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When is the right time to TTC?

post #1 of 8
Thread Starter 

I am just wondering, in your opinion.

 

I have the overwhelming urge to have another child but I do not know if it is the right time. When is the right time? Is there ever a right time?

 

I already have a DS from when I was 18 and met my SO when my DS was 2 and he is now 5.

 

My expectations are that my SO and I will be together for life but it's just scary having seen so many failed relationships in my family. It makes me afraid to have another child in case we didn't work out or something which I do not see happening but I know it does happen sometimes. I guess since I was so young when I had DS I just get freaked out by the idea because everything was not "normal".


Edited by newmama8824 - 3/25/13 at 12:48pm
post #2 of 8

I don't believe there is a set of "rules" that says when it it right for everyone.

I think everyone needs to look at their individual life and go from there. Personally I wanted 4 babies that were back to back to back to back. 4 under 4 would have been perfect for me. But for various reasons, including learning about AP parenting and extended breastfeeding, that didn't work out. Instead our second arrived almost 3 years after her sister. 

And that spacing for *me* is perfect!!!!!! So perfect I was dead set on having 4 all three years apart. But then life happened, jobs and money and miscarriages and and and...

So now I have a 7 and 4 year old and by the time we are ready to add to our family there will be 5-6+ years between my current youngest and new youngest. And while I probably could have been ok with 3 kids if they had all come 3 years apart, now I'm definitely wanting a 4th that is about 3 years apart.

Anyways... in your circumstances then I'd look at what is bothering you... what if you now have two on your own (I think about this all the time. DH is in a line of work that can prove dangerous... and even though I'm 99% sure he'd never just leave well life happens...)

Think about what you want out of life and the future. For me two is probably perfect to stop at, but I know I would regret not having more. So this year we are focusing on some things that are easier for a young family of four to do and then we're going ahead with adding on. 

Think about what you guys need to feel comfortable? Is it more money or more time or more space or just being pregnant? I know I've said to my DH a few times that "planning" when to have a baby sucks. Sometimes I wish we'd just get pregnant and then we wouldn't have to *think* and plan and try and arbitrarily decide when the best time is...

 

So no, I don't think there's a one size fits all right time. I do think that if it's something you want, and will be happy with and will regret not doing and relatively can afford (because money isn't everything but you need a little of it ya know) then that just might be the right time!

 

Good Luck OP

post #3 of 8
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by delightedbutterfly View Post

I don't believe there is a set of "rules" that says when it it right for everyone.

I think everyone needs to look at their individual life and go from there. Personally I wanted 4 babies that were back to back to back to back. 4 under 4 would have been perfect for me. But for various reasons, including learning about AP parenting and extended breastfeeding, that didn't work out. Instead our second arrived almost 3 years after her sister. 

And that spacing for *me* is perfect!!!!!! So perfect I was dead set on having 4 all three years apart. But then life happened, jobs and money and miscarriages and and and...

So now I have a 7 and 4 year old and by the time we are ready to add to our family there will be 5-6+ years between my current youngest and new youngest. And while I probably could have been ok with 3 kids if they had all come 3 years apart, now I'm definitely wanting a 4th that is about 3 years apart.

Anyways... in your circumstances then I'd look at what is bothering you... what if you now have two on your own (I think about this all the time. DH is in a line of work that can prove dangerous... and even though I'm 99% sure he'd never just leave well life happens...)

Think about what you want out of life and the future. For me two is probably perfect to stop at, but I know I would regret not having more. So this year we are focusing on some things that are easier for a young family of four to do and then we're going ahead with adding on. 

Think about what you guys need to feel comfortable? Is it more money or more time or more space or just being pregnant? I know I've said to my DH a few times that "planning" when to have a baby sucks. Sometimes I wish we'd just get pregnant and then we wouldn't have to *think* and plan and try and arbitrarily decide when the best time is...

 

So no, I don't think there's a one size fits all right time. I do think that if it's something you want, and will be happy with and will regret not doing and relatively can afford (because money isn't everything but you need a little of it ya know) then that just might be the right time!

 

Good Luck OP

Thanks. That was extremely helpful. I am just seeking out different situations and opinions.

