.  I just don't want to be hit anymore by anyone.  Although I realise my son is not doing it to hurt me, it is something that really triggers a strong reaction in me.

[skycheattraffic]

About the hitting, what helped us is to phrase it positively. "no thank you. Gentle touches only" and I gently stroke her hand to show what gentle feels like. Sure, she still gets excited but giving her something to do instead of hitting really helped. I do the same thing when she grabs something at the store. Instead of saying no and taking it away (cue epic meltdown), I say "K, can you help mommy please and put the bunny back on the shelf?". I follow up with "thank you for such good listening". I apologize if this is all old hat to you but I thought it can't hurt to mention it. I am also starting to introduce the word accident for times when she doesn't mean to hurt but does or when I bump into her. For instance "uh oh that was an accident. Mommy is sorry she bumped into you but she didn't see you. Are you all right?"

[ESPMadre]

Redmom -  I love how you are finding creative ways that parent your child genlty, like getting him to come to you in the bedroom.  

Each child is unique and while there are some universal tools that can be learned tailoring to the child is a key one.  You are listening to your child not just in a how can I serve you way but in a how can I best parent you where you are way.

I had a similar negative history as a child and have had to learn new ways of parenting or risk relying on the ones that I grew up with that are not tolerable by me.  You are very corageous for posting so honestly on a tough subject.  Therapy, to work through that anger and be aware of what triggers it, has been a life-saver for me.  I started back to therapy when ESP was about 1 year old.  Where I was emotionally without kids was fine and I probably would not have gone back to therapy. After, ESP was born, I quickly realized I was still leaking toxicity from how I was raised and this was not something that was acceptable to dump on my child.  

I did start taking anti-depressants and some other drugs for the constant anxiety that I finally realized I was always under.  I was in a constant state of terror as a child and did not realize that I still react in the world as if still in that horror show.  I also found out that I have poor sleep efficacy (sleep study) that means that I don't stay in deep, restorative sleep long enough.  That is part of Post Truamatic Stress Disorder from a pervasive atmosphere of fear from childhood.  It made ESP not sleeping and keeping me up that much worse.  I did end up taking a prescription sleep aid as well.  Sometimes the damages of childhood do require medicine and talk therapy and that might be the case with you to.  There is no shame in taking care of yourself and your family in that way. 

My son is also a very poor sleeper.  He is now 6 and has special needs so is a lot like a 2 year old developmentally.  He wakes almost every night and while he sometimes just plays for hours at other times he is upset.  Either way, I can't sleep when he is up.  The transition to giving up naps or taking them, goes back and forth with kids.  Even at 6, many of ESP's typical peers still need the occasional re-balancing nap.    My own issues coupled with his, now that being pregnant I cannot take the medication that helped me sleep are a constant struggle.  But now I have built up the tools to help me deal.  

I can better separate what is an issue from my past from what is a currently happening issue.  I take the breaks I need to get my head in the present moment and be aware of what is really happening with me.   I am also working  on self-compassion and forgiving myself for all my baggage and what it does to my family, because I know I am truly doing the best I can to make myself a better parent and person.  

Keep posting, you are inspiring!

[Maisigh]

Originally Posted by skycheattraffic 

About the hitting, what helped us is to phrase it positively. "no thank you. Gentle touches only" and I gently stroke her hand to show what gentle feels like. Sure, she still gets excited but giving her something to do instead of hitting really helped. I do the same thing when she grabs something at the store. Instead of saying no and taking it away (cue epic meltdown), I say "K, can you help mommy please and put the bunny back on the shelf?". I follow up with "thank you for such good listening". I apologize if this is all old hat to you but I thought it can't hurt to mention it. I am also starting to introduce the word accident for times when she doesn't mean to hurt but does or when I bump into her. For instance "uh oh that was an accident. Mommy is sorry she bumped into you but she didn't see you. Are you all right?"

I do this too. If DD is getting rough because she's excited, then we tell her to be gentle or nice instead of focusing on the hit or rough touch. I'll often demonstrate a gentle touch right after with her so she understands more. I will always praise her for gentle touch, and she is slowly getting it. I always say thank you to her when she does something I like or want. Paying far more attention to the behaviour you want will get you more behaviour that you want. 

[RieMcGaha]

I'm an old mama -- all 12 of my kids are grown and I actually have adult grandchildren now, (I have 41 grandchildren ages 1-21), so I have a lot of experience with kids and tempers, theirs and mine.

Your child is 2 -- it's called the terrible twos for a reason. At this age, your baby is making a giant transition from baby to toddler. They are giving up their baby-ish ways, being potty trained, talking, becoming independent, have gone from the crib to the toddler bed... that's a lot going on for someone who has a very limited view of the world. For the past 18-24 months, the world has been mama and daddy, and maybe some older siblings, but now the baby is growing up and there is a lot going on in their bodies and their minds. They want to be independent of you, but not too independent, and mothers generally aren't ready for the baby to not be the baby they've had for the past two years.

Screaming and fit throwing is normal for your two year old. We dealt with it by telling the child it's okay to scream and yell but only in their room because no one else wants to hear it. When the screaming and fits began, we calmly led the child to their room, said, "When you can stop yelling, you can come out and join the family." Shut the door and left them to their fit. It doesn't take long before they are ready to come out. My children do this with their children too and it's worked very well.

The most difficult thing for a parent to do is be consistent with discipline. Once you begin putting your child in their room when they throw a fit, you must do it every single time no matter what. And that goes for any discipline for any child of any age. Consistency is the key.

Your 2-year-old is learning about the people and world around them and you are the one they learn from, so set the pattern and stick to it. And while your child is in their room throwing their fit, mommy can have a cup of tea, take a few deep breaths and calm down. The thing about childhood is they will grow out of it!

Another thing to consider is your age. If you are a mid-30's mom, remember that your estrogen levels are beginning to decrease, and this can also cause emotional distress. You might want to talk to your doctor and see if medication will help you. (Taking baby to Nana's house and hiding out with hubby for a whole night or weekend might be the ticket too!)