My birth story is posted in the birth story section. It wasn't really traumatic in itself. What was traumatic was that I was terrified of motherhood and depressed before I ever started giving birth. Once my daughter was born, I had no interest whatsoever in holding her or seeing her or anything. It seemed crazy that anyone would be excited, and all I wanted was for everyone (including the baby) to leave me alone from the second she was out.
What I eventually learned is that my lack of motherly feeling was connected in part to my own experiences as a baby/young child. Thankfully, something in me wanted to act like a mother should act, and my husband and doula modeled for me and instructed me on how to interact with my newborn. I'd also done a lot of reading beforehand and was determined to be an "attachment parent." I felt so guilty about my attitude and resentments, though. I really didn't understand beforehand how having not been an attached child could affect me in motherhood. Thanks to the help and strong skills of my husband, my daughter and I have a beautiful, attached relationship now.
Was just wondering if anyone else had this sort of experience. How has your experience changed you? I'm expecting my second and am excited to have a chance to have a newborn time that is at least a little positive and loving and not full of dark emotions and confusion. (Or, if those same things come up, to handle them on a different level, with more awareness and outside support if needed.) If you had more than one baby, did you experience rejecting the baby more than once?
Thanks for any feedback, and I hope if anyone else reading this is going through this now: know it is not a reflection of your goodness or worth as a person.