 

I feel like at this time, yeah, we are ready and we could handle it financially and my SO agrees. I just am afraid I guess that if I plan it it will be the *wrong* time verses it just happening and me having no control over it, KWIM?

 

I guess to some people they feel they must own a home, finished their education or be married and life just didn't work out the same for me.

 

I already have one DS who is 5, my education is going to take at least 5 more years and I do not know if my SO and I will ever get married due to personal beliefs. I just do not feel the marriage must be a prerequisite to having a child as we are already a committed couple, furthermore, I do not wish to wait five more years to have a child just so I can finish my PhD. My son will be ten by then and that is just too big of an age gap and I do not want that.

 

Now I'm just rambling. Thanks again for the response.  Very insightful.

post #4 of 8

I say whenever it's not the "wrong time" :)

 

I know what you mean about expecting the relationship to last but who ever knows? I personally figure if things did go south, it would be logistically easier to have 2 kids from the same dad than to be separating them all the time for visits... same with Christmas presents, things like that. I'd like both kids to be "equal". I know adults say they love everyone equally and extended families "treat them as their own" but I'm the product of a second marriage, my half brother was my dad's previous marriage. I know my brother resented me that I "had" both my parents, I always had that "survivor's guilt" kind of feeling that I could have done without. 

 

I've love to have another baby ASAP but if we didn't and I got into another relationship, I don't think I'd have another. 

 

I know I could take care of two on my own if things went bad, I get a lot of help from my parents and I wouldn't expect any child support or anything like that since I'm the one that wants kids, my husband just seems to be "complying' lol 

post #5 of 8

I'm in a completely different, but same situation. I've been with my SO for a little over a year, but we decided to get married in 2 months. I've been having baby fever like crazy lately and I just FEEL like it's the right time to introduce one more child into our family. My DS is going to be 4 in July. We are nowhere near "financially" ready, but we live a pretty modest lifestyle, don't have too many expenses, and are trying to grow the business that I started when my first DS was born. 

 

I was scared of having another baby for so long, because last time I was pregnant I got diagnosed with cancer, and it was just so scary. I was also in the middle of a terribly emotionally (and later physically) abusive relationship. After I had my 2nd surgery for cancer I started having chronic pain issues, and still do to this day, and I am pretty sure I have PTSD. I was on medication for so long (and am still on antidepressants. I am hardly taking my klonopin right now because we are trying to conceive and I know that is dangerous if I am pregnant.) But my body, mind, and heart is just telling me that right now is the right time for me (all of my doctors have a different opinion. I seriously just want to tell them to eff off sometimes.) I have detoxed my body of all pain meds and am dealing with the pain until I can see a maternal fetal medicine doctor.

 

Anyway, that was long winded. My current SO is wonderful with my DS, and I KNOW he wants to have a baby and a family with me. I like to try to live in the moment. This has been the best, most supportive relationship I have ever been in in my life, so I feel like we will be together forever. 

post #6 of 8
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Escaping View Post

I say whenever it's not the "wrong time" :)

 

I know what you mean about expecting the relationship to last but who ever knows? I personally figure if things did go south, it would be logistically easier to have 2 kids from the same dad than to be separating them all the time for visits... same with Christmas presents, things like that. I'd like both kids to be "equal". I know adults say they love everyone equally and extended families "treat them as their own" but I'm the product of a second marriage, my half brother was my dad's previous marriage. I know my brother resented me that I "had" both my parents, I always had that "survivor's guilt" kind of feeling that I could have done without. 

 

I've love to have another baby ASAP but if we didn't and I got into another relationship, I don't think I'd have another. 

 

I know I could take care of two on my own if things went bad, I get a lot of help from my parents and I wouldn't expect any child support or anything like that since I'm the one that wants kids, my husband just seems to be "complying' lol 


Yeah... My first DS was not with my current SO. He has just been the only father he has known since he was two. My DS doesn't see his father and my SO considers himself his Dad so it's kind of a different situation. I can see what you mean, though.

 

and I like that, whenever it's not the "wrong time". That's good... and it's def. not the wrong time right now love.gif

post #7 of 8
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by fawnanddoe View Post

I'm in a completely different, but same situation. I've been with my SO for a little over a year, but we decided to get married in 2 months. I've been having baby fever like crazy lately and I just FEEL like it's the right time to introduce one more child into our family. My DS is going to be 4 in July. We are nowhere near "financially" ready, but we live a pretty modest lifestyle, don't have too many expenses, and are trying to grow the business that I started when my first DS was born. 

 

I was scared of having another baby for so long, because last time I was pregnant I got diagnosed with cancer, and it was just so scary. I was also in the middle of a terribly emotionally (and later physically) abusive relationship. After I had my 2nd surgery for cancer I started having chronic pain issues, and still do to this day, and I am pretty sure I have PTSD. I was on medication for so long (and am still on antidepressants. I am hardly taking my klonopin right now because we are trying to conceive and I know that is dangerous if I am pregnant.) But my body, mind, and heart is just telling me that right now is the right time for me (all of my doctors have a different opinion. I seriously just want to tell them to eff off sometimes.) I have detoxed my body of all pain meds and am dealing with the pain until I can see a maternal fetal medicine doctor.

 

Anyway, that was long winded. My current SO is wonderful with my DS, and I KNOW he wants to have a baby and a family with me. I like to try to live in the moment. This has been the best, most supportive relationship I have ever been in in my life, so I feel like we will be together forever. 


Oh wow. You have def. been through some stuff!

 

But seriously, what is "financially ready"? I do not know, even after my PhD, if I will be financially ready. I am glad you are now in a supportive relationship and good luck on TTC. I take it that your first DS is not with your SO?

 

Our situations do seem very similar. I actually was diagnosed with PTSD & anxiety and my DS's biodad was actually physically and mentally abusive, he stole from me, etc. I was a stupid 18-year-old and I swear that contributes to my fear about having a baby now. Like, that having a baby is always that way. I was just very alone in parenting for a long time. Of course, I got away from him before my son was even born bc of how he was but I still think those traumatic experiences relay into my thoughts about having another baby.

 

I feel the same way though. It just feels right.

post #8 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by newmama8824 View Post


Oh wow. You have def. been through some stuff!

 

But seriously, what is "financially ready"? I do not know, even after my PhD, if I will be financially ready. I am glad you are now in a supportive relationship and good luck on TTC. I take it that your first DS is not with your SO?

 

Our situations do seem very similar. I actually was diagnosed with PTSD & anxiety and my DS's biodad was actually physically and mentally abusive, he stole from me, etc. I was a stupid 18-year-old and I swear that contributes to my fear about having a baby now. Like, that having a baby is always that way. I was just very alone in parenting for a long time. Of course, I got away from him before my son was even born bc of how he was but I still think those traumatic experiences relay into my thoughts about having another baby.

 

I feel the same way though. It just feels right.

 

Yeah, my first DS is not with my SO. I have primary custody but he still sees his dad. He's a good dad to him (I think) but still abusive to me when he can be through text/email. I just don't talk to him unless it has to do with Eli ha.

 

I can imagine those traumatic thoughts are still in the back of your head when you think about having another baby, especially if you have PTSD & anxiety. It can be SO hard sometimes! 

 

I really don't think there's such thing as financially ready. I hd someone tell me the other day that I shouldn't use natural family planning (on Facebook nonetheless, I haven't told people I'm TTC) because then I will have to think about "2 daycares, 2 colleges, 2 mouths to feed." Thanks for the advice, but moms are like super people, we will find a way regardless! Plus I feel like it will be SO much easier with a supportive partner! A bunch of my doctors keep trying to coerce me into birth control, I keep saying no, and they keep saying that now is not the best time to have a baby. Says who!? I get to make that decision, not you doctors! For the first time in years I actually feel like I can have a baby. DOn't get me wrong, I am scared too, but intuition means a lot to me. If my body is telling me it's time, I trust that it's time.

 

I hope you can find peace with whatever decision you do make. If you feel like you will be with SO forever, then I say go for it! It's such an amazing blessing of love between two people, and if you feel ready, then you can do it. If you ever want to talk about anything I'm all ears! Since we can relate to some of the same things!

